In my late forties I started wondering why with one friend who I was totally at ease with I could behave so odd. After several false starts I read an asperger book that I related to, then a second. After a few months of bewilderment I did the AQ test and instead of being on the quirky side of normal I came out close to average. It felt like I'd been skating obliviously and suddenly I'd fallen through the ice. I told my sister and after an awkward silence she revealed that I'd been diagnosed at 3 with autism. That was Sept 2020.
It makes so much sense. At many levels I'm superfunctioning, but on the inside I've kinda always been bewlidered, push to keep going, and although I have dozens of friends feel quite profoundly lonely. Connecting or attaching has been almost impossible for me. Reading seems I'm fairly textbook for a neurotypical passing, high functioning autistic person. Being on an alien planet totally sums me up.
I'm gay, and totally don't fit into the gay scene, as it seems many autistic men don't. I also really struggle to read flirting signals. I miss them, I miss moves, so although I fall for guys I rarely get it together with anyone. I have had two good relationships and once I'm in I seem to function well.
I'm at the beginning of my journey (Sept 2020) of making sense of this, and remaking sense of my past 50 years. I'm struggling to find good books for men written by autistic writers rather than clinicians. Aspergirls is the only adult book I've found helpful, then All Cats have Aspergers and Inside Aspergers Looking Out.
