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Is it okay to self-diagnose?

AceGadget

I hope it's okay to write here.

Well, anyway, I'm 24 years old, an M2F, asexual and aromantic spectrum. And I suspect I may be autistic. All I have is self-diagnosis and confirmation from one therapist that I may be. I tried to work with therapists, but it didn't go well. I just can't talk to those people. There are so many things I keep hidden inside that I simply can't share. Well, okay, not just them, but anyone. In my whole life I really opened up only to one person, my ex.
Now a little background on my and why I think so. Truth is I can pass as non-autistic quite well. No one has ever known me enough to suspect otherwise. And I never show anything to people around. Even family. Nothing at all.
I hardly ever share stuff. Just coming out once was extremely difficult and people terrified me, even though they were okay in the end. I simply lock stuff away. No matter how much it hurts.
I'm rather poor when it comes to express my feelings. I mean, I can do it, but I don't because I ever opened to only one person. I usually just can't do it.
I'm also rather poor at understanding emotions. And it happenes usually that I simply don't get how someone is feeling. I can't imagine it, I have toruble comprehending and make a response. I had some stuff targeted at me and I didn't quite understand, nor could response properly.
I'm rather detached and cold. Or so it seems. I can have a storm inside me, but I won't show any of it.
I'm also missing some emotions. I've never felt friendship. It's foreign to me. I never have seen someone as a friend. I can like someone and stick to them, but never see them as a friend. I have no idea how I would do that. I tried, but nothing ever came.
My empathy could also use some work. There isn't much that can move me with humans and I feel sorry only sometimes and to some degree. It's not completely missing, but it's weak.
I can't even say I want to have people around. I live in my own world and I don't really want to have anything to do with people. I avoid contact whenever I can. You could say I'm antisocial, in a sense that I keep to myself, I'm a total loner. Yet, I know I need help with some things. Like keeping track of appointments and stuff. If I wasn't told I wouldn't do it (I live with my mom). I can't keep track of things. I'm also very forgetful.
In the past I've been called brutally honest and rude. And I sometimes don't understand why. I just say what I think. I don't mean it bad.
I dislike changes and new things, like new places and new people. I like routines. And I don't like them interupted. If I'm to do something I want to know in advance.
I'm not interested in many things. Very few actually. And I like learning about them and various topics, actually. Learning my own way. I thought about going to university, but at the same time I don't like the systems there.
I don't like loud noise and bright light. Sometimes just disliking daylight. And I dislike being touched by... well, anyone. I dislike touching. And things like shaking hands seems so meaningless to me.
Yet sometimes, when I want to know something I'M really obsessive and I don't let go untill I have my answer. It's like a need.
I have depression issues and had for many years now. I've been also self-harming, to the point where I liked the pain.
I don't know if it counts, but instead if answer I often only give noises. I also like to make faces at things.

I took some tests like on psychcentral and scored above where they say that autism is very likely.

Could this be? Is it okay to self-diagnose?

  • Hi Ace Gadget

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  • Songwriter said:

    I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for. Are you on any asexuality forums also, to find more people to talk about through that aspect of your life? I know that AVEN is the big one, but I personally regularly spend time on Acebook as it's a quieter and more close-knit community which I prefer. Acebook was originally a 'dating/close relationship' site, I think.

    I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. I guess we all have to wonder about nature/nurture, in a way. Supposedly autism has roots in genetics, but I have certainly wondered for many years how many of my traits were natural, how many were brought about by my home life and how many by my social experiences. Certainly I was far less in control until I was going through university, which was the first time in my life that I managed to 'fake' being 'normal', which coincided with freedom from immediate family. Perhaps I would not be considering myself anywhere near as high functioning had I not broken away from that.

    I spent years trying to 'work out' how to socialise and how to cope with my space issues and how easily I became overwhelmed, etc. I don't think we can totally go against our 'traits', but with the right support and the right role models we can learn some behaviours. I don't doubt that having your father as a role model won't have helped you. It may not have made anything worse, but it's definitely not going to have helped you to learn those behaviours that come naturally to other people.

    Yes, I'm on AVEN. YOu can find me there under the name Amy Ghost, if you like.

    And on Acebook I as well. DragonCat

    No, it really didn't help. My  mom great, but I still didn't learn any social skills. I prefered to be alone. My brother hated me and my sister ignored me. Also nice. Oh well.

  • I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for. Are you on any asexuality forums also, to find more people to talk about through that aspect of your life? I know that AVEN is the big one, but I personally regularly spend time on Acebook as it's a quieter and more close-knit community which I prefer. Acebook was originally a 'dating/close relationship' site, I think.

    I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. I guess we all have to wonder about nature/nurture, in a way. Supposedly autism has roots in genetics, but I have certainly wondered for many years how many of my traits were natural, how many were brought about by my home life and how many by my social experiences. Certainly I was far less in control until I was going through university, which was the first time in my life that I managed to 'fake' being 'normal', which coincided with freedom from immediate family. Perhaps I would not be considering myself anywhere near as high functioning had I not broken away from that.

    I spent years trying to 'work out' how to socialise and how to cope with my space issues and how easily I became overwhelmed, etc. I don't think we can totally go against our 'traits', but with the right support and the right role models we can learn some behaviours. I don't doubt that having your father as a role model won't have helped you. It may not have made anything worse, but it's definitely not going to have helped you to learn those behaviours that come naturally to other people.

