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Do prior records help or inhibit diagnosis?

IrkaBlue

I'm a 22 year old waiting for her assessment, and I'm guessing most of you know how hard the wait is, though, I'm fighting back after my supreme meltdown in December to get in work. Trying not to put my life on hold beyond avoiding returning to study until I get a diagnosis.  

I was assessed when I was a young child at the local neurodisability centre for children. So, ah, I'm guessing these will be on my medical records? 

- They believed I had learning difficulties (that was proven otherwise)

- I was discovered to have poor coordination and fine motor skills (I fall standing up)

- Repeatedly saw audiologist (not deaf, probably just shy)

- Speech and Language Therapist (they concluded it was muscle slackness behind my speech difficulties)

- Educational Psychologist

--

This was in the late 1990s and early 2000. My GP has since referred me for an Adult assessment when I confided in her that part of why I was depressed came down to me feeling alien no matter what. The wait is difficult and I'm wondering if these prior records will be useful or negative in how they influence the opinion of my assessor/s.  

I can't help but to overthink this, even though deep down, I know I have an AS disorder. There's always been an oddness to me, and there are too many traits of (ASD) with comorbid conditions, for me to feel as if I'm trying to label myself falsely ( which I thought for some years).  

Now, I can't help but worry that they'll think I'm attention seeking? Or think I know better than professionals. I feel that I began to mask too soon (I had older sisters to copy), and my tomboyish was because (my first few pre-school friends were boys). I'm frustrated. But I know that most girls with Autism tended to present with learning difficulties (as far as most were concerned).  So, certainly, I'm rather frustrated that I believe I was 'missed', even though, naturally, I do understand the factors that would have contributed to it. 

I'm a researcher by study, started out in Psychology, so I like to think I can be objective in my own 'self-diagnosis'. I'm just so scared of exposing how vulnerable I really am by being completely honest. I feel a bit like a helpless child again, or maybe I never properly grew out of that immature part of myself? I've always felt this odd mix of 'old soul/naive child'.  

Has anyone had a similiar experience, or have any guesses on how this could work out? 

-Irka 

Parents

  • I can be really forgetful, so I do apologise for not responding sooner. I did finally get acknowledgement of my referral and confirmation that I am on the waiting list. There is only one Adult Autism team in my area and referral numbers have increased. I'm glad more people are hopefully getting the answers they need. I just hate waiting because I always come up with the most ridiculous of scenarios of what will happen. I guess even though I have no doubts, and in all clinical tests used, I score significantly above the minimum threshold... I still feel as if maybe I'm a hypochondriac? 

    I doubt. I've always doubted.  Maybe not as much externally, because people would just tell me not to, and it'd be awkward for me. I know continiously rejecting their opinion would make it appear as if I was just attention seeking. The truth is, I have no strengths as a person.  I'm not particularly super nice, mean or intelligent. I read exceptionally fast, but I write and can only speak in a very awkward fashion. No matter how hard I try, I can't drill in the basic grammatical skills of the English language into my head. The kicker? I truly love writing and always have. I've loved escaping into a fictional world through reading and writing.  I just feel like a dead weight in the lives of my family.

    I'm 22 and I've never managed to gain paid employment. I've been applying since I was sixteen years old, and have had a grand total of 2 interviews. One, was basically coldcalling (everyone got an interview). I have trouble hearing through background noise etc.  They were gracious when they offered extra help in training, but it was obvious I was useless and even if they framed it as 'being too nice a person' to handle it...

    The second, was an interview for a Dominos. I obviously didn't get an offer of employment and I could tell even after the interview. He was nice, but even I could tell he thought I was odd. The irony is that I'd have worked all the shifts and hours given to me without complaint. I'd have worked harder than anyone else because I was so damn grateful to actually be given an interview. I was 21 years old at the time and just managed to land MY FIRST interview. 

    Since we've spoken I've applied for about 30 positions. I have received exactly 0 responses. My CV (albeit lacking in paid employment experience) is as good as it can be without lying. The trouble is that I'm a 22 year old with no relevant experience they want. And they'd have to pay me 6.70 when they could hire an 18 year old (with experience) for less.

    My savings are just about out and I'm going to need to apply for job seekers. I'm going to need to have weekly meetings. Demeaning. And I don't think I can mentally cope with it? My family members don't think I can either. I have my parents telling me not to worry and not to apply.

    Now that I came clean about my troubles, I've been so well supported, but I am 22 years old and not currently in study... I can't let my parents support me any longer. I'm not lazy or unwilling to work at all. I want to work even if it means I'll spend an hour sobbing after a shift to decompress. 

    I can take it, if it means I'm not a dead weight. Sorry for unloading this all here, but I'd been stupidly optimistic that I'd get an interview or two. I apply for anything that I can conceivably travel to and from. I've even applied to stuff where I'd need to hang about for hours before/after in order to use public transport. The trouble is that there are some jobs like waitressing that I physically can't do? I lose balance just standing upright... I speak too fast/struggle with some pronunciations ... Taking in verbal instructions? Hahahaha...I struggle.

    I feel broken. I know that doesn't apply for everyone, but for me, I just feel defective. I just want to stop being anxious, awkward and fit in.

