Diagnose or not?

It sounds as though she is understandably scared of what a diagnosis might mean. It may take time to come to terms with this and it needs to be presented as a potential positive i.e. as a potential solution for her anxieties etc. Ignoring the issue is not a good strategy, people on the spectrum can be resistant to a new idea and may put up a brick wall and refuse to engage with the help that is available.

One thing that is worth mentioning is that there is a good chance that other family members may also be on the spectrum. Autism is frequently an inherited condition. There is a free and reliable test at aspergerstest.net/.../ that I would recommend any parents, of someone who might be on the spectrum. The test is not a diagnosis but it does an extremely good job of identifying people with traits of autism.

Thank you so much for your detailed and reassuring comments, it means so much. I will definitely look at the website and get the book you recommend Pixie, although after talking with my daughter she’s not yet ready to look at this, maybe in time she will be.  I think when she is it might help if I’m equipped with a little more knowledge so I might support her better. This has been a great relief for me to speak to people who have (or are) going through similar experiences to her - thank you for taking the time to do this!

Hi Bluejen

Many of us on this forum have found out much later in life that we are on the autistic spectrum, some like me in middle age. But not all of us decide to get a "formal" diagnosis as there isn't much support available even if you need it, which many of us don't anyway.

It is really good to understand yourself though and I wish I had known earlier. As an Aspie (nickname for person with aspergers) female, I learned very early to act in a neurotypical (non autistic) way and even I had no idea until recently, even though I always felt different, seemed more sensitive than other people and had problems with relationships.

The website of Tania A Marshall has information about the unique traits of Aspie females, who present differently to their male couterparts. Here is a link to her page about Aspie girls and teenagers: taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/.../

I think you are making the right decision in supporting her with refusing a formal diagnosis at present, as she can request one herself later if she wants. But I would encourage her to learn more about herself and how she is different to others. After I read a lot of stuff about autism/aspergers, I decided that I wanted to know not just how my mind worked but how the minds of neurotypical people worked too, so that I could understand them better, and I found the book "A field guide to Earthlings - an autistic/asperger view of neurotypical behaviour" really helpful for this.

I don't know if she is allowed to join this forum yet as she is only 15, but I would suggest it might be a good idea for her to join something like this when she has had time to learn more and process what it means, maybe when she turns 18 if there are age restrictions. There is also a site called Aspie Village which I have joined. I find it reassuring to be able to communicate with others who understand and think the same way - it makes you feel less different.

I wish you and her all the best for the future and I'm on here regularly if you, or she, want to ask me anything.

Pixie

A free laptop is pretty irrelevant in my opinion!

Diagnosis comes as a great relief to many people. Suddenly you can begin to understand why you are different and how you can start to work with what you are rather than trying to be something that you aren't.

The diagnosis can be kept as private as you want to keep it. Nobody needs to know unless they really need to know. Many people (self included) feel the urge to tell the world that we have a diagnosis but very few people are able to do something with this knowledge when you give it to them so there isn't as much point telling people as one might think.

I was diagnosed later in life after gaining three degrees and having held down a succession of jobs. In hindsight I could have had a happier, more settled life if I had known earlier as I would have been better able to work out how to find a good place to fit and how to work with the rest of society rather than repeatedly clattering about with disputes and misunderstandings on a regular basis.

There can be negatives as it feels very odd to have the knowledge that one is labeled and different - one can use it as an excuse rather than an explanation and that is not a good recipe for life.