Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m new and would really appreciate any help that anybody can give. My partner is 32 he has undiagnosed Aspergers, which he now agrees with, when reading he obsessed over it retaking online tests etc but now that has stopped. We thought it a blessing when we discovered it as it would explain why we would fall out and never understand why. We have 3 children between us from previous relationships and we talk about having a real future. Since realising his Aspergers our life still unfortunately revolves around his Aspergers and moods that relate to it. It’s a rollercoaster and his mood dictates our life, he is either really hyper and is a massive pushover with the kids and lovely with me, angry and down where he’s really withdrawn from me and tells the kids off for every little thing and sometimes he’s just in the middle but still really quiet and will still be over the top strict with the kids. He masks very well and handles any social situation with ease, better than I can. He doesn’t need to show affection or show love towards me nor can he talk about it at all. He shuts me down and it turns into a huge conflict. When he remembers he will cuddle or kiss or show affection sometimes but will not really talk. He doesn’t tend to talk much to me at all. I often feel guilty trying to get him to talk or have a conversation or and love. He cannot show empathy or see anything from anyone’s view point and says he always right. He doesn’t actually seem to have a need for me at all, more that he wants my company just sometimes. I don’t know if he’s very unhappy trying to give our family what we all need. We argue and fall out a lot, he just sees logic and I see the emotion which can be overwhelming. After a fallout we get back on track only to fall apart again days later. We have tried relate but don’t do the exercises given to us as I find it awkward asking him to do it and he doesn’t want to do it so won’t initiate it. Please can anybody help me. Does he love me and want to be with me and have our family or Is he going through the morons to appear to have a normal life?
Hi Mia
We tend to be very poor at talking about things that can't be measured and really good at talking about things that are solid and definable. We can talk for hours about our hobbies but when asked "How much do you love me?" we're screwed. We'll duck the question because there's no real answer. There's a good chance that you're speaking different languages over the 'soft' stuff.
When he's stressed from work and life, many of the soft questions can feel like a trap so he'll either not answer or he'll get angry as a deflection.
If you want to talk to him at any depth, indulge him in his hobby and when he's in nerd-mode, he'll be at his minimum stress level and he'll be more receptive to talking about other things at the same time.
Thankyou for your response. Do you think he is capable of loving me like I love him?
Absolutely - but he may not be able to tell you in a way that you would expect. We tend to show our affection by our actions - the things we do. If you want him to do other things to please you, just tell him - I'm sure he'd like a larger palette of things he can do you demonstrate his feelings.
I'm sure he'd also like to know he's appreciated by your actions too. Words are unmeasurable but actions speak louder than words.
You might find that when he snaps at the kids it's because he's stressed from work and has no way to decompress to get his brain into a better place before interacting with you all.
What does he do to de-stress?
Thankyou so much for your help :)