Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Aaron
Autism is extremely complex - it has a blanket name but it affects us in many varied ways..
I'm a mid 50s bloke - I suffer terribly from stress and anxiety combined with an utter compulsion to "Do the right thing" so that forces self-destructive behaviours.
Have you looked at any of your behaviours for a root-cause to anything? If you have other things going on in parallel, are you able to sort the wheat from the chaff?
Hi Plastic, Thanks for the reply. Sorting out the wheat from the chaff is what I aim to do. As a child at school at six I became top of the class then my writing became like a drunken snake. I became nearly bottom of the class in most subjects. Could not follow the teachers talk. Felt very inferior and subnormal. But at home I worked through a whole set of Enyclopedias start to finish, read Greek mythology and lots if other stuff. Was sent to Child Guidance where I had a melt down. As well at five my father was killed in a shooting accident in the army, I was badly burned at nine with months in hospital, in a road accident at eleven with months in hospital. As well constantly bullied at school. I thought my learning problems were all caused by this. But it was only later in life that I was observed and went for an assessment. Learning difficulties or disabilities run in the family as well there were other signs, not catch balls, walk up stairs, speech difficulties, myself and family. There is lots more.
As well as now understanding the difference between mental illness and Dyspraxia I can understand how the stress of living with say Dyspraxia and Autism or just one can be stressful enough to make one ill even without the traumatic accidents. I am sorry, there is lots more and complex and don’t want to bother anyone.
I know what it is like to want to do the right thing and have such a fear of not doing it because of a life of personality traits being seen as inferior. Again I am learning.
I was into encyclopedias when I was little - I watched the moon landings on tv so all the books of the time were full of technology features - probably why I became an engineer.
I had no idea I was so different from normal people until I was diagnosed in my 40s - and the differences are so obvious now - I'm very aspie - I don't really do emotions - I'm closer to an android,
I've had lots of injuries to growing up - knocked out half a dozen times in various accidents - who knows if they added to my problems. Nothing is measurable so I just have to work with the hand I'm dealt.
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.
Hi thanks for the reply. Bullying can have severe and long term effects on people. I know only too well. Yes I have looked at wheel diagrams of emotions and can’t relate to them.
Hi Aaron - life is life - you get to roll with it. When I said I don't do emotions, I mean I can only really identify 3 - happy, sad, angry - the rest is 'meh'. I've seen a wheel diagram with lots of emotions listed but I don't identify anything finer than happy, sad or angry - I'm not sure if it's because I spent a huge chunk of my life ignoring all the bullying etc. to power through so just ignored everything I was feeling until I can't identify anything now.
I find most 'big' music instantly reduces me to tears - Wagner, Strauss, Camille Saint Saens etc. Lots of my pop-music history triggers tears too.
I have no 'happy' music.
It's complicated, but my counsellor has suggested it's because I've spent my entire life as a slave to my own standards and compulsions. I've never been free of massive responsibilities so my brain can't cope.