Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this.
My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little.
I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible.
I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life.
I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger.
I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips.
Sending love, thanks and best wishes.
Hi, I thought that I'd reply to this as it struck a chord with me. I am a woman with AS and I've also been convinced for some years that my husband also has AS (though he's having none of it!). It is incredibly rare that myself or my husband are affectionate towards each other. Most of the time this is fine by me and there are times when I don't want him anywhere near me BUT there are also times when I really need a hug, such as when I'm feeling down or when I was really hormonal after having our daughters or sometimes just because. If I ever ask my husband for a cuddle, the best I get, on a good day is a cuddle at arm's length, most of the time I'll just get a pat on the shoulder or he'll just walk off. He doesn't comfort me if I'm ever crying, he'll just keep talking at me or ignore me. We don't tend to say anything emotional about each other or the relationship because that's not really our thing. What I'm trying to get at is that I do understand, as a woman, even an autistic woman, that it can be hard to be in a relationship where you are not receiving physical affection.
BUT,
I think that a couple of people have already touched on the need to be aware of what language your partner expresses love in. I actually have a book about this upstairs but I can't get to it at the moment as my husband is asleep after a night shift, I'll access it later and put the details on here for you as I personally found it incredibly helpful. The basic gist of it is this, there are I think 5 'languages' of love, each person has one language that they express love in and another (can be the same or different) that they like to receive love in. Disharmony can occur when partners fail to 'speak' the same love language as each other. So for example, it seems as if you need to receive love in the language of physical affection and words. However, it might be the case that your partner communicates his love for you in the 'language' of doing practical tasks for you. This love is no less meant than if he were to give you a hug or tell you he loves you, it is just 'spoken' in a different 'language'. I hope I'm making some sense here? Your partner will also have a language that he needs love to be expressed to him in, do you know what that is? In what way do you express love to him? (that's genuine question, I'm autistic so I'm plain speaking). Unfortunately what can happen, if one half of a couple is receiving love in a language other than the one they need, then they don't feel loved and the other half of the couple can feel unappreciated as their efforts are going unnoticed. I really need to post the link to that book later as it explains it all a lot better than I am! The long and the short of it is this. What I realised after reading that book is that my husband may not cuddle me or tell me that he loves me but he communicates his love to me in practical ways such as when he does the school run and lets me sleep in when he's not working, or by doing lots of work on the garden so that it looks nice when we sit out there for dinner, or by growing fruit and vegetables for us. Once I understood this, I stopped feeling so jaded that he wasn't expressing his love to me, because he does express his love to me, just in a different way.
Thank you so much for your answer. I think I may have read that book, but a long time ago and not well! I should definitely revisit it. Interestingly, when I've asked my partner what makes him feel I love him, he says that it's me telling him I love him and just being here. It means I don't have to try- at all! Which makes me feel guilty and as though things are really unfair and imbalanced here. My mere presence in his life is enough to make him feel content- why can't I feel like that about him? I'm similar to you- I'm not actually SUPER affectionate myself. I would probably hate if he was all over me all the time, and he knows that, so this must make it so much harder for him to understand when the time is right (such as when I'm crying, which many NT people would inherently know). I find it so difficult to be literal in my language and express myself when I'm not black and white, either. It feels like both of our emotions depend on me and the way I speak which is such a huge responsibility, and it also forces me to really, really search myself which I can find exhausting. I also feel ashamed of resenting it, and guilty, which doesn't help. I wonder if there's a book about being in a relationship with someone with AS?
I'm absolutely waffling now, but I'm finding it so useful to type these things out. Thank you so much for responding to me.
I hope that the book helps you although as Former Member said ASD counselling may prove helpful.
We're all human beings, regardless of our diagnosis. We all deserve the same chance at life, at love, at happiness :-) Asking real people for advice is always far better than trusting Dr Google!
I haven't read this one! I'll pick it up :) Thank you. I also have men are from mars but have never read it. I will! And I know exactly what you mean- I was diagnosed with BPD in my teens (I would argue that I don't have it anymore and medical professionals agree). The perception of borderlines is that we're literally the spawn of satan and that everyone should avoid us! This is why I wanted to ask for advice from real people rather than just google
You're welcome. Here's the link for the book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156
I would also highly recommend 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' as I've read it myself and think that it gives a really good insight into the differences in the ways that men and women's brains work, regardless of autism or not.
There are many books out there about being in a relationship with someone with AS. But please beware, there are some that can be incredibly prejudiced towards Autistic people, painting us as emotionally abusive, which we're not, our brains are just wired differently. I wonder if anyone else on here can recommend a good book on being in a relationship with someone with AS???