New to here

Hi, i am new to NAS.

We are aprents of part diagnosed 12yr old son(soon to be 13yrs old).

Our story goes;

My son started at his new secondry school Sept 2011, wow what shock to the system that was.

A full year of problems, naughtly behaviuors in the classroom, not listening to the teachers, grades falling. Constant negative report cards, parents evening"nice kid, shame about his behaviuor in the class, constant meetings to discuss his behaviour etc.

At the end of school year July 2012, we recieved his report and i cried when i read it and thought enough is enough.

I rang school and told his form teacher that i was very disappionted and this will need to change in the new term, i didn't feel school were doing everything they could to help him settle in school. Should this continue i will consider moving schools.

Within the first 3 wks of the new term, same old same old was happening again, this when we meet with school. it was suggested that my son was taken out of mainstream lessons and put in a respite class for 3months to assess what is going on for him.

From the respite class it became apparent that my son was still displaying the same behaviours. Thankfully one of the SEN teachers who knows her stuff in a short space of time she had raised her concerns with her senior.  School recommended my son should be assessed by school psychologist.  

A week ago we had a had a meeting with school &, psychologist. Her report and assessment of our son,is, he lacks social comunication skills(Aspergers). She recommended that if we required a formal daignosis then we need to go through our GP.

The information the psychologist gave has left us shell shocked to say the least.

Although i have heard of aspergers, i did not the full facts and i am sure i have much more to learn in this journey.

The fact that we as his parents didn't pick up on this, looking back now i can see alot of the signs.

What we have got to focus on understanding our son, socially he does struggle and is vunerable to peer pressure we have found out over the last 2 yrs. He is desparate for acceptance and friends who he thinks are cool, these have been very poorly judge friends on my sons part, on their part the easy prey(with talk of selling and using cannabis). 

 A few weeks ago he left us a note in the book he was susposed to writting down how is day had gone. The note said he was running away from home because his week had been that bad. We called the police, he didn't have a phone after dismantelling two of them. He doesn't have many friends, thankfully he gone to a friends house because it was to cold for him(he deosn't like being cold). 

Since the winter and dark nights he has not been going out alot, staying in more. Sitting in his room either playing on his game or playing with his longstanding friend Lego. 

He doesn't know how to tell you how his day as been, how he is feeling, takes comfort in his room, does not have many interest, spends alot of time in the bathroom/showering, at the moment if he goes out he only goes out for short time, very easily gets wound up by friends, he doesn,t understanding other peoples feelings, doesn,t under stand shouting when he, s done wrong, impatient not knowing how to wait his turn.

Does this make sense to alot of people on here?   

 What i hope to gain from this site, is advice and support to help us with our son and understand his worldFrown.  

     

  • Thanks Crystal12, Bannas and Easy,

    It great to speak in a forum where people understand, what i am not understanding(hope that makes sense)

    We have an appointment with our GP on Friday. We have already spoke to him several months ago, but because we at home were not seeing the behaviuor he was displaying at school, he advised us to go back to school for their input. Should they not be willing to have him assessed at school then come back to GP.

    What should i be asking school for now.

    After the meeting with SEN & psychologist at school, SEN said their is no available extra support fro him. They will look at at the start of lesson having a staff member sit with him to prepare for each lesson, they will have something called a social work book they will go through, to see if that helps.

    I do believe you have got to give things a chance, but i am not sure this will work.

    I asked for extra help on a perm basis, again funding is an issuse+he is not formally asssed and daignosesd.

    SEN said that when she does apply for funding for extra help, she will have to show what they have tried, because criteria is tough for funding.

    We are planning to meet again just before the of Feb term, no date is set yet.

    One thing worrying me is that at the moment i don't know what to ask or expect yet. The good thing about me is i won't give up(like a dog with a bone)so i will fight, just need to know what i should be asking for and the order of what comes first.

    I have started reading lots of stuff about aspergers, but ended up having to take a day off work because i had become overloaded with info and to be honest some of it scared me. It made me very emotional.  

       

  • Makes sense to me, you seem to be making progress and trying to understand him is the right attitude.

    I dont think changing schools is a good idea, I went to about 7 schools before I was 18 and it didnt help. Its natural for parents to think schools arent doing their best but its harder for autistic people to fit into a new school and make friends.

    Dont worry, when I was growing up I found my parents worrying and overreacting annoying and pointless, and so it was counterproductive. I expect he will turn out fine.

  • This makes so much sense to me as it sounds like my son. We got through so many mobiles that just got thrown in the heat of the moment - we did buy him a tough phone in the end which bounced a lot better that the others.

    Although we raised concerns earlier we got nowhere as we didn't know it was aspergers and it is quite hard to spot if you don' t knwo what it is. We just knew things weren't quite right. Our secondary school was very unhelpful and could only see a naughty child . their only response was exclusion after exclusion which just added to the stress levels and made things worse.

    We ended up moving him schools at the end of year 8. Sounds liek your school will be able to help him through this, but if you have had trouble with peers moving might actually help.

    I would strongly recommend going to your GP for formal diagnosis. We had to wait until things got really bad at 17 for that  - depression is quite a common way for autism/aspergers to be noticed. It sounds like your son might benefit from some help for that.

    Once you have a diagnosis , you can access a lot more help. We now have financial help to attend social activitiies and my son loves playing football with a special needs team. His PE teacher had always told him he was rubbish at football - self esteem was a big issue for him


    if you can get support in place while he is a child it will be easier for this to continue as an adult. We also have a support worker come once a fortnight to do activities with him - sometimes just hanging out like friend would  - the support worker is a young man in his early 20's. Sometimes they play tennis , sometime playstaion , sometime just kick a ball down the park. Sport really helps his mood.

    What we have found is planned activities where he can join in when he wants are much better for him than trying to make friendships work or relying on unreliable people. Does he do scouts or anything like that?

    Also we have managed to claim DLA which helps with my sons running costs - which are high. Now he is older it pays for him to run a car, whic gives him his own space to escape to when he is out.

    Does your son understand his diagnosis? For my son it answered so many questions, and the relief that he was not naughty after all.

    I got very sneaky in tryong to get my son to open up - he too was a closed book if you asked. I tried to take him out for short spells - trip to a cafe or out for a buger, and gave him the chance to chat. Also he wouldn't chat looking at me - eye contact is difficult , but he was more likelty to talk if we were doing something, or riding in the car.

    What it has taken us a long time to realise is anxiety is his major concern. he is on anti depressants which help that, but things are falling into place very nicely now we have the right support in place and the GP is nearly ready to start to wean him off. He's doing a levels at the moment and will do off to university in October - I have to say 4 years ago that seemed very unlikely.

     

    hang in there - a diagnosis is the key to things becoming easier and people understanding your sons issues rather than judging him.

     

     

     

  • hi - presume you have been in touch with the gp to get a diagnosis + then a statement of educational needs?  Sounds like his present school is letting him down badly + he's reacting accordingly.  As you say, he's got in with the wrong crowd (not his fault at all) + this is making things worse for him.  I think everyone on this site will recognise the points you make in your post, so you've come to the right place.  Have a look at the other posts + the info available on the home page, if you haven't already.  I really feel for you all - it is so difficult + with everything happening at once.  I'd let him take comfort - we all need that.  I'd also press for a quick diagnosis + statement.  I've read that lots of children with autism find secondary school difficult, esp if the school is not geared up for children with autism.  He needs to understand that at least some of these people aren't his friends.  Is he amenable to having that discussion?  Hopefully when the diagnosis + statement are completed he'll be in a better educational setting.  As parents you are spot on with doing all you can to understand autism + how it affects him as an individual so press ahead with that.