STORIES

The Bluebelly Railway is a steam railway that run's from East Grumblestead to Edenbricks.

The trains that run on the Bluebelly Railway need 500 tons of horse manure to keep it going for four hours.

The horse manure is shovelled into the boiler by a stoker.

The railway passes through Parsnips Wood, one of the great beauty spots in Sussex where flowers with spikes sticking out of them abound.

The railway does run through the middle of a boarding school dormitory on the way, this mean's that boys have to be content with a train running right through their dormitory going right pass their beds. The train then leave's the dormitory and goes along the corridor, and when it does  people have to cling to the side of the walls, even hang onto the ceiling. This is nothing that the headmaster can deal with because the Bluebelly Railway isn't his business, it belong's to the Red Banana Steam Railway Company.

It is a real novelty going for a train ride that take's you right through the middle of a boarding school dormitory, where people who lookout of the windows can catch a glimpse of the boys changing into their pyjamas even pillow biting.

The train leave's the corridor by climbing out of one of the windows, taking the railway with it. The railway then climb's down a brick wall and through the courtyard.

At the far end of the courtyard the railway leaves the school grounds and crosses's farmland, treading all over the crops, even running right through pig farms.

Some of the carriages on trains that run on the Bluebelly Railway have no  floor, which mean's that passengers have to hang onto the ceiling, otherwise they could fall right down onto the line.

That link was copied directly from the homepage that I had open, so it can't be that their website is down (unless it's been ok when I've checked, but not when you have - seems unlikely). I'm not a technical whizz, but if you haven't already tried, common suggestions that I have read for people experiencing website problems include clearing cookies and to try using a different browser. The only other thing I can think of is to see if you can load the 'contact us' page and fill in the contact form aspievillage.uk/memberlist.php though I guess if you can't load the homepage then you may not get the contact form.

Sorry I can't help you any further with this. I hope you find a way round the problem.

I'm not familiar with Spectrumville.

I tried the link

http://www.aspievillage.uk/ , but all I got was the message:

"Hmm, we can't reach this page."

I tried and tried , but still find it impossible to reach Aspie Village.

A few years ago there was another Aspergers website called Spectrumville which has closed down. It was somewhat similiar to Aspie Village.

Hi Tismansion

The Aspie Village website was revamped a few months ago. The web address has changed. Try this link:

http://www.aspievillage.uk/

I have been looking for the Aspie Village website,  but it look's like it is no longer available.

I have lots of stories written on Aspie Village, one of the Asperger's forums, but the website is no longer available. when I try to reach it all I get is the message:

"Hmm, we can't reach this page."

Aspie Village, the Aspergers' website and forum seems to have gone out of existance.

Sheffield steel, but Emmanuel Kant. It's a moral choice.

• Bobby Beale once kicked over the Houses of Parliament, so hard that they fell into the River Thames. That even happened whilst the government were holding a debate. Luckily a fisherman happened to be at close hand and fished out the Houses of Parliament, but, one thing the politicians had to have the their bodies pumped out after water got inside their bodies when a mad Bobby Beale pushed the Houses of Parliament over into the River Thames. Hadn't the fisherman been present no one would have survived as the Houses of Parliament got filled up with water when Bobby Beale pushed them into the River Thames.
• Next, various members of government were holding a debate in deciding what to do with Bobby Beale. They knew that he killed Lucy and pushed his mother down the stairs, and even fired shots at the moon killing it instantly, labelling him ' Moon Killer '. Since then people have had to put up with the fact that the moon can't shine anymore because it no longer exists after Bobby Beale killed it when he used a machine gun to fire shots at it.
• Bobby Beale not only killed Lucy he even murdered the moon by firing shots at it with a machine gun.
  The actions of Bobby Beale have led to people calling for Approved Schools to be brought back. In this way Bobby Beale would get what for.

A man had ordered a three course meal, but had to carry the entire three course set on his head as no trays were available, but this could burn him, so to protect his head he to was given a tea towel by one of the staff which he would put on top of his head.

Because he had to carry his entire three course meal set on his head, soup, main course and afters there was the real danger that it could all fall off his head whilst making his way to the pay desk, so he had to hold them up with his hands and how hot it was.

After he had paid the man got one of the staff to carry the three course meal to the table, using a carrier dog -  a dog carrying a three course meal on it's back to the table.

There, in front of the man was a reserved table, reserved for members of Micky Den Day Centre.

