I hope it's okay to write here.
Well, anyway, I'm 24 years old, an M2F, asexual and aromantic spectrum. And I suspect I may be autistic. All I have is self-diagnosis and confirmation from one therapist that I may be. I tried to work with therapists, but it didn't go well. I just can't talk to those people. There are so many things I keep hidden inside that I simply can't share. Well, okay, not just them, but anyone. In my whole life I really opened up only to one person, my ex.
Now a little background on my and why I think so. Truth is I can pass as non-autistic quite well. No one has ever known me enough to suspect otherwise. And I never show anything to people around. Even family. Nothing at all.
I hardly ever share stuff. Just coming out once was extremely difficult and people terrified me, even though they were okay in the end. I simply lock stuff away. No matter how much it hurts.
I'm rather poor when it comes to express my feelings. I mean, I can do it, but I don't because I ever opened to only one person. I usually just can't do it.
I'm also rather poor at understanding emotions. And it happenes usually that I simply don't get how someone is feeling. I can't imagine it, I have toruble comprehending and make a response. I had some stuff targeted at me and I didn't quite understand, nor could response properly.
I'm rather detached and cold. Or so it seems. I can have a storm inside me, but I won't show any of it.
I'm also missing some emotions. I've never felt friendship. It's foreign to me. I never have seen someone as a friend. I can like someone and stick to them, but never see them as a friend. I have no idea how I would do that. I tried, but nothing ever came.
My empathy could also use some work. There isn't much that can move me with humans and I feel sorry only sometimes and to some degree. It's not completely missing, but it's weak.
I can't even say I want to have people around. I live in my own world and I don't really want to have anything to do with people. I avoid contact whenever I can. You could say I'm antisocial, in a sense that I keep to myself, I'm a total loner. Yet, I know I need help with some things. Like keeping track of appointments and stuff. If I wasn't told I wouldn't do it (I live with my mom). I can't keep track of things. I'm also very forgetful.
In the past I've been called brutally honest and rude. And I sometimes don't understand why. I just say what I think. I don't mean it bad.
I dislike changes and new things, like new places and new people. I like routines. And I don't like them interupted. If I'm to do something I want to know in advance.
I'm not interested in many things. Very few actually. And I like learning about them and various topics, actually. Learning my own way. I thought about going to university, but at the same time I don't like the systems there.
I don't like loud noise and bright light. Sometimes just disliking daylight. And I dislike being touched by... well, anyone. I dislike touching. And things like shaking hands seems so meaningless to me.
Yet sometimes, when I want to know something I'M really obsessive and I don't let go untill I have my answer. It's like a need.
I have depression issues and had for many years now. I've been also self-harming, to the point where I liked the pain.
I don't know if it counts, but instead if answer I often only give noises. I also like to make faces at things.
I took some tests like on psychcentral and scored above where they say that autism is very likely.
Could this be? Is it okay to self-diagnose?
