Daughter's boyfriend told me he was on the spectrum

Thank you for your kind and useful comments.

Japen said:

I understood it that autism meant that social skills such as conversation didn't come easy to those on the spectrum

It perfectly possible that they don't come easily to him. All that you can see of him is his behaviours as he shows them on the outside, and when we've grown up our whole life with autism, we can become very good at hiding just how hard we're working beneath the surface to present ourselves as (we believe) other people think appropriate. So although what you see looks the same as "typical" behaviour, he's probably achieving it in a very different way than you do (the old adage of the graceful swan paddling furiously away beneath the water is very appropriate). Some of us are able to use these compensating strategies better than others, of course, depending exactly how our personal form of autism affects us - it's generally much more difficult for autistic people who have learning or language disabilities, for example.

The reason that he may still need some support is because masking our autism in that way can be extremely mentally demanding. However intelligent we may appear on the surface, there can still be surprisingly common, everyday things that we find difficult, especially when the "brain drain" of being around other people wears us down from time to time. Reading the intelligent, witty replies here, you might find it hard to imagine how many of us might struggle with things like going shopping or making sure that we eat enough, but it's not unusual for our "intelligence" to be a bit paradoxical like that.

From what you've said so far, you sound like a very tolerant and open-minded person - and those are by far the most important qualities that you'll need to get along well. The only other thing I'd suggest is to make him aware that if he has any specific problems (for example, extra sensitive senses, like with his eating) that it's OK for him to be open about them, and he'll teach all you need to know as you go along (and you can always pop back here if not!)

Wow - these are brilliant! I have a better grasp now, thank you so much.

Thank you xx

Indeed, we vary very much indeed. He could probably pass for NT in a workplace.

You're welcome. There's a couple of good articles here that might help:

https://theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

and

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I'm not going to be offended by anyone here :) I appreciate anyone taking the time to comment because I really know nothing so I'm learning from scratch. Thanks for your reply.

Ah :-) I understand now. Thanks so much for clarifying and not reacting badly to my question (which I was quite anxious about asking tbh but felt that I had to).

That's the thing about the spectrum - it's a spectrum :-).

If you hang around here, you'll learn an awful lot about it.

One thing that some (most?) of us have is called black and white thinking - in my case it has helped me in my career as I can analyse anything logical with the precision of a scalpel, but also - as I think just happened - take things literally. If you want to understand why I interpreted your meaning the way I did, imagine saying "He's lovely, a great conversationalist, so imagine my surprise to find out that he's gay (or black, or white, or Christian or ... or ...)"

Sort of. I understood it that autism meant that social skills such as conversation didn't come easy to those on the spectrum, and often they come across as rude because of the lack of conventional social skills. The couple of children I taught at school never spoke.

Thank you, very helpful. I have no idea really about autism except what we have been told on induction days. I have noticed how open he is, things he's told me and my daughter about stuff people don't normally share. I, too, find it refreshing.

Japen said:

He is absolutely lovely. He is polite, kind, a good conversationalist, kind to animals. So I was shocked to learn yesterday that he is on the spectrum

Sorry if I'm reading this wrong but what you've said here kind of implies that you think that someone on the spectrum couldn't be lovely, polite and kind or a good conversationalist. Is that what you mean?

We aren't different to anyone else. As humans, we all have different likes and dislikes and our own quirks. It's just unfortunate that human nature means society likes to single out minorities and promote us as lessers e.g black history, religious wars etc. 

In regards to your potential SIL, the main difference you've seen already is his need for honesty e.g telling you about PIP, when really its none of your business and most NT wouldn't have shared this. My MIL finds my honesty refreshing as she normally hangs around with NTs who have been socially programmed to hold things back and behave in a certain way. She likes the fact she can trust what I have to say and she finally has the opportunity to say exactly what she thinks, as I'll value this rather than being offended.

I sought a diagnosis not because I have 'unusual behaviours' but because of how general society reacts to my neurotype, especially by trying to label as me unusual when I'm just being me (it's hurtful). For example, my lack of willingness to engage in small talk has often made me a social outcast as a teacher as my colleagues dodn't have the ability to think I might have been reacting in that way due to having a different neurotype, instead they perceived me as rude and uninterested, when often all I want is to fit in.

It comes across as though your original view of autism was very old fashioned but its great to see you being so open. It sounds like you're going to learn a lot from your potential SIL and as your a teacher I'm excited about your potential to make a small change in the education system with your new-found knowledge.

Thanks for your reply, which is very useful.

What I meant by 'unusual behaviours' is that I cannot see what makes him different to anyone else, so why does he have the diagnosis. I like your comment about perceived disability being socially constructed. I get that. 

Thank you also for the explanation about PIP. This clarifies some things.

He really is lovely and adores my daughter, and she him, and it looks like he will be my son-in-law one day. I just want the best for them both.

Anyway, thanks again.

Japen said:

The only things that indicate any unusual behaviours (certainly not social or communication) are that he he dislikes most foods and is reluctant to try anything else - even pizza

Why do you think autistic people must behave in an unusual way? 

I work as a teacher in HE, I am autistic and receive the highest rate of PIP. In my first year of teaching (which was FE initially), I was awarded advanced practitioner status and spent part of my weekly training my colleagues on how to improve their practice. I also became a director of my professional within my first year of working in HE. This was due to being autistic, as:

• I had the ability to hyperfocus. This meant I knew how to teach as a subject inside out and excelled at it
• We tend not have any interest in small talk, as such I was able to excel in my profession as I wasn't spending large chunks of my day engaging in tittle-tattle about my colleagues or wasting time talking about the weather
• Due to being autistic, I am also honest and direct, plus I have a strong sense of justice, so I wasn't afraid to say it as it was and push for institutional change

Despite this, I do operate in a world that wasn't constructed with my needs in mind and due to society's unthoughtfulness, I do incur extra costs, which PIP pays for.  For example, I used to have to regularly attend directors meetings in London. The noise and lighting I experienced whilst there caused me sensory overload, which made me so tired I was unable to cook that evening and the next day. I was awarded PIP points for this as it affected my ability to make a meal and I relied on ready meals or takeaways during this time. That situation gets me 2 points. You only need 8 points to be awarded the benefit. 

The main thing you could do to support him is just to treat him like any other human, which he is. Find out about his likes, as well as interests and respect him e.g don't try to encourage to try new foods if he doesn't want to. It's would also help to remember that for a lot of autistic people, especially those who would have been labelled Aspergers, their 'disability' is socially constructed simply because their neurotype is in the minority and they operate in a different way to the predominant neurotype. They can actually do everything but sometimes in a different way to their peers.