Hi I'm new


I've been fairly sure for quite a while I have autism. Have always found the world very confusing and don't get what other people are on about half the time.

My partner changed my life in the sense he understood me in a way no one else did. He understood why I said things in certain ways and just got me. I am very lucky. We have been together for quite a few years now and just had our third child. Some days I feel on top of the world and feel like I can do anything. I feel I have a good hold on parenting,  adequately meeting my partner's emotional needs, etc. All things I find mentally exhausting.

Other days I just feel like the world is crashing down. We have had a lot of stressful stuff happening recently and now have a newborn on top of that which is amazing but in itself very draining. I get a lot of anxiety anyway about things I don't logically have a reason to stress about so now there's stuff that's actually stressful I feel like I just can't cope.

The problem is when I get to that point I am not pleasant to be around especially for my partner. I am impatient and interpret things he is saying as a personal attack on me when it's not. This means I retaliate and get quite rude to him unnecessarily. He is genuinely very nice and patient with me and it takes a lot for him to eventually lose it with me. I never realise at the time what I'm doing, how rude I'm being and why he is getting upset. It's only afterwards I understand what has happened and of course feel awful about it. These emotions then can set off my anxiety again and then I do the same to him again and it spirals.

I just don't know what to do to stop this. I know he doesn't deserve to be treated this way and I don't want to do this to him. I don't know how to stop it as it is like my brain has gone into shutdown mode in these situations and I can't think and don't know what is going on anymore. Then I still speak but end up saying everything in the wrong way or the completely wrong thing. 

Any suggestions please.