Questioning Self

Me too, great news, well done. I'll post again when I'm a bit more sober, but for now I just wanted to tell you how pleased I am that you've got this far, and how much I respect the courage that you've shown. I'm especially pleased that you trusted our advice, and it worked.

That list of 'spare thoughts' that you've started - that's brilliant, keep it up and be ready to share it with your assessors. It's OK to edit it and take out stuff you'd rather not tell them, but you can still tell us, because you're anonymous, and we care, so we'll discuss it with you and try our best to give you advice if you're in any way unsure.

I hope we've made you feel at home

That's great news Lavayla. Looking forward to reading more on how things are going for you next year.

No need to apologize, as I probably understood you better than I would understand somebody talking to me verbally.  It is sometimes difficult to interpret meaning online but I find it far more difficult in person.

I had my appointment with my GP today and to be honest, I was very surprised.  I excpected to be swept under the rug and told to suck it up, but he was very understanding and helpful.  I did give him the print off from my original post that you all recommended and he said that it was extremely helpful as he was able to learn more about me from that post than he would have verbally I think, so I thank you all for that idea.  He did keep the papers to put in my file with my permission so hopefully that will help going forward.  I was referred to a psychiatrist and a behavioral health therapist.  I won't be able to see the psychiatrist for probably close to 9 months but I expected that.  I am just so grateful that I have a new path before me instead of the dead end I was at.  Thank you all again, for all your support.  Without it I would not have had the ability to come this far!

Sorry, I expressed that badly, I meant to say how glad I am that our support has helped you, and how much we appreciate your saying so. I could say please don't cry but I want you to cry - with relief and, if not happiness, then perhaps joy, at finding acceptance and a safe refuge with us. We know what that means to you.

Words huh? I am constantly amazed when I try to write what's in my mind and the words come out different on screen. Good job I looked again.

Hi Lavayla, thank you for telling us we're not wasting our time. I can see a future where you're on here, telling new chums that they're not alone...

You are right to think about your next big struggle, but this one you won't be facing alone, we'll be with you all the way.

Thank you all for your support.  It took me awhile to come to grips with the immediate embrace and acceptance that you all have given me.  I am so used to being swept under the rug and put down whenever I voiced my problems that I've come to expect that kind of treatment.  The understanding and support that you have shown me brought me emotionally to my knees.  To recognize that I am not alone in this world has given me the strength to start the process of picking myself up again.  I think I have finally found where I belong, with or without a diagnosis, and just knowing that will help me better understand myself moving on into the future.  I know that one struggle is over and now a new one is beginning, but at least with this struggle comes the accceptance of ones self.  If I can learn to better know myself and why I think the way I do, then maybe I can come up with strategies to cope.  Thank you, from the whole of my heart, for your kind words and support, it has changed the world for me to know that I am not alone.

This excuse from GPs, usually aimed at women, is simply unacceptable. I get fed up of reading about people's doctors telling them that they can't be AS, or put forward for diagnosis, because they 'manage so well'. Presumably that's why you're once again in front of your GP being overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, hoplessness etc.

Coping is NOT understanding, it's 'getting by'. There still remians the question 'why does this keep happening to me, am I crazy or what?' Understanding ourselves starts with knowing who we are, and in my opinion is one of the compelling reasons for a proper assessment.

Insist, plead, beg, anything, assessment it is just as much your right as asking for a second opinion.

Technophobe23  My GP did refer me to a psychiatrist earlier in the year to discuss medication. I will try talking to him instead.  I was placed in Cognitive Behavioual Therapies twice this year. It did help (slightly) with the anxiety but it did not help with relating to others. I think you are right about my GP. I thought she was a good GP but can now see that I am the one doing the work.  I will try going back to the psychiatrist.

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

Lily - can you see a different GP? The one you've been seeing sounds useless. I'm sure others on here will know the situation far better than I, but I have the notion that a second opinion is a patient's right.

Reading your post helps me to feel less alone. I have always thought I was different from my friends and most of my family except my older brother - who I am sure is undiagnosed aspbergers.  I am also undiagnosed. My GP will not refer me because she says I have been getting along and it is too expensive. She says I have to ask a charity. I don't understand what she means.  I don't know what to do about it.