As the man was about to tuck in to his grub something moved. It was the meat on his plate. It started to scream as the man was about cut it up with the knife. In fact, it was alive, and, to make matters worse, a piece of the meat jumped up to his face and bit him. He let out a yell, this frightened the dinner. The dinner tried to escape, but couldn't because it was dead.

Ann Ketchup, the woman  who was running the Micky Den group on the table had to summon one of the cooks about the meat that went mad and bit one of it's members.

Apparently the meat wasn't slaughtered properly in the a abattoir, but was safe to eat, the only trouble being that that the meat was disturbed by the man slicing it with a knife and it bit him.

The mad meat had to be incinerated so it shouldn't attack anyone else.

In compensation the man had his dinner changed.

The chef brought along to him another meal to make up for the mayhem that was caused by a rogue dinner.

The incident described above wasn't the only disaster for there was the case of the man - eating potatoes discovered on a plate as a day centre user was trying to eat his dinner.

What happened was that, as the user was trying to eat his meal the potatoes turned on him and devoured him. The man - eating potatoes then went on the rampage gobbling everyone up, staff included.

All hell broke loose as person after person was devoured by the carnivorous potatoes. The potatoes then burst into the manager's office, but as she tried to defend herself they turned on her and ate her.

Before long the centre was completely devoid of people.

The man - eating potatoes had devoured them all, the whole lot of them.

At 3pm it was time for the day centre users to go home. The driver had to ring the bell on the door, but got no answer, but, just as he was about to get out his mobile phone and make a call the man -  eating potatoes, burst though the window and started top chase him. Ina mad rush he got on the bus and  slammed the door as the potatoes were trying to barge their way in and drove off, with the potatoes following him. All of a sudden the mad potatoes smashed their way into the  bus through the window and devoured the driver. As a result the bus crashed. Luckily one of the police happened to be walking down the street. He got out his gun and tried to kill the man -  eating potatoes, but they went for him just the same and made a meal of him. Luckily the school kids happened to be coming out of school as it was home time for they witnessed the man - eating  potatoes  gobbling up the policeman and had to call the army on their mobiles, but, before they could do anything the potatoes started to chase them and ran like mad, but, unfortunately the man - eating potatoes pounced on one of  the kids and ate him.

In a mad rush the rest of them ran out into Woodford Avenue. Luckily the army was there. They got out their machine guns as the potatoes tried to eat the pupils and opened fire, but even the guns were no match for the army. The potatoes pounced them and in no time the entire army had been eaten. The school kids then ran like mad and got on the bus in a scramble to get away from the man - eating potatoes. The potatoes then went for someone else.

The bus driver had to drive as fast as possible in a desperate rush to get away from the man - eating potatoes.

The driver had to phone the army  and police and a curfew was applied where everyone had to remain indoors and not allowed out on the streets until the potatoes were caught and killed before they could eat anyone else.

Once indoors the street door had to be locked and furniture put against the door so that the  man  - eating potatoes couldn't burst into the house and gobble up the occupants.

The was one weapon  that could kill the man - eating potatoes - an barbaric acid bomb.

The acid bombs were dropped from police helicopters and in an instant killed the potatoes.

The reign of terror was over.

The mad scientist who was responsible for creating and  engineering the man  - eating potatoes got sent to prison for 50,000 years.

I once wrote some stories in the Aspergers forum Spectrumville.net. However that forum seem's to have ended. I have been looking for it only to find that it no longer exists.

When I try looking for Spectrumville.net all I get is a message saying:

"This page can't be found".

Winker Watnuts was a schoolboy who attended Greyflowers School, a boarding school in Essex. he had a pal called Tim Snout. Their teacher was Mr Sheep, known as Sheepy, and the headmaster was Billy Rathole. One day their school was invaded by a phantom burglar who struck in the middle of the night stealing mattresses from boys' beds. As a result they ended up sleeping on just a metal frame as a support, and how hard it was, in fact, so uncomfortable that they had to sleep on the floor.

Winker Watnuts tried to catch the phantom burglar but he vanished into thin air at the bottom of the dormitory, Form 3xx.

The phantom of Greyflowers school not only  stole from Winker Watnuts' dormitory, he did the same thing with every dormitory, even the whole school.

The theft of the mattresses was reported to the housemaster of Form 3xx, John Doughnuts. He said that he will have to report this to the headmaster Billy Rathole.

John Doughuts said:

'Did you see anyone and anything suspicious happening whilst you lot were asleep in your dormitories."

One boy, Winker Watnuts, did reply and said that he saw a shadowy figure of a thief making off with the mattresses.

