Hello everybody,
I am going to apologize in advance for a very long winded post, so I want to thank you for your time.
I have been struggling with life for as long as I can remember but I never had a name for my troubles. I just thought that I was a worthless excuse for a human being. My little brother has ASD so I've always thought I have known what autism look likes. I never knew until recently that it has such varying degrees. Somebody posted a video on facebook one day about autism that I watched and it has changed my perspective greatly.
I am a 31 year old female and to be honest, I have a hard time remembering my childhood. I have a few events that stuck with me, for example, I remember my grandmother putting a bow in my hair for school when I was in the first grade. At one point I reached up to adjust it and upon contact with the bow I vomitted on the floor. To this day I can not stand the touch of velvet or cotton swabs. Scratchy clothing or in general uncomfortable clothing can send me into a very nasty mood quickly. I remember having to look at an item not once, but two times or I thought something bad would happen to me. I had to walk in a specific pattern, 1...2.... and 2...1.. I'm not quite sure why, I just knew that it had to be that way. To this day though, I find myself not being able to only look at something just once. I never really developed any close friends in elementary school, I was regarded as a 'daydreamer' and was in a special needs class for a time. In high school, I had one close friend but we only talked from time to time. I would, strangely enough, migrate from one social group to another every couple of weeks, never really fitting in anywhere or developing bonds.
I first realized that something was really "wrong" with me about 5 years ago. I say wrong because from my perspective at the time, I felt that it was my fault and under my control. I self diagnosed myself as a narcissist because I was emotionally cold and not understanding of peoples feelings and needs. I had a hard time controlling my temper and I was verbally aggressive when I was experiencing what may be a meltdown? I tried very hard to change the way I reacted to different things. I considered talking to a therapist but dismissed it quickly due to the cost.
Some of the things that will cause me to become immediately, almost violently angry are very embarassing when I stand back and look at them with some perspective, but no matter how calm I am...if I hear somebody sniffling, coughing, chewing loudly or making shuffling sounds(moving around on the couch for example) I immediately get very angry. I snap, I completely lose it. I have to completely take myself out of the room to avoid being verbally aggressive and saying not nice things. It is so embarassing that I can't control this. I also get very moody if the house is cluttered or a mess or if things are out of place. I have a problem with cleaning and organizing the house, I'll often move from one project to the next, to the next without completing anything..to the point where I just get frustrated and quit.
I have poor social skills; I'm horrible at eye contact. I can do it but often I am so focused on maintaining eye contact that I don't seem to hear or fully understand what the other person is saying to me. Often, I have to remind myself to smile when I talk to somebody so I'm not so 'robotic'. Most of the time I am quiet and reserved but when I am in a situation where a response is required, I find myself droning on and on and on about useless things or just saying things that do not need to be said to fill the space where a conversation should be taking place. I think I do this because it seems easier to talk rather than know how to respond. Unfortunately this always backfires because I replay those events in my mind over and over and beat myself up for it for weeks afterwards. One of the more embarassing things is that I often times fail at getting jokes. I'm so focused on being serious and nodding my head and trying to look like I'm really into the conversation that a subtle joke or pun goes way over my head.
I lost my best friend from childhood recently due to a miscommunication. I am in the middle of a divorce, my soon to be ex-husband does not think I have any problems other than social anxiety. Our marriage was ended by our inability to communicate. I always seemed to think he was mad at me or upset by something, which apparently wasn't the case. He also has a very social family that I was expected to attend social events with, but I never could. It got the the point where I would throw a fit every time he tried to get me to go that he eventually stopped asking altogether. Being in a room with somebody I know really well is generally okay, but once there are 2+ I can't handle it anymore. I start to get fidgety, agitated and extremely stressed out. I can't seem to follow the conversation well enough to formulate an adequate response. It gets to a certain point where I can't take anymore and then I have to flee. I say flee because when I reach a certain point, I can NOT take any more.
I would be content to stay in my home all day, every day. I do not like talking to people or being touched. My best friend whom I lost recently always gives hugs to everybody but it was understood somewhere long ago that this was not to be the case with me.
Trips to the store are an absolute nightmare, especially when it is a high traffic time. I tend to not go very often, and when I do it is late at night.
My brother and I were raised by our grandparents, and when I brought this up to her she completely would not hear it. That has always been her way though, I've had to fend for myself any problems in life that I've had. I have recently made an appointment with my GP to see about the possibility of getting some help and when I brought this up to my grandmother, she was very condescending to me about it so I am fearful what this may do if they want to speak to her. She would be absolutely no help, in fact she would get them to dismiss me entirely, I'm certain.
Verbal communication in person and on the phone/body language are impossible for me. I always think people are angry/upset or looking down on me.
I'm 'scatterbrained' as my ex-husband used to say. I am very forgetful, I lose my train of thought easily if distracted, my problem solving skills are horrible, which is not good considering the line of work I am in.
Right now, my biggest challenge is work. I've had several jobs in the past 10 years and I've been unable to hold it together. I perform well, but dealing with people on an on-going basis stresses me out to the point where I get overloaded and I just can't take anymore, so I call in sick for a couple days to recouperate. Unfortunately, this only makes things worse as I feel bad for calling in and I feel like everybody hates me and thinks I'm worthless. I worry that I will lose my job because of this. The anxiety stresses me out even more. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried myself to sleep, thinking what a worthless person I am and maybe it would be better to just be gone. I know I probably suffer from depression and anxiety. I have never been treated or seen for anything because I have been embarassed and felt like I should be able to deal with my problems myself.
I have trouble organizing my thoughts, even now I have to keep looking a piece of paper that I've been writing spare thoughts on for the past few weeks. Without it, I probably wouldn't even know why I'm here.
I have very narrowed interests. When I was 13, my grandmother bought me a computer and somebody introduced me to online gaming. From then til now that has been my hobby/area of interest. It has become a routine for me to go to work and then come home and play on the computer. Changing the routine makes me very anxious and can make me very moody.
When I first started this post, I felt very optimistic. I find now that I'm not so sure about any of it. I feel very lost and alone in this world and very unsure of myself. When I first read about Aspergers, it was like a light went on in my head, but I am so unsure about myself that I feel like everything is my fault. Maybe if I can just do better, be a better person things will be alright...but they never are. I tell myself everyday that I'm going to do better but I always fail. I can't seem to stop being who I apparently am. I feel like I may have Asperger's, especially since my brother has ASD but the two people who know me really well(grandmother and ex-husband) both seem to think this is not the case.
I feel very silly for wasting anybodys time, but I am grateful if you hung in there. If anybody could shed some light on my situation, it would mean a great deal to me.
Thank you for your time,
Lavayla
