Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
And apologies in advance for the long post.
A bit of background, I am 36 and have always been a little quirky. I have also suffered a lot with various mental health problems and breakdowns since I was a kid and have a long list of diagnosis.
A year ago I started working for an Autistic charity and although it had been suggested I could be autistic when I was hospitalised once I had never given it much thought.When doing our training I realised I had so many traits. I have to eat the same food everyday for breakfast otherwise I stress all day. I can't just like something, I get obsessed, I am very hypersensitive to cold, either cold food such as ice or cold weather. As a kid I was a bit of a musical prodigy til I had my first breakdown at 16. Which is when my first diagnosis of bipolar came. Looking back I think what actually happened is I kind of had this realisation that I was extremely different to most people and I didn't know how to just fit in. I was bullied a lot in school. I had no idea about fitting in or why people cared and after my breakdown and dropping out of college, I started paying attention to what people seemed to like in others and copying. I think this is called masking.
I even went so far as covering myself in tattoos to try seem cool but actually it was mostly about covering up self harm scars. I started self harming when i was 10 because the world just really stressed me out.
Anyway, I have an anxiety therapist at the moment and she suggested we do a test together and we did and the results were quite high, and in her words, much higher than she expected.Then she asked me what I want to do with this and I don't actually know?
I am really paranoid about going to my GP and seeking a diagnosis because I'm always paranoid they think im attention seeking so I just don't go unless I really have to. I have some physical stuff, Im in the process of being tested for epilepsy and I have a lot of gut problems. But on the other hand I am really worried that the benefits I have been receiving for the past 10 years will end soon and I think it's much easier to get social care support with an autism diagnosis than simply a mental health diagnosis. And I would love to work more if I could, but I currently work 2 days a week and any more than that and I know i just couldn't cope. When im tired I just end up not being able to tolerate anything and I usually end up in another meltdown and getting hospitalised. Anyway, not sure what i'm looking for...any advice or something?
TIA
Sometimes, writing things down helps just to start with. You don't need to know what you're looking for and maybe you'll have a question you really want to ask later.For now, can I ask which musical instrument (s) you played? Is that something you enjoy?