Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I’m new and would really appreciate any help that anybody can give. My partner is 32 he has undiagnosed Aspergers, which he now agrees with, when reading he obsessed over it retaking online tests etc but now that has stopped. We thought it a blessing when we discovered it as it would explain why we would fall out and never understand why. We have 3 children between us from previous relationships and we talk about having a real future. Since realising his Aspergers our life still unfortunately revolves around his Aspergers and moods that relate to it. It’s a rollercoaster and his mood dictates our life, he is either really hyper and is a massive pushover with the kids and lovely with me, angry and down where he’s really withdrawn from me and tells the kids off for every little thing and sometimes he’s just in the middle but still really quiet and will still be over the top strict with the kids. He masks very well and handles any social situation with ease, better than I can. He doesn’t need to show affection or show love towards me nor can he talk about it at all. He shuts me down and it turns into a huge conflict. When he remembers he will cuddle or kiss or show affection sometimes but will not really talk. He doesn’t tend to talk much to me at all. I often feel guilty trying to get him to talk or have a conversation or and love. He cannot show empathy or see anything from anyone’s view point and says he always right. He doesn’t actually seem to have a need for me at all, more that he wants my company just sometimes. I don’t know if he’s very unhappy trying to give our family what we all need. We argue and fall out a lot, he just sees logic and I see the emotion which can be overwhelming. After a fallout we get back on track only to fall apart again days later. We have tried relate but don’t do the exercises given to us as I find it awkward asking him to do it and he doesn’t want to do it so won’t initiate it. Please can anybody help me. Does he love me and want to be with me and have our family or Is he going through the morons to appear to have a normal life?
Thankyou so much for your help :)
Sounds like you both need to have a calm weekend together to de-stress and to renegotiate your relationship rules so you can be a team again. I'd wager he wants a nice, calm relationship with you but is unable to deal with the current status quo - you both want the same thing really - having your needs met in a mutually respectful way where you both feel valued and respected.
Why not send him an e-mail explaining your position and how you'd like to move forward - it might be easier for him to think of a coherent answer given the time to respond. Let him know you'd like things to be better for him too - so you both need to be open and honest - without clouding it all with confusing emotions - so you can come to a good solution.
I don’t know loads because he won’t talk. He said at the bed of his last relationship, which lasted 10 years whom he had a child with and was married to said in the end he felt lonely and they lived separate lives. Yet it seems to me that that’s exsctly what he would want and maybe it was his fault it turned out that way as they both didn’t know his diagnosis and he probably did what he did to me and just went away on his own a lot of the time. He generally comes across to me like he doesn’t really care about me that much and to be honest a lot of the time I feel like I may aswel not exist. I also have my own own personal issues as my previous relationship was very abusive. It’s just that when me and my partner started out, he obviously masked very well and now he’s the opposite to what he was. I want him to feel safe with me and to be able to be himself but on some level I also need a loving relationship .
There may be a load of built-in damage from previous relationships that you'll have to overcome - all sorts of trust issues about opening up and being vulnerable. Do you know how his previous relationship failed? If he sees too many parallels he may be getting frightened and will need reassurance. His outbursts may be a really clumsy way of testing your resolve because we're really bad at detecting people's true intentions. Finding the edges by hard testing is our only way to find the truth. Try not to take it personally, look beyond what he says to see where he's losing the ability to cope.
You telling him you love him will fall on deaf ears while he's consumed with stress - it really is our Achilles heel.
Get him de-stressed and then you'll be able to talk calmly while his brain is in rest-mode.
I will try and get more time just us. Although he would probably prefer to be just all on his own away from us all really which makes me feel sad. I do get quite offended by his behaviour. And when we argue he’s do great at saying all the nasty mean things to me in a very aggressive way yet he can’t tell me he loves me etc
He'll find it difficult to open up when his brain is fogged with stress. It's all out of control and he hasn't the ability to separate all the various logic-conflicts while he's in the middle of it all.
Try to create some space - are any in-laws local? Would the kids like an adventure weekend away with family?
That’s a great response Thankyou so much. That makes so much sense. We struggle to get rid of all the kids for the weekend but get an evening every couple do weeks just us. It doesn’t seem like it’s enough time really though. When we go on holidays and is just is then it’s lovely and we are generally ok. Out of reach is definitely the best way to describe him a lot of the time. I just wish he could come to me and open up and bit and let me in.
It sounds like he's struggling with his life and all the stress of work and responsibility. We develop our mask early on so as life gets more complex, it doesn't meet all our needs any more and our inner autie starts to show through the cracks. We don't adapt or change easily so he probably measures himself as constant - so if it's all suddenly different, then it *must* be everyone else changing around him - which is out of control - almost a conspiracy against him.
He's probably in a state of being lost and not knowing what to do for the best - it's all getting away from him - so his behaviour is a reaction to the total loss of control.
Are you able to de-stress him in any way - like getting rid of the kids for a weekend? Allow him to calm down and have a long chat with him - explain you're on his side but he's becoming too difficult to reach - and what can the pair of you do to rebalance things.
A low-stress weekend doing nice things like a meal out, a visit to a nerdy museum etc. could give him the space to think rationally. we love logic so if it's all controlled and sensible, we can work with it and make plans.
I wish he could communicate when that is but he doesn’t and then all of a sudden he isn’t very nice to us. He can’t and won’t ever properly listen to my opinion. When he’s angry all he says is how selfish we are as NTs and he’s giving me everything he has by just appearing to be normal.
There's a fine line between him decompressing from the stress of the day and being a selfish pig.
He is very much into playing on his computer or ps 4. I don’t really like him doing it all of the time though, I want to spend time some times with him having us time which he does do. He also is going through a phase at the moment where he wants the sports channel on all of the time and following it all.
Absolutely - but he may not be able to tell you in a way that you would expect. We tend to show our affection by our actions - the things we do. If you want him to do other things to please you, just tell him - I'm sure he'd like a larger palette of things he can do you demonstrate his feelings.
I'm sure he'd also like to know he's appreciated by your actions too. Words are unmeasurable but actions speak louder than words.
You might find that when he snaps at the kids it's because he's stressed from work and has no way to decompress to get his brain into a better place before interacting with you all.
What does he do to de-stress?
Thankyou for your response. Do you think he is capable of loving me like I love him?
Hi Mia
We tend to be very poor at talking about things that can't be measured and really good at talking about things that are solid and definable. We can talk for hours about our hobbies but when asked "How much do you love me?" we're screwed. We'll duck the question because there's no real answer. There's a good chance that you're speaking different languages over the 'soft' stuff.
When he's stressed from work and life, many of the soft questions can feel like a trap so he'll either not answer or he'll get angry as a deflection.
If you want to talk to him at any depth, indulge him in his hobby and when he's in nerd-mode, he'll be at his minimum stress level and he'll be more receptive to talking about other things at the same time.
*motions