    I want to be able to cope with loud music in bars and wear tight/attractive clothes. I don't want to pull away from any chance of a relationship with someone I could be really happy with. I want to not have to plan any journeys to a T. Triple or quadruple checking everything. Panic mid-journey in case I messed up and...  Honestly, I just want to hide away in a dark room and let the world go on around me.

     Simultaneously, I want to be able enjoy going out for meals or a drink with friends who deserve better than me! I want to stop being terrified of the world around me. I'm trying to be patient and calm, when really I want to rake my nails down my arms, or rock backwards and forwards... Stamp my feet or punch walls. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to hurt on the outside as much as I hurt inside.  But I don't because that isn't 'normal'.  Every harsh word or criticism destroys me inside, not because I disagree, but because most of the time I know they are being kind. 

    To stop them worrying, I make out I'm doing much better.  That I'm confident a diagnosis will allow me to get into a 'normal' life. In reality, I know it isn't going to fix a thing. I'm on the wrong frequency and I after so many years of trying I don't think I'm going to ever find the right one. I can't help but to think EVEN with a diagnosis: what kind of future can I make for myself? All I do is disappoint.

Reply

  • I can be really forgetful, so I do apologise for not responding sooner. I did finally get acknowledgement of my referral and confirmation that I am on the waiting list. There is only one Adult Autism team in my area and referral numbers have increased. I'm glad more people are hopefully getting the answers they need. I just hate waiting because I always come up with the most ridiculous of scenarios of what will happen. I guess even though I have no doubts, and in all clinical tests used, I score significantly above the minimum threshold... I still feel as if maybe I'm a hypochondriac? 

    I doubt. I've always doubted.  Maybe not as much externally, because people would just tell me not to, and it'd be awkward for me. I know continiously rejecting their opinion would make it appear as if I was just attention seeking. The truth is, I have no strengths as a person.  I'm not particularly super nice, mean or intelligent. I read exceptionally fast, but I write and can only speak in a very awkward fashion. No matter how hard I try, I can't drill in the basic grammatical skills of the English language into my head. The kicker? I truly love writing and always have. I've loved escaping into a fictional world through reading and writing.  I just feel like a dead weight in the lives of my family.

    I'm 22 and I've never managed to gain paid employment. I've been applying since I was sixteen years old, and have had a grand total of 2 interviews. One, was basically coldcalling (everyone got an interview). I have trouble hearing through background noise etc.  They were gracious when they offered extra help in training, but it was obvious I was useless and even if they framed it as 'being too nice a person' to handle it...

    The second, was an interview for a Dominos. I obviously didn't get an offer of employment and I could tell even after the interview. He was nice, but even I could tell he thought I was odd. The irony is that I'd have worked all the shifts and hours given to me without complaint. I'd have worked harder than anyone else because I was so damn grateful to actually be given an interview. I was 21 years old at the time and just managed to land MY FIRST interview. 

    Since we've spoken I've applied for about 30 positions. I have received exactly 0 responses. My CV (albeit lacking in paid employment experience) is as good as it can be without lying. The trouble is that I'm a 22 year old with no relevant experience they want. And they'd have to pay me 6.70 when they could hire an 18 year old (with experience) for less.

    My savings are just about out and I'm going to need to apply for job seekers. I'm going to need to have weekly meetings. Demeaning. And I don't think I can mentally cope with it? My family members don't think I can either. I have my parents telling me not to worry and not to apply.

    Now that I came clean about my troubles, I've been so well supported, but I am 22 years old and not currently in study... I can't let my parents support me any longer. I'm not lazy or unwilling to work at all. I want to work even if it means I'll spend an hour sobbing after a shift to decompress. 

    I can take it, if it means I'm not a dead weight. Sorry for unloading this all here, but I'd been stupidly optimistic that I'd get an interview or two. I apply for anything that I can conceivably travel to and from. I've even applied to stuff where I'd need to hang about for hours before/after in order to use public transport. The trouble is that there are some jobs like waitressing that I physically can't do? I lose balance just standing upright... I speak too fast/struggle with some pronunciations ... Taking in verbal instructions? Hahahaha...I struggle.

    I feel broken. I know that doesn't apply for everyone, but for me, I just feel defective. I just want to stop being anxious, awkward and fit in.

    I want to be able to cope with loud music in bars and wear tight/attractive clothes. I don't want to pull away from any chance of a relationship with someone I could be really happy with. I want to not have to plan any journeys to a T. Triple or quadruple checking everything. Panic mid-journey in case I messed up and...  Honestly, I just want to hide away in a dark room and let the world go on around me.

     Simultaneously, I want to be able enjoy going out for meals or a drink with friends who deserve better than me! I want to stop being terrified of the world around me. I'm trying to be patient and calm, when really I want to rake my nails down my arms, or rock backwards and forwards... Stamp my feet or punch walls. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to hurt on the outside as much as I hurt inside.  But I don't because that isn't 'normal'.  Every harsh word or criticism destroys me inside, not because I disagree, but because most of the time I know they are being kind. 

    To stop them worrying, I make out I'm doing much better.  That I'm confident a diagnosis will allow me to get into a 'normal' life. In reality, I know it isn't going to fix a thing. I'm on the wrong frequency and I after so many years of trying I don't think I'm going to ever find the right one. I can't help but to think EVEN with a diagnosis: what kind of future can I make for myself? All I do is disappoint.

Children
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