"You're having me on said the Housemaster, because there's no phantom."

"Honest, said Winker Watnuts, there was, because I actually saw him last night."

"We'll have to investigate, for the sooner that burglar is caught the better."

This matter was reported to the headmaster, who then had to call an assembly in the entrance hall. He said:

"You all know that there has been a spate of burglaries where boys have had mattresses being ripped out from underneath them in their beds leaving them unprotected and lying on top of bed springs. After all who would want to sleep on top of a bed spring, it could cut into the boys bodies. Fortunately they have pyjamas on whilst sleeping which does provide some protection, but not all. I bet there's some phantom mattress stealer prowling around in this school, the sooner he's caught the better. It could be one of the boys."

However none of the boys claimed responsibility. Winker Watnuts told the head that he did see something suspicious in his dormitory in the form of a shadowy being making off with mattresses.

"Don't you lie my boy said the head"

But, honest, it's true, I did see it."

Tim Snout, Winker's pal said that he also saw the shadowy figure as well as a few other boys in the same dormitory.

The head did however had to send out a search party to catch the phantom of Greyflowers School, but couldn't find him, but later that night the headmaster was woken up by a loud noise. Immediately the door of his bedroom burst open and in walked a mysterious being. He tried to grab the mattress, but in doing so was beaten back by the phantom who then stole his mattress.

"Hey you come back here, "said the head as he gave chase when the shadowy figure made off with the stolen mattress. The head tried to catch him but he vanished into thin air. The headmaster then had to call the police. They came to the school, and with police dogs tried to catch the mysterious phantom burglar that was prowling around the school, but couldn't find any trace of him, and no wonder, the phantom had a secret hideout approached by  a panel in one of the walls which opened out into a network of secret passages.

The only people who knew about the existence of the secret passages were Winker Watnuts and his pal Tim Snout. They told the police and the two boys  directed them to a panel in the wall which when opened up showed a secret passage. The cops with their dogs then went along this passage and caught sight of a shadowy figure making his way down the passage. The sniffer dogs caught the mysterious burglar and to their surprise found out that it was a boy who had escaped from a borstal. They caught him and the reign of terror was over.

The burglar took a ghostly form to avoid being  caught and was returned to Friar Egg Borstal in the village of Great Pain, Kent.

One day I travelled by bus to Sinclair House for the  exercise group and other groups as was usual every Tuesday, but on the way a whacking great big hand came down from the sky, smashed open the window and tried to pull my head off, but instead I  was lifted out and whisked up into the sky by the big hand that seemed to be operating on it’s own.

The hand didn’t belong to anyone else, just itself.

I screamed and screamed, but no matter how much I screamed the hand just wouldn’t let go of me and all of a sudden picked up speed and took me up to Mars when I should have been at Sinclair house doing exercises.

I tried to jump off Mars, but just as I tried a giant Jellyman grabbed hold of me and in an instant I was eaten.

Meanwhile, back down on Earth at Sinclair House the member of staff from the Mitkadem said that Bernard Tisman (that' me ) hasn’t yet arrived, he should have been here by now, so a search party was sent out. 
They searched and searched but could find no trace of me.
In the end the whole world was searched but could not find me, so the answer was to send a space mission to other planets.

In the end Mars was chosen so men landed on Mars, but were surrounded by Giant Jellymen. 
  Fortunately the jellymen were transparent so whatever  they swallowed me I could be seen inside. 
In fact they found a skeleton in one and opened up the Jellyman once they had stunned it. They took out the skeleton, examined it and found out that it was me for I got devoured by the jellyman.

What the space crew didn’t realize, was that a big hand that had a life of it’s own had kidnapped me and whisked me up to Mars where I got  eaten by a giant jellyman.

The news of my death caused by a jellyman predator  who gobbled me up on Mars reached both the Mitkadem Day Centre and Sinclair House, and they were shocked. But as the staff at Mitkadem were talking the big hand that had grabbed me earlier on burst into the Mitkadem Centre and tried to snatch one of the staff, but was fought off with a broom. But, just when they had finished with the big hand it snatched two members of staff and whisked them up into the sky. 
  Fortunately there were police helicopters. They opened fire and the big hand let go of the two members of staff.
They fell down to Earth and returned to their jobs.

However the big hand still continued on it’s mad rampage despite being fired at and snatched loads of people off their feet and up to Mars where they got gobbled up by giant jellymen.

Fortunately the menacing big hand’s reign of terror came to an end when it fell into an acid bath, which instantly dissolved it.

