31, Recently Diagnosed

Hi,

My name’s Tom and I need to unload following my diagnosis so apologies for the long message and feel free to skip by!

I am 31 and have recently been diagnosed with autism. I have experienced a lot of the same life patterns many others seem to with ASD i.e. dysfunctional relationships, short lived friendships, difficulty holding down jobs, anxiety, depression, excessive drinking, drugs etc. I was also raised a Jehovah’s Witness which compounded the problem of feeling isolated and alone due to its socially restrictive and exclusive nature and aversion to psychotherapy.

Since childhood I have experienced crippling anxiety and bouts of depression and until the last few years found it difficult just to step outside my front door. There have been periods where I have not left my house for weeks or months. This has been made worse by the fact my living situation has been extremely unstable throughout my life. I have been in the YMCA, shared accommodations, rooms above pubs… I have moved so many times I have lost count.

I stopped turning up to school in year 9. I would just spend all day walking the fields around school alone rather than be around other kids. I was treated like a trouble child at school and home. I frequently complained that I could not cope with the amount of noise in the classrooms and the teachers shouting etc but this was not taken seriously. I also struggled with bullying due to my quiet nature and my family’s religious orientation at the time. I cannot recall an occasion I was not anxious as a child. I have dropped out of 3 college courses and 1 university degree. I have also walked out of every job I have ever had until my current but I’ll explain that.

A few years ago, I was in a real bad place, in a tiny run-down apartment with a girlfriend who could not understand me and had her own mental health issues, I’d just walked out of another job and to be honest I’d had enough. I decided to turn to family for help. I moved in with my sister, my brother got me an interview at the same place he worked and life has slowly improved since then. I work in an office now, which has its own difficulties for me but since the diagnosis they have been very supportive in making changes to support me for which I am very grateful.

It is incredibly difficult to portray in a few paragraphs how difficult, painful, lonely and just plain awful it has been growing up with undiagnosed autism but I am sure the majority on here can relate.

Since the diagnosis I have become aware of how much I have been masking and how much that has affected my mental health and so I do not hide myself anymore (I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders). I am also not afraid to speak up for the support or changes I need to make my life easier. I know I have suffered enough regardless what anyone else thinks.  It is upsetting to know life could have been much different had I been diagnosed sooner, but there is always someone who has it worse and I know feeling sorry for myself won’t help anything.

Now I am just allowing myself to be me and not trying to behave like anyone else even if it seems weird. I will be trying to work with my autism instead of trying to hide it.

Apologies for the disjointed rant but I am lonely and as I said I needed to unload Blush

Thanks for reading,

Tom

Parents
  • Tom. Well done you for getting to a better place now. Childhood can be hard when nobody understands. My childhood and school life were hellish. Stay positive. Look forward, not back. It can work out. Don't apologise for getting things off your chest. A problem shared, etc. We've all felt like a rant and felt better for letting it out. For me that has always been a big problem, getting emotions, feelings and thoughts out, but one thing I have learnt over the years is that I can write it down or type it and it is much easier to get out that way. Good luck. Research lots and try to make your life work for you. It will require work but will be worth it.

Reply
  • Tom. Well done you for getting to a better place now. Childhood can be hard when nobody understands. My childhood and school life were hellish. Stay positive. Look forward, not back. It can work out. Don't apologise for getting things off your chest. A problem shared, etc. We've all felt like a rant and felt better for letting it out. For me that has always been a big problem, getting emotions, feelings and thoughts out, but one thing I have learnt over the years is that I can write it down or type it and it is much easier to get out that way. Good luck. Research lots and try to make your life work for you. It will require work but will be worth it.

Children
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