Hello. Am I in for a world of pain?

I am a parent. Yes readjusting is the a necessary step, but not the one you describe. 

The best thing you might do at this stage is to change your sources. Stop reading the dehumanising degrading ableist speak of the relevant organisations and start reading literature and research from people who want to improve the lives of autistic people and achieve acceptance and equality.

You need to challenge assumptions and values behind the statements of the sources you ve' been reading.

AlexBrown said:

Everything was perfect in our lives until we started noticing repetitive behaviour in our child.

How about reading Sinclair's 'Don't mourn for us".

AlexBrown said:

constant spinning of car wheels

[that what wheels are for?]

AlexBrown said:

almost disbelief and the hard part is in readjusting my expectations for my son. I had all sorts of ideas of what father and son would do. It's so devastating.

You don't believe a son with a disability could do things with you? Have aspirations and a fulfilling life? He is less worthy than the imaginary child you dreamt of?

Read the Human rights Act, the Equality Act, the international convention on human rights and the UN convention on the rights of people with disabilities.

Repeating the slogans of the 'tragedy', victimhood and cure lobby is also a repetitive behaviour.

Those slogans are devaluing the humanity and denying equality to autistic people.

Autism is a life long condition, there cannot be a cure for autism as such and your son will be always be autistic. So a 'perfect' life on the terms of those organisation is the life where your son doesn't exist. I am sure you don't think of it this way, but these are the values and implications behind those slogans.

All people are born equal in dignity and rights and this includes the right of autonomy. Whatever behaviours about his own mind and body he has are his own for him to choose, not for others to control. By zooming on 'repetitive behaviours' you are undermining the person the right of autonomy.

You son will always be autistic even if you train him to hide it to be 'indistinguishable'. it might make you feel good, but leave him with destroyed self concept, with the same internal angst and possibly with PTSD.

Projecting these ableist limiting and degrading attitudes on your own child cannot be good for either of you. Your son growing up will need fair and accepting attitudes in society. He will need people to accommodate his differences and accept him as equal for who he is. It will be his life to live, his aspirations and his dreams to dream.  

Spreading and promoting this ableist concept of autism is the last thing your child needs.

You need to be on his side.

You're absolutely right. As much as your response is direct, I totally agree with you. Why should I limit my perception of my child? That's only going to rub onto him. I have no right to assume he can't live a fulfilled life. I guess it's the fear of a parent. The fear that my child will get bullied at school. Maybe he will not be able to find a partner. All sorts of unsubstantiated beliefs.

I need to get out of that mentality. 

Would you mind sharing some of your experiences? WIthout making assumptions, I'm assuming maybe you also have an autistic child? What has worked for you and not?

By the way my wife needs to see your comment. She spends all day worrying about our son, and crying about it. She needs to see how she might impact his future by over-worrying. I will show this message to her. Thank you so much. It's the wake up call she needs.

Hey. I got a diagnosis of autism yesterday and I'm really upset about it and I'm also really upset about my own negative stereotypes of autism and I feel like my emotional reaction has pissed off some people who think that I should be more positive about it. But you know what, shame is not a helpful or healthy emotion and other people telling me that I shouldn't react a certain way is not helping me to grow.  For myself, I would really like to be more positive about it and believe that I will be eventually, but it takes time and as am I, you are allowed to be upset. Trying to repress your emotions is not going to help you work through the situation or come to acceptance. I'm sure you are a great parent and will be a great parent to an autistic child as well. You sound as though you want to be, so you are already half way there. 

Hi there. Thank you for your kind words. I want to be a good parent but wierdly I feel paralysed. So overwhelmed that it's easier not to do anything about it. My wife is taking the burden. I barely interact with my kid yet I'm thinking about him all the time. It's really bizarre. I think I'm overwhelmed and haven't fully come around to the fact that there's going to be a very, very long road ahead.

As for your diagnosis, I'm sorry to hear you're upset about it. If I can say one thing to make you feel better, that would be that everyone in the world is going through some sort of "issue". Some people are unhappy with life in general, some people are anxious about work and job security etc. Everyone has something which they think isn't optimal.

The way I think about this is going very high level. It's a bit of a wierd analogy but think of the universe. It's faced many things but it keeps going on and on. No one problem is really a problem to the universe. All our frustrations and problems, at the end of the day are momentary. Once we've left earth, nothing really matters. None of our problems are problems anymore. Enjoy whatever time you have here. It's who you are. We're all here on earth for a split of a moment. As long as you're able to live through life its happiness that matters. Be happy. Really. It's not a buzz word. That's what I strive for in my life now. As I explained in my previous post, I'm realizing I have a lot of odd quirks - I check the car multiple times to see if its locked, I check the gas hob 10 times to make sure it's off. But these repetiive behavious also makes me good at work. I'm thorough and I don't make too many mistakes.

Acceptance is the first road to enlightenment. 

Hi there. Thank you for your kind words. I want to be a good parent but wierdly I feel paralysed. So overwhelmed that it's easier not to do anything about it. My wife is taking the burden. I barely interact with my kid yet I'm thinking about him all the time. It's really bizarre. I think I'm overwhelmed and haven't fully come around to the fact that there's going to be a very, very long road ahead.

As for your diagnosis, I'm sorry to hear you're upset about it. If I can say one thing to make you feel better, that would be that everyone in the world is going through some sort of "issue". Some people are unhappy with life in general, some people are anxious about work and job security etc. Everyone has something which they think isn't optimal.

The way I think about this is going very high level. It's a bit of a wierd analogy but think of the universe. It's faced many things but it keeps going on and on. No one problem is really a problem to the universe. All our frustrations and problems, at the end of the day are momentary. Once we've left earth, nothing really matters. None of our problems are problems anymore. Enjoy whatever time you have here. It's who you are. We're all here on earth for a split of a moment. As long as you're able to live through life its happiness that matters. Be happy. Really. It's not a buzz word. That's what I strive for in my life now. As I explained in my previous post, I'm realizing I have a lot of odd quirks - I check the car multiple times to see if its locked, I check the gas hob 10 times to make sure it's off. But these repetiive behavious also makes me good at work. I'm thorough and I don't make too many mistakes.

Acceptance is the first road to enlightenment.