• Replies 3 replies
  • Subscribers 25 subscribers
  • Views 1126 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Can elements be 'fixed'

butty438

Hi all,

My son and I had a meltdown recently and although it wasn't pleasant by a long shot, it made me as a parent with a newly diagnosed child who has Aspergers re-evaluate life slightly.

On discussing this meltdown with my ex wife (his mum) I have said that maybe both he and I need to go for professional help to try and solve specific problems.  At this point she laughed at me as she mis-understood what I meant.

At no point am I thinking they can 'fix' Aspergers but can certain traits within be stopped or is it my responsibility as a parent to work round them?  To try and put this into context, my son plans things to the n'th degree and goes into a mini meltdown if even one of a hundred things doesn't go the way he planned it.

What I suggested was some form of help/assistance/therapy to try and make him realise it isn't the end of the world.  She told me it can never be fixed and we have to get used to it - is she correct?

I hope I have made myself clear and please, I am a newby to this so if I have said anything to offend anyone , it genuinely isn't my intent.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi Butty438

    Your story makes me wonder whether you are on the spectrum too? You have a son with the condition - it is freqquently genetic in orgigin, and you have experienced problems communicating with your ex. Also, undiagnosed aspies are more likely to get divorced apparently.

  • Hi there butty438.  This is an interesting topic and I agree with what longman has said - it's important to understand and acknowledge the difficulties that your son is experiencing while knowing that there definitely are things that can help him.

    It sounds to me like your ex-wife might currently be focussing on ensuring that your son is loved/accepted as he is and his problems acknowledged and this is certainly very important.  I grew up without diagnosis and was constantly told off for my differences.  While this was absolutely no-one's fault (awareness of autism just wasn't there 30yrs ago) I believed that I was to blame for my problems and this had a huge negative impact on my confidence and mental health as a child and young adult.  On the other hand, it could be equally damaging to go too far down this route i.e. perceiving the difficulties your son faces not as challenges but as limitations or, worse still, excuses - this could hinder him from reaching his full potential.

    You mentioned that your son's diagnosis is recent and I wonder if your ex-wife might be feeling overwhelmed or a bit down at the moment as she comes to terms with this and this might have caused her to make the comments she did.  There will always be things that your son is going to find more difficult than other people but there are coping strategies that he can learn to make life easier. The way I see it everyone has something that makes their life that little bit more difficult anyway - this could be a physical disability, shyness, difficult family background etc etc - and we find ways to cope and achieve in life in spite of it.  This is the attitude I have chosen to adopt to my autism anyway and I have found it very helpful.

    In terms of knowing what specifically to do to help your son, I would advise to find out as much as you can about Aspergers/autism and also get to know the specific problems he has as an individual.  You can then pinpoint particular issues e.g. anxiety and then research ways to deal with them.  You can find answers on forums like this one, other websites and the NAS also sell a range of books that you may find useful.

    Good luck and I hope this helps you.

  • Meltdowns reflect high levels of distress and confusion, hardly surprising given that social interfacing skills make it difficult to resolve misunderstandings or confusions, and there are plenty of negatives flying around.

    I think a comparison can be made with anyone having a bad day, when everything seems to go wrong, until eventually something maybe quite insignificant becomes the last straw, and you have an outburst of anger.

    For someone on the spectrum however, there are a lot of bad days, you are near explosion point most of the time, so outbursts occur often, perceived as meltdowns.

    You cannot stop the phenomenon occurring. Nor is it necessarily productive to look for immediate triggers - as they are more likely to be just "last straws".

    You can sometimes help to reduce the pressure build up by alleviating some of the anxieties and issues that wont resolve. That depends on how willing he is to explain these, or is even able to explain (or may not be able to talk anyway).

    Sometimes just identifying what is worrying him, and giving him some means to alleviate these worries, could make a difference by reducing the background distress. Also look at sensory issues that may build up stress (noisy shopping environments like supermarkets are notorious for this, or household noises - hoovers, washing machines on spin, electric drills) and see if you can reduce their impact.

    Autism isn't curable and it is there for life, not just for childhood. It varies greatly from one individual to another. Sometimes the manifestations can be so overwhelming that it cannot hope to get easier, but in others there are ways of adapting and adjusting around the difficulties.

    So wile your ex wife is right in saying it can never be fixed, you have to look at your son as an individual and hope that maybe some things will work out better, and indeed in some respects the disability bestows favours. Be optimistic but realistic. Read the About Autism sections of the NAS website, and read up on it in books.