• Replies 5 replies
  • Subscribers 25 subscribers
  • Views 1446 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Hi! I would like to hear your thoughts.

iamjay

Hi

I'm 23 years old

About 2 years ago i found about aspergers/autism, and started to identify with lot it's

traits. I got the assesment from my GP, but for know, as they said to me, I'm in "The Waiting game", i have to wait for their call or letter, and currently i've been waiting for almost 5 months with no update ( except when i call the referral service, they say that the will update me tommorow, and then they dont, when i call again there has been no progress etc.)

I don't know how to talk to people, only friends i have are people who have started a conversation with me and considered me "friendly", since apparently i am somewhat of a weirdo in an unexplainable way. When someone calls me "weird" and i ask "why do yout think so?" they would just smirk and say "well...you know?" never being able to explain. People ask me how am i, and wether i'm nervous or confused, because i won't sit