Hi, I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me


I was diagnosed with Asperger's a couple of years ago and I'm currently at university. I recently went back to the assessment documents and this website was mentioned for me to look at.

Sometimes, I just can't speak (or can, but barely), and I don't understand why. It doesn't seem to follow a pattern (that I can make sense of). I don't know what it is or what to do, but it's been like this all my life and I am gradually getting better. I'd like to speed it (the improving) up, if possible.

In school, I went from not being able to speak to anyone, to just a few people, to kids in my year, to all kids, to gradually being able to speak to teachers/adults outside of family. I've made progress in university too - I didn't send emails, now I do (still takes me a while and I get the same reaction(?) as when I struggle speaking), and I'm speaking more (in general). I can speak to anyone (apart from situations when I can't - it's situations rather than people now).

I don't feel anxious or worry or fear anything - there is nothing going through my head when this happens. I'm feeling normal, I've got stuff to say, I've got a chance to speak, but when I try to, for some reason I can't (or it takes me a while to start and I can barely put words together). 

This happens for seminars/presentations, which are a part of university coursework.

There's no problem in terms of lecturers giving me a hard time for it or anything (the opposite). The first presentation I worked with the group to make it but didn't present it and the second one I did (attempted to, at least) it just to my personal tutor (couldn't speak, even though I can talk to her - it makes no sense). It's having no impact on my grades. I've got a third one coming up and I'll be up there (hopefully) speaking a bit. The disability advisers at university seem to be more about accommodating it rather than fixing it, I think, anyway. Or maybe I can't explain it well enough to them if I don't understand it. I don't know to be honest, since I didn't have any of this in school since I had no diagnosis until after I already left.

What is going on here? Does it have a name? Is it something that I can get better at faster? If so, how?

I've tried to understand the pattern of it, but I don't see what would tie it together. Here's what I can think of:

I can't speak to google assistant (or siri, or cortana, etc. - the "ok google, look up X" or "siri, play Y" things), but I can do phone calls. I couldn't present to my personal tutor, but I can speak to her. I could barely speak in a discussion/debate, but I can speak to every single person in the room with no problem. I sometimes struggle with emails to my personal tutor, but not always. I went around employer stands at a careers fair starting conversations with absolutely no problem, I can speak to disability advisers I've never met, again, no problem, not had this problem in any social situations (e.g. at the pub, on the bus). I'd have thought speaking to potential employers or being in social situations with this would be more of an issue than speaking just to my phone, but no.

For what happens, I'm not sure. I can't speak and my face gets hot, but that's it, I think. I'm not breathing fast or anything like that (I'm pretty sure).

I don't know where to even start, all I really know is I have Asperger's.

Thanks for reading, sorry if it is long. Any sort of input on sorting this would be appreciated. Or anyone who is similar to this, that would be interesting to hear too.