Roland Milk was a schoolboy at Strange Hill School who was very much overweight.

On his first day Roland Milk kept on bunking off school and was found by Mr Box Ears whilst trying to head off home to see his mother during school hours when he should have been at school.

The P.E teacher Mr Box Ears brought Roly Milk back to school and handed him over to Miss Spoonful, the first form teacher. She tried to have a word about him bunking off school, but just as she tried to he scarpered off and locked himself in the toilet.

The teacher Miss Spoonful had to send for Mr Chopwood, one of the other teachers and the head teacher Mrs Biscuit. They all tried to coax Robert out of the toilet but failed to do so.

As a last resort the staff had to send for the caretaker, but he was against the idea of breaking the door down.

However, one of the boys who witnessed it all had a plan that might help to get the new boy out of the loo, and that plan was to chuck a stink bomb through the toilet window.                                                                                      

That worked but it did arf create a horrible smell, but that was the only way to get Roland Milk out of the toilet when all other methods had failed.

However, as one of the boys chucked a stink bomb through the toilet  window he was caught by the caretaker and sent to the head, who questioned him  and his mate about the stink bomb he let off in Miss Spoonful's class one hour before.

This wasn't the only thing that happened on that day for Strange Hill had a big bully called Gripper Cowdung who picked on Robert Milk because he was overweight and often trod on his cake when he caught him eating it.

Once upon a time a man went to toilet to relieve himself only to find that there was a hidden garden right at the back of the toilet. it was only revealed when some bricks fell out of the wall and a hole suddenly appeared.  He went through this hole and entered a secret garden behind the back of the  toilet.

On his journeys through this hidden garden he stumbled across a girl who was 12 foot tall and eight years old.  She had snakes as hair on her head and a mouth with blue teeth.

"Who are you, shouted Zucky, the 12 foot tall girl.

 "I'm Tom Dirtyface said the boy, and I came into this garden through a hole in the back of a toilet."

Zucky took the boy through the garden and came to a couple of trees who were drinking cups of tea.

All of a sudden the sun jumped down from the sky and tried to grab hold of the boy, but was fought off by Zucky, who then kicked it back up into the sky. But no sooner than it was back up in the sky the sun was again spewing out it's poison when it attacked the moon with a hammer, killing it instantly.

"The moon shouted:

"Help!

"The sun has killed me, will you please get me back to life screamed the murdered moon."

Zucky had to summon help in order to deal with the ferocius sun that had murdered the moon in cold blood with a giant 200 foot long hammer, so she brought her father, Ted Boghouse, along. He got hold of a broom with teeth and tossed it up into the air. The broom rammed itself into the sun and killed it but it came back to life again and went absolutely mad for it bit the sky.

The sky was so badly bitten that it died, plunging the world into darkness eventhough the sun was shining.

The universe wanted revenge so it sent the planet Mars to kill the sun. It did and the reign of terror was over.

The universe thanked the planet Mars for helping to get rid of the killer sun. Not only that it also thanked Tom Boghouse for trying to kill the mad sun, but despite all his efforts he failed to kill it properly and it came back to life.

The planet Earth needed a new sky  to replace the one that got bitten dead by a mad sun and also a new sun to replace the sun that got executed by the planet Mars for murdering the sky by biting it. The Universe set up a factory in Outer Space and manufactured a new sky. The sky was brought along to Earth and bolted in place, but had to be guarded by dragons in case some murderous star or sun attacked it.

Once the sky had been built the Universe manufactured a new sun, made from bird cheese.

Now it's back to The Secret Toilet Garden.

The secret garden at the back of a toilet stretched for 2,000 miles and had trees that grew people.

Zucky had a twin sister called Yalloolie who had 45 heads and six legs. She was 12 years old and two miles tall.

Yalloolie had an IQ of 2,000 and attended a grammar school on top of a tree.                                                   

She did well in maths, Dinglish, Spobariz and Homboutot and other languages.                                                                  

Her teacher's name was Brockopovatrompa.

Very shortly the boy went back into toilet and closed up the wall. Once done he went straight out into the garden and flew up a tree to rescue a cat with a dog's head that got stranded when a strong wind blew her up in the air and she got stuck up a tree, which was a sugar tree.

The cat came down and  started to chase a  banana. The banana got so frightened that it shinned up a tree and tried to hide but the cat flew up into the air and ate the screaming banana. Very shortly Tom Dirtyface went into his home, Busybody Manor and had tea with his carer, Zadida Brona. With the tea he had hairy biscuits and bread, plus cold dogs.