I have never been able to keep a job because I have never really understood what people meant or how I was expected to behave. I only focused on the tasks I was given. I don't enjoy spending time with friends and family. I don't feel empathy like they do. I don't know when people are joking or being sarcastic so people say that I am gullible which makes me angry as I feel they think I am stupid and I am not.

I have been managing by acting. I copy behaviours I have seen in films or TV programmes. I have been doing this for many years and I have become very good at it.  I have battled with anxiety over the years as I am not able to maintain 'acting'.  My GP now prescribes anxiety medication which makes me sleepy. I am angry, frustrated and on edge when I spend time with people. I don't like talking to them. I don't like looking in their eyes. When I do , I time how long I maintain contact to appear natural. The entire ordeal makes me angy, frustrated and tired. 

Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. I feel less alone. I am trying to find other help besides my GP.

Regards,

Lily

I know exactly what you mean Lavayla. Like Classic Codger, you could have been describing me. I know very well the feelings of uselessness, of just being crap at life etc. Discovering Asperger's and reading about it - and recognising its descriptions of me in everything I;ve read - has made a lot of difference to me.  We are not useless, we are simply different. We see the world through a different filter (often a sharper and more accurate one, I think). We aren't on the same wavelength as 'normal' people, and in a world where normal is, by definition, normal, we feel out of place.

Please don't give up. You will find happiness. Please get proper help from professionals and take no notice of what your ex-husband and your grandmother say.

Hi Lavayla

Further to the above; please visit your GP, especially as, at least in what you have written, it appears you may be generally unhappy/depressed. As a first step, it would be a good idea to communicate this to your GP as well as any other concerns regarding any other distress you feel you are experiencing.

You are not obligated to tell your grandmother that a meeting between yourself and your GP has taken/will take place at this stage.

Following speaking to your GP, you may be forwarded to a psychiatrist/mental health professional for assessment. Personally, I have a great deal of difficulty expressing my emotional state, feelings or thoughts verbally. If this is the case with yourself, I would suggest, as a minimum, taking a print-out of what you have written in your original posting and presenting it to them directly (alternatively, you create a letter of some form detailing this and any additional details which you feel would best convey your current emotional state and situation in general and present this instead).

Overall; your life is worth living, you are not a failure for asking for any kind of help (a common prosody is; “You’d see a doctor if you couldn’t go to work or do what you wanted/needed because your arm hurt, so why not now?”).

I wish you all the best in your attempt to find yourself.

Hi Lavayla, and welcome to the family. You are very much NOT alone, everything you describe here is a perfect fit - I could have written exactly the same about me -  so either it's true, or you're a talented and imaginative writer.

The difficulties you describe are the very things that torture so many of us. The constant 'failures' (jobs, relationships, getting people to take you seriously...) are a common theme, and there is always the confusion of not understanding how it is that you're alone and isolated in a busy world.

You really don't have to apologise for a long post, any more than you have to apologise for being you. Far from it, we are always glad to hear from someone who needs, desperately, to find welcome, understanding and the help and support that only AS people can give to each other. We don't just 'understand' you, we know you, we are you.

The 'wrongness' that you feel is about how we feel that we are on the wrong planet. We often talk about how much better off we are when we don't have to interact with them. You're not wrong, you're different.

So, you need to get a diagnosis. The post that you've put up here would be an excellent thing to show to your doctor. As you have discovered, it's called a 'spectrum' because the range of difficulties and effects are so wide. We don't think that any ywo AS people are identical, we share a common set of difficulties but we are also all individuals and the subtleties of how we are affected by the condition depend very much on our individual circumstances.

You need to put yourself forward for a proper diagnosis. You must absolutely reject anything that your family or ex have to say, those comments you report are typical of their kind, and are merely based on ignorance, the same ignorance that causes us to be easy targets for bullies. You can't blame them for saying those things, but you can certainly hold them responsible for not bothering to listen to you, keep an open mind, and default to their harsh and totally unfair comments. Remember, it takes a well-trained professional to assess you properly.

You have not wasted our time, you have given us the opportunity to embrace a new chum, and for that I thank you very much.

You are anonymous on here and you are SAFE to talk to us about anything. You certainly aren't being 'silly', you're being very brave and sensible to do this.

Welcome again, don't be afraid to join in - there's nothing to be afraid of