How do I get through to my partner?

I'm NT and my partner has Asperger's (self diagnosed but seeking formal).  We had split before he found out/had his light bulb moment has he calls it.  I was feeling confused, neglected when he was in a bad place which was all the time!  But he is the best partner I have ever had when he's in the good place.

He's had a terrible childhood, we believe his Dad had it too.  He stopped speaking to his dad years ago, became more isolated and has no friends.  Met me, we had a daughter who is now 2 & he already has a 15yr boy who also has Asperger's.  His son and him don't have the relationship he thinks or wants and I fear our daughter will feel how I do, she has already been scared when he had a meltdown and smashed up the clothes airer in front of her whilst I was in another room.  He scares me when it happens!

He isn't a bad man and I know every time I say anything he will interpret this as negative, despite reading books I don't know who to communicate with him in a way that he doesn't feel horrid or pained.  He tells me he doesn't want this relationship, we have again split up, but I still love him, I believe (maybe I am stupid) that if he gets help we can have a great relationship... but I know I cant' force him.

Should i literally just leave him to walk around ignoring me & our daughter, live separate lives until he can afford to move out?  He wants to stay here living bill free to save his money.. am I mad?

thank you in advance for any ideas/support

Emma