On night Tom  woke to find a grandfather clock jumping on top of him whilst he was in bed.
Tom let out a yell and this alerted the night maid. she came in and fought the grandfather clock off with a broom, but it hit back and tried to kick the maid,but was stopped by an apple that jumped out of the fruit bowl downstairs when it heard the maid's screams. It then flew up the stairs and gave the clock what for by bashing it in the chops until it saw stars.
 
The grandfather clock had escaped from a prison where it was being held for murder after it had chucked a tree at it's owner. The tree then pulled off the man's head and cooked it until it was as fresh as a cricket bat that did a pee.
This wasn't the only thing, for once the mad grandfather clock went berserk in the garden and kicked flowers until they bled.

Blood pouring out of flowers is no joke for the grandfather clock could have killed the flowers.

On one occasion the grandfather clock murdered a man as he tried to wind it as was usual every 24 hours. The clock then broke up the man and chucked all his organs all over the place, but, just as he did they came to life and attacked the grandfather clock.
The heart, lungs and kidney went mad and bit the grandfather clock all over, so much that blood poured out of the clock. This alerted the maid Marina Duckhead. She immediately phoned the police. The police came and arrested the grandfather clock that had escaped from a prison where it was being held for murder. The clock was then returned to prison and locked inside a cage so it shouldn't escape.

The broken up man was taken to hospital and put back together again with his body organs re - assembled until they were back inside his body. He was then brought back to life again after he had been murdered by a mad grandfather clock and dismembered.

The bleeding flowers in the garden at Busybody Manor got taken to hospital and had to have an operation after they had been attacked by a grandfather clock that went mad. But unfortunately the flowers died. This resulted in the grandfather clock being charged for murder - one murder on top of another - first, one of the men, second, the flowers.

Busybody Manor was an enormous mansion which had 3400 bedrooms and stretched for miles and miles.
The owner was a quadrillionaire, the richest man in the Universe. he even owned all the planets and a lot of moons, some of them made of cheese.
One moon, Boyay was the Earth's most distant cousin and one of the sons of our own moon where Apollo Toilet 111 made a special landing in 1969 with Neil Leggings and Buzz Off, two astronauts who were educated at Padlock University.

One day Simon Sandwich moved into a supported living home but couldn’t part with his old house so he decided that it was best for him to bring his old house with him and take it with him into his new flat. This way he would remain in his original home, but at the same time live in his new flat.

The man’s cousin got hold of the house and lifted it up into the removal van.
On arrival the new tenant was given his old house and packed it away inside his wardrobe. This meant, that at night he would take it out and sleep inside it.

He not only brought his old house with him, even the street where he used to live. However, this annoyed other householders who lived down the same street – the street where Simon used to live, for they found that their street had been stolen. This only came to light when one of the house owners stepped outside the street door and found that their street had gone, so they went to the police to say that one of their original neighbours had stolen their street when they moved house.
 
Eventually the police tracked down the place where the street had been moved to – the tenant’s new home. There, they searched the whole block until they found the flat where the stolen street was being stored.
 
The police broke down the door, opened the wardrobe  and found the missing street, together with the house which the man had taken with him to his new flat.
 
“I’m afraid we’re going to charge you with the theft of a street.
You left householders without a street. Not only that, you stole one of the houses.”
 
The manager was shocked when she found out that one of the new tenants of Quinton Lodge had had taken his old house with him when he moved in, which mean’s that he stole it from the street where he used to live, together with the street.
 
 
The burglary of a part of the town – the theft of a street, resulted in having to move the man to a care home where the staff would watch over him all the time to make sure that he didn’t steal other peoples’ bedrooms, let alone landmarks of any town.

Kevin Nobody was washing up one night when, “all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hand and landed, “Smack, Right on the floor shattering into many fragments. He managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to to his face causing him to sneeze, so hard that it caused a powerful tremor.
In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates ,cups and saucers flew into the dining room. Meanwhile, outside,  People walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate, went up to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man’s flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so powerful that Edna plate got thrown right across the room.
“You, you’ve gone too far this time. I know what I am going to do, I am going to call the police. I’m afraid I can’t take it anymore, with you sneezing like that, you blew me across the room. You’re just a dangerous person who should be locked away.”
The police came, bundled the sneezer into the a van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years. His crime: Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake. By the time the man was released from jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer Edna Plate had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

One Tuesday whilst we were doing exercise a man burst in and started kicking everybody.

