Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone! I'm new here. I'm a parent to an amazing 9 year old girl who is just beginning the long journey for an official diagnosis. She got referred to CAMHS (we are in Scotland if that makes any difference) a month a half ago and still haven't heard anything yet. The school and GP have both said she is definitely showing autistic traits. I was just hoping to get some advice on how to help her manage during the wait!
When she has a meltdown she tends to self harm (scratch, punch, bite, pull hair and headbutt things) or be violent towards me...only ever me. She's never been violent towards her dad..is there a reason for that? Or sometimes she just screams and throws herself down on the ground and will not move until its passed. I'm the one who is mainly here (I work part time, dad works full time) I've bought her some sensory things which seems to help a little. Like squashy light up ball things, some fidget toys and a slinky. They do help a fair amount but what I really struggle with is the days where she point blank refuses to go to school. I say I struggle because her dad works in the early hours so it's my job to get her to school in the morning.
She's a big girl and extremely strong and when she throws herself down on the ground, I cannot for the life of me get her back up until she calms down. This morning was one of those days where she didn't want to go and I (embarrassingly) ended up calling in to work (crying) saying I wouldn't be in because she was refusing to go to school (so now obviously worried about my job!)
Its breaking my heart seeing her like this and sometimes not knowing what to do, I genuinely just feel like an absolute failure as a mum at times if I'm honest. So if anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it! Sorry if this doesn't make sense..I'm just wanting to help her the best I can.
Hello welcome to the family hope you had and your daughter get the help you need.
thanks
Hi there your post sounds like something i would have written 18 months ago. The morning battles to get my daughter to school were horrendous. And like you the morning was all me as the hubby had already left to go to work. I missed work many days and like you i was embarrassed to say why, especially since I worked at my daughters school. In school she was a model pupil so they wouldn’t believe me when i told them what we were dealing with at home. Daily meltdowns that usually turn violent towards me. Her mental health plummeted and she withdrew into herself as we kept ‘forcing’ her to school until i refused to do it anymore. She’d tried running out of school across a road so i had to restrain her then she laid in reception sobbing and begging me not to make her go. I vowed I wouldn’t force her again. This wasn’t just a school thing, we had this every time we tried to leave the house! We ended up removing all demands from her and over time she has started to come back to us and cope much better. We still have issues daily with many things but we seem to have found things that work. Removal of demands being the main one
I wish i had the answer to help you but unfortunately we are the point of withdrawing her from school. Ive given up my job to support her from home. We have just completed assessments for ASD and ADHD but i also feel a PDA profile needs investigating as she is incredibly demand avoidant. Unfortunately my local authority do not recognise PDA though. That being said i have found that using PDA strategies has helped overcome a lot of the issues we were having. By giving her more control and placing less demands on her has helped massively. School is one i am yet to crack though. She was supposed to start secondary school at the beginning of sept, in fact she did start. Managed a couple of days then nope! I feel there are too many unpredictable things in a day at school leaving her incredibly anxious, terrified in fact to even set foot in the door.
Even if we don’t get a diagnosis i will continue with the strategies we use because regardless of a diagnosis they help our daughter to function and be happy. Most of the time. No day is ever predictable after all. I also follow Kristy forbes blog and find her really insightful. Her posts give me a different perspective which has helped me understand what my daughter needs.
also, the reason she is violent to you and no one else is because she feels safe. She feels safe enough with you to be who she needs to be in that moment. She knows you wont judge her or punish her and that you will always help her. I know its tough but remember behaviour is communication. I find in our situation that if i view her behaviour as a meltdown or panic attack rather than her being naughty as i used to then it helps me to stay calm and help her through it.
I know I didn’t give much but i hope there is something useful in here. Even if its just understanding.
Wishing you well x
hi
Can you ring the NAS helpline for parents there may be a network/help in your area that you are unaware off. There is a Parent to Parent support section please give it a go
https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support
That sounds so hard for you, as well as her. I don't know what I put my parents through but I think it was a much lighter version than what you're experiencing. I've two friends with autistic kids and both seem to have struggled with very similar issues, one much much worse still even. But both children have come out the other side, though it's taken 3-4 years. Some seems to be growing up, and other things is improved environment as the parents have kearnt the triggers, etc.
In trying to understand my own childhood I found the books The reason I Jump, All Cats have Aspergers, and I side Autism Looking Out all helpful. I'm reading the Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome right now which has some tips though it's really dry. Communication Issues on Autosm and Asperger Syndrome was good too, though the first few chapters were terrible.