31, Recently Diagnosed

Hi,

My name’s Tom and I need to unload following my diagnosis so apologies for the long message and feel free to skip by!

I am 31 and have recently been diagnosed with autism. I have experienced a lot of the same life patterns many others seem to with ASD i.e. dysfunctional relationships, short lived friendships, difficulty holding down jobs, anxiety, depression, excessive drinking, drugs etc. I was also raised a Jehovah’s Witness which compounded the problem of feeling isolated and alone due to its socially restrictive and exclusive nature and aversion to psychotherapy.

Since childhood I have experienced crippling anxiety and bouts of depression and until the last few years found it difficult just to step outside my front door. There have been periods where I have not left my house for weeks or months. This has been made worse by the fact my living situation has been extremely unstable throughout my life. I have been in the YMCA, shared accommodations, rooms above pubs… I have moved so many times I have lost count.

I stopped turning up to school in year 9. I would just spend all day walking the fields around school alone rather than be around other kids. I was treated like a trouble child at school and home. I frequently complained that I could not cope with the amount of noise in the classrooms and the teachers shouting etc but this was not taken seriously. I also struggled with bullying due to my quiet nature and my family’s religious orientation at the time. I cannot recall an occasion I was not anxious as a child. I have dropped out of 3 college courses and 1 university degree. I have also walked out of every job I have ever had until my current but I’ll explain that.

A few years ago, I was in a real bad place, in a tiny run-down apartment with a girlfriend who could not understand me and had her own mental health issues, I’d just walked out of another job and to be honest I’d had enough. I decided to turn to family for help. I moved in with my sister, my brother got me an interview at the same place he worked and life has slowly improved since then. I work in an office now, which has its own difficulties for me but since the diagnosis they have been very supportive in making changes to support me for which I am very grateful.

It is incredibly difficult to portray in a few paragraphs how difficult, painful, lonely and just plain awful it has been growing up with undiagnosed autism but I am sure the majority on here can relate.

Since the diagnosis I have become aware of how much I have been masking and how much that has affected my mental health and so I do not hide myself anymore (I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders). I am also not afraid to speak up for the support or changes I need to make my life easier. I know I have suffered enough regardless what anyone else thinks.  It is upsetting to know life could have been much different had I been diagnosed sooner, but there is always someone who has it worse and I know feeling sorry for myself won’t help anything.

Now I am just allowing myself to be me and not trying to behave like anyone else even if it seems weird. I will be trying to work with my autism instead of trying to hide it.

Apologies for the disjointed rant but I am lonely and as I said I needed to unload 

Thanks for reading,

Tom