Published on 12, July, 2020
Dear Read.
Timing is everything in my life and I see myself as the white rabbit perpetually looking at his pocket watch and running off. Then burnout!
I am in my early thirties, married, training for a career change and moving to a new area. All these are stressful enough in an NT life but in my case, I feel as though I have to play catch up with what I haven't learned in my early life. This is exhausting.
I want to prove I can perform out there. To be an adult. In truth, I've fallen off the bike many times without learning how or why driving my depression and anger. I have to rely on my wife and others to do those "adult" duties for me. There are many times I find this demeaning as I feel the responsibility, patience and trust is being taken away from me. As if I'm a child all over again.
All these feelings I understand come from my anxiety and fear that everyone doesn't have the time or patience to come down to my level. As the world is steaming ahead, while I'm left behind. I feel quite bitter writing this now as I feel this is an injustice to me from the world I'm living in. Yet the popular and private consensus seems to be "Stop playing as the victim. Get rid of the victim mentality and see it as a superpower."
I ask "How? What is my superpower? Are my expectations in the world too high? Is my cynicism unjustified? Am I a villain?"
Oh wow! I've read so many blogs and articles on ASD recently since being told ' I really think your on the spectrum but do you need that bit of paper to validate this'. The 'am I a villain or am I evil?' Questions are apparently common within the ASD community sadly. Usually we're over thinkers. I have no answers as I feel the same but wanted to wish you well
Hey :)
From what you're saying, it sounds like not only do you think that others see you as "less" in some way, but that you see yourself as "less" than others. You're working, you've got a family, you're moving house - these are all very adult things! I know it can be frustrating - you see others doing "adult" things but struggle to do them yourself. But know that everyone, autistic or not, have things they struggle with, and that asking others for help is not a weakness but a strength. Sure, we'd love to be able to everything ourselves, but letting others help us when we need it shows that we can trust others too, and in turn we help them when they need it as well.
You can work as hard as you like, but one must also accept that we can only do as much as we're able. Sometimes, that isn't enough for some people, but we are doing as much as we can and know that we've done all we can. Part of being responsible is also accepting your limits or weaknesses, and therefore asking someone else to help in those areas is in fact the responsible, collaborative way to do things!
I agree that not everyone has the time or patience to wait for us, but that is a part of life. It's those who are more understanding and patient who will wait for you, acknowledging that some people find some things harder to do. And perhaps you need to be more understanding and patient for yourself as well. Accept that some things will take longer, and that stressing or worrying over it won't make you go faster or help in any way. Acceptance is so important for autism, so I'd suggest spending some time in doing so - you'll feel much better in doing sox
Much love <3