Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone!
I've joined today because I want to understand and support my daughter and her boyfriend.
My daughter is training to be a doctor and works in a nightclub at weekends. She met a young man (22) and last month they got a flat together.
He is absolutely lovely. He is polite, kind, a good conversationalist, kind to animals. So I was shocked to learn yesterday that he is on the spectrum.He receives PIP to support his daily living.
I wouldn't have thought it in a thousand years!
The only things that indicate any unusual behaviours (certainly not social or communication) are that he he dislikes most foods and is reluctant to try anything else - even pizza. He also seems to tolerate pain as he will not take any kind of medication including headache tablets. 'I've never taken drugs' he said to me. I thought he meant cocaine!
Surely if he is received benefits (and he does work full time) there are other issues? My daughter says she doesn't understand autism and I have done some 'training days' as I am a teacher - but I don't know how I can support them or what I should expect/do.
Feel completely lost and out of my depth here. Just looking for some advice or just to talk really.
Japen said:He is absolutely lovely. He is polite, kind, a good conversationalist, kind to animals. So I was shocked to learn yesterday that he is on the spectrum
Sorry if I'm reading this wrong but what you've said here kind of implies that you think that someone on the spectrum couldn't be lovely, polite and kind or a good conversationalist. Is that what you mean?
Sort of. I understood it that autism meant that social skills such as conversation didn't come easy to those on the spectrum, and often they come across as rude because of the lack of conventional social skills. The couple of children I taught at school never spoke.
Japen said:I understood it that autism meant that social skills such as conversation didn't come easy to those on the spectrum
It perfectly possible that they don't come easily to him. All that you can see of him is his behaviours as he shows them on the outside, and when we've grown up our whole life with autism, we can become very good at hiding just how hard we're working beneath the surface to present ourselves as (we believe) other people think appropriate. So although what you see looks the same as "typical" behaviour, he's probably achieving it in a very different way than you do (the old adage of the graceful swan paddling furiously away beneath the water is very appropriate). Some of us are able to use these compensating strategies better than others, of course, depending exactly how our personal form of autism affects us - it's generally much more difficult for autistic people who have learning or language disabilities, for example.
The reason that he may still need some support is because masking our autism in that way can be extremely mentally demanding. However intelligent we may appear on the surface, there can still be surprisingly common, everyday things that we find difficult, especially when the "brain drain" of being around other people wears us down from time to time. Reading the intelligent, witty replies here, you might find it hard to imagine how many of us might struggle with things like going shopping or making sure that we eat enough, but it's not unusual for our "intelligence" to be a bit paradoxical like that.
From what you've said so far, you sound like a very tolerant and open-minded person - and those are by far the most important qualities that you'll need to get along well. The only other thing I'd suggest is to make him aware that if he has any specific problems (for example, extra sensitive senses, like with his eating) that it's OK for him to be open about them, and he'll teach all you need to know as you go along (and you can always pop back here if not!)
Thank you for your kind and useful comments.