One person who felt the full brunt of the kicker was me, for the man kicked me, so hard, that I went right through the ceiling and ended up in an upstairs room.
One of the people in that room  became so mad that he grabbed hold of me and flushed me down the toilet.
I ended up in the sewer and got covered in a load of muck. 
But how could I get back?

The answer:

Find the nearest manhole.

I did and I climbed out of it and out into the street, Badgers Lane.

Still covered in muck after falling into a sewer when a madman flushed me down the loo I made my way down Badgers Lane.
People walking past me found the smell coming from my mucky body so overpowering that they dropped like flies.

“Don’t he arf pong said one person, and another said to a few people:

“keep away from that man he stink’s of poo.” 

No one wanted to go near me because I stunk so much.
Luckily there was a river nearby, in which I could jump into and get the poo off my body after being chucked into a sewer when I got flushed down the toilet.

I cleaned myself up in the River Rodent and headed back to Sinclair House to carry on with my exercise.

The staff member in charge said,

“I’m sorry that this had to happen, but there was this unstable man who started kicking everybody including you and unfortunately you went right through the ceiling.”

I told the woman in charge, said the person in charge of the exercise group, that another member in this centre flushed you (Bernard Tisman) down the loo and that you ended up in the sewer.

“That man has been dealt with, it was Michael Weasel.
Another user saw him doing it and told one of the staff.

That man has now been banned from this centre.

On April 30th when it was my birthday it was decided that to mark the occasion it was decided that we should all go down to Dog Poo restaurant for a slap up meal to celebrate, but, first of all I had to go to Ilford to buy myself a new pair of feet as my feet were getting old and needed replacing, but, first of all I had to try on the feet. To do that I had to take off my old feet, but just as I did the feet walked away and disappeared into the distance.
I did of course try on a pair of brand new feet, but just before I could finalize the feet that ran away suddenly appeared and charged at the feet that I was trying on.
 
A fight broke out between the two pairs of feet.
 
The feet shouted:
 
"I'm the one who belongs to that man not you.
 
I, the owner's feet saw you, another pair of feet on my owner's legs."
 
Marks and Spencer is your home, not my owner's body shouted the furious feet."
 
I tried to try on the new pair of feet but the feet I have had since the day I was born wouldn't let me do it because the feet I was trying to buy didn't belong to my body, they were manufactured by using stem cells then shipped to Marks and Spencers, so I gave up and decided to buy a pair of shoes; but as I tried them on the shoes went mad and bit me.
My legs were so badly bitten that I had to take them off and chuck them in the leg bin at the end of the shop.
 
To enable me to walk I had borrow another man's legs. The man saw it all and thumped me because I stole his legs so I could use them to walk.
 
Fortunately the  legs I threw away because they got bitten by  mad pair of shoes jumped out of the leg bin and reconnected themselves to my body.
 
By now the legs were completely healed.
 
I had only came here to buy things as a birthday present and all this mayhem had to happen, so as  last resort I had to buy myself as a birthday present, complete with five heads and a tongue stretching all the way to the other end of the store.
The tongue was so long that I had to tuck it into my mouth, but in doing so it blocked up my airway. Luckily the tongue fell out onto the floor, but I grew a new tongue.
 
Now it was off to Cloughton for a big 20 course meal.
 
The real highlight was the song:
 
"Happy Birthday to your own body".
Then came the birthday pudding, but it had a bomb in it. This meant that I had to eat it as fast as possible  before the bomb could go off. Once done the pudding bomb was taken outside and defused by one of the restaurant's soldiers, Colonel Pork.
 
After the meal was over it was time to leave and had to go along the AAA34 road through Buckethurst Hill, down Underpants Avenue and along The Bog, a road lined with toilets, some with sections for men who have no heads and have to use guide cats to help them see.
And then we came to Epping forest Downs and drove up a tree until we reached a pub in the branches, The Kings Ears, to have beer made from frying oil.
 
Once we were refreshed we  then drove down the tree and made our way through High Bleach, a beauty spot where trees end up fighting each other.
 
In fact a couple of trees came up to us and tried to climb up onto our car, but we shooed  them off by chucking our heads at them.
Now we were about to head off home, by going down Woodford Mess Lane and passing Woodford Mess, a posh area where stallionaires live, horses that are rich enough to live in mansions.
 
A stallionaire mean's a very rich horse.
 
We then left Woodford Mess and  proceeded down Maybonk Road.
 
Before long I was home at last and had to open the door with my nose.