  • Oh, and I also wanted to add, I giess it doesn't help that my father was a hard core narrcisist?

  • Songwriter said:

    Ah, I think I'm too far the other way with the trust. As a child I had no friends and was so used to being bullied that I think I might even have taken harmless comments as offensive. Now I do have the opportunity to build social relationships, but through a combination of knowing that I do mess up regularly with conversation and still having that opinion that everyone is out to hurt me, I am constantly anxious around people that I would consider friends and if I miss an opportunity to socialise or I'm not directly invited, I convince myself that I'm not wanted and I've lost the friends!

    Sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. If you're anything like me you'll find it much easier to talk online, so hopefully we can both stick around here and find people to chat to!

    I'm sure I'll remember your username around the forum. 

    I can't say I went unharmed, but I still can be really naive around people.

    Thank you. Oh well, can't be helped. But at least I'm open to something new. I think I want someone. Not neccessarily romantic, but maybe a QPR.

    Yes, it is easier.

    Thank you again

  • Ah, I think I'm too far the other way with the trust. As a child I had no friends and was so used to being bullied that I think I might even have taken harmless comments as offensive. Now I do have the opportunity to build social relationships, but through a combination of knowing that I do mess up regularly with conversation and still having that opinion that everyone is out to hurt me, I am constantly anxious around people that I would consider friends and if I miss an opportunity to socialise or I'm not directly invited, I convince myself that I'm not wanted and I've lost the friends!

    Sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. If you're anything like me you'll find it much easier to talk online, so hopefully we can both stick around here and find people to chat to!

    I'm sure I'll remember your username around the forum. 

  • I'm also really naive, which isn't helping things. Although I'm weary of people, I can also be really trusting. And I've been burned in the past. Actually, Ie been very naive in my relationship as well. I saw it much better than it was, and him much better than he really was. He'd never sacrifice as much as I was prepare to.

  • Thank you for your answer!

    Yes, I also don't want benefits from the government or anything. I've been only looking for something to better explain myself and this makes perfect sense, together with the tests and stuff I gathered.

    Like I said, I tried to work with therapists in the past, but it really didn't go well. And yes, there are people who need it more.

    I can pass, but I useless in many ways. I don't really know what I want to work as till today. And when Ie been close to getting work I got scared and I called it off. I'm unemployed.

    I don't neccessarily like eye contact, but I can do it well. My conversations, if I have any, are also rushed and self-centric. I get nervous when I speak sometimes, especially with more people, even if it is in a friendly environment, like when we were sitting in  a pub when we've been parting after language school. I can have perfect conversations, but only in my head. In real life it never goes that well. I stutter, rush, then I blush and feel stupid.

    I burned all the bridges I had. I had a problem inly with one, my ex. It's been almost a year and I'm still not fine. It's been a long distance relationship, and maybe I'm being silly, but I got really attached to him and when he broke up with me I was devastated. One of the reasons was that I was ace, and at that time only a small possibility of being an averse/repulsed ace.

    I'm rabling again. Thank you for your answer, it really helped!

  • Hi AceGadget, from another asexual (demiromantic)!

    I'm new here on the site, and newly self-diagnosed, but in my opinion I'm comfortable with self-diagnosis. I am doing fine, I don't want to 'claim' anything financially or support wise if I do have autism, and so there's really not much a label could give me. I do think that it would be nice to be able to say 'I have autism' if I do, rather than 'I think I do' which I worry would sound attention-seeking, but as far as I'm concerned I do and right now that's enough. I could seek a diagnosis, but the process sounds long and drawn out, it sounds like they would expect things I can't provide (I don't speak to anyone that I knew from childhood - I had no friends and I no longer have contact with family), I imagine that it'd be an uncomfortable process where I felt judged and wouldn't be able to communicate why I feel like I have autism, and I also think that the NHS is pressed enough as it is. There are people that NEED a diagnosis far more than I do, and budgets and time are stretched. When there's a boy on this forum (I read today) being quoted a two year wait for a diagnosis that would make a huge difference to his life, there is absolutely no way I would want to be a part of that kind of wait for him.

    Like you I've researched the traits, I've taken tests (including the Ritvo) and I've gathered enough evidence to convince me. Ultimately, going forward in my life I believe that I am and I can use that to better understand my experiences and my own limitations, and THAT is what will make the difference to me, rather than confirmation from people that don't know me like I do.

    Like you, I do think I'm high functioning as far as things go. I'm a bit useless socially but not to the point where 'autism' would be someone's thought. I mess up conversations a lot, I don't make close friends and I'm constantly aware that I'm not smooth with my conversations and that people may well be trying to distance themselves from me, but I have no issues with maintaining eye contact. My conversations are awkward, rushed, stumbly, self-centric and so on, but I get by. I can't handle spontaneous changes to my schedule, so I miss out on opportunities due to that, but I'm learning to control that element of me.

    Most other issues affect only my home life - troubles with organisation and housework, personal space issues, etc, so the only people that need to deal with that are my husband (and eventually my young daughter).

    I think it's absolutely fine to self-diagnose for whatever reasons you choose not to chase a diagnosis. Ultimately, though, if it'll help then you should go for it.

    Here if you want to chat!