I'm (still) just ME!

HI.  First the boring stuff...  Male, 46, married, children etc...

I have spent my life always feeling different  - interpreting things differently to my peers, feeling like the 5th wheel at gatherings, often being told (accused) of being rude and overtly blunt, not being able to maintain casual friendships etc.

After being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and then losing my job because of it (employment tribunal ongoing), I have been working with the local NHS mental health support team for nearly a year.  This week I had an appointment with an IPT practitioner for an initial assessment.  After talking for about 5 minutes, she asked me if I'm autistic or if I have had an ASD diagnosis.  I hadn't really considered the possibility myself, though I know that my brother is ASD.

I say that I hadn't considered the possibility myself but my wife (9 years married) has been suggesting for most of the last year that I speak to my GP about it.  When I broached the subject with my GP at my last appointment (concerning the depression) he stated that he did not believe there would be any clinical benefit to receiving a diagnosis etc.

Anyway, after my IPT assessment, and at the suggestion of the practitioner, I did an online AQ-10 and scored 9/10.  I then did an AQ-50 and scored 41.  I then asked my wife to complete the AQ-50 on my behalf (she had not been part of the initial go through) and the result came out at 39/50.

We then discussed these results in some details and have both done a lot of reading and research around ASD and "The Spectrum".  I have been completely shocked as to how many "Aspie" boxes I tick.  Furthermore, when I look back at a number of things in my life - and discussing them with my wife - some things now make so much more sense.  Just as importantly, my wife agrees with this and has stated that some of the things about life with me that she really could not understand (e.g. getting really stressed to the point of anger when she changes plans at the last minute), when looked through the lens of an aspie, actually make sense.

In looking back on my life, with the aspie in mind, I have been able to understand so many things that, at the time - and even later - simply did not make sense to me.  One of the more recent of these would be the situation that led to me losing my job.  All the time I had worked there, my manager had been really on my case about the way I spoke to people and did not properly integrate into the larger group that our team belonged to.  I really could not see where there was a problem or why it had to be me that was the problem.  At one point, during a closed door meeting where my manager was again "discussing" these things with me, I became so frustrated that I ended up in tears.  He interpreted this as being our of remorse or regret at not doing better with my peers but it was purely the level of frustration at not being able to understand what he was going on about.

Whilst I have not yet received a formal diagnosis (and possibly won't), I have an appointment with one of my mental health workers later this week so will discus the matter with her.

Anyway, in some ways, self-diagnosing as ASD, possibly even an "Aspie", feels like weight being lifted from my shoulders.  In other ways it is frustrating; reading through the various literature available, there have been a number of other diagnosis' that could all have been explained with ad ASD diagnosis which, in turn, would have made life so much easier - especially in the world of work and interpersonal relationships.

That being said, if I had been diagnosed when younger, different life choices would have been made both by me and for me (e.g. I can pinpoint at least 3 relationships that failed due to ASD-like communication issues) and I would not have landed in the place I was when I met my (now) wife.  Subsequently, I would not have our 2 daughters who are my world.

Anyway...  Just wanted to say "Hi" and....?

Oh, one final thing.  Someone in one of the other posts shared a link to a test on www.rdos.net...  I took that test this evening and obtained the following results:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 136 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 63 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

I'm willing to share the full results if anyone is particularly interested...

Off to make (another) cuppa...