Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I’m new here and thought I’d introduce myself:)
Im 34 (female) living in London. I’ve never been diagnosed but have been on the waiting list for 4years. Autism Society pre-assessment said I needed a full assessment but NHS has refused to pay so I’ve been waiting for community mental health team to support me.
I used to receive counselling for abuse and a lot of childhood trauma, but talking therapies have said that my issues are too complex and they can no longer support me. They referred me to another service that told me I should join an online forum as it’s very unlikely I’ll get support.
I’ve tried to seek long term support but to no avail. Sad thing is that a close friend of mine with similar issues committed suicide several years ago due to not receiving any support at all. I’m not suicidal but I do get extremely low a lot. When I get really low I call helplines- just wish I could have long term support... I’m not needy I promise!
I most definitely presented with all the signs of being autistic as a child, but it was never picked up by anyone. I’ve taught myself how to fit in and pick up social cues. I’m high functioning and an over achiever, with a great job and financial independence.... but still not happy.
More than anything I wish I had some friends who I can speak to about how I feel and what I’m going through. I’m lonely, confused and very scared of going outside. I work from home mainly and can easily spend several weeks in my room without going anywhere. I dont even use my living room- so it looks like a show-house lol
Lockdown has been great as I haven’t had to make excuses for not going out. I’ve had plenty of time to cook, clean and do 1000piece puzzles. I’m worried that when the world opens up again I’ll be left behind once more. I used to cry every weekend without fail. The thought of everyone outside living their best lives and me alone in my room really bothers me; but sometimes I just really can’t go outside. It’s too scary. I have sooo many associates but zero friends. The only time my phone rings is when it’s work related. Nobody calls me otherwise.
Sometimes I wonder if I actually exist. Is this real? Am I real? I pinch myself a lot (not self harm) to see if I’m sleeping or not.
anyways, it would be nice to meet some new people and share experiences.
Thanks
”Never settle for anything other than butterflies”
Hi.
Much of what you wrote about is familiar with me.
I loved the way you say taught yourself to pick social cues because I miss most of them completely and only realise they were there hours later.
At the moment I'm depressed, suicidal and crying about life in general. I can't see my life getting better.
I don't understand ...?
Butterflies said:”Never settle for anything other than butterflies”
Hiya,
The social cues thing has been a long journey! I’ve hurt many people along the way; I’ve tested out theories on those closest to me. For instance I used to be very mean to my cousin when we were 10yars old- I would skip through different emotions to test her reactions. I only realised as an adult that I’ve been teaching myself how to be “normal” from a very young age. I learned about sarcasm and now I seem to associate it with superior intelligence, so to be honest it’s not all amazing lol I feel falling in love with funny men who end up still being quite stupid haha
I used to self harm when I was a teen, I did everything I could to try and leave myself. I still get as low but have never self harmed since early 20’s. I promised myself I couldn’t go like that, especially after losing a few people to it. I’ve know at least 5 people who have committed suicide, one was very close to me. It’s changed everything because I hate that the world made her feel like that. I want to contribute to making it a happier place so I work my butt off and do over 80hours a week! (I’m a senior improvement specialist in health and social care- not a clinician but strategic manager dealing with funding and business)
I can’t afford to lose any more people, so please dont go- you’ve already said hello! I talk a lot- often too much, if talking works for you, I’m always here.
”Never settle for anything less than butterflies”
For me, butterflies represent growth and change- it’s also that feeling you get in your stomach when you’re excited about something. Never make long term decisions when you’re still in caterpillar mode (sad, low). Dont get used to feeling like a caterpillar, you are a butterfly and need to surround yourself around things that represent growth and change... why?
Because everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok... it’s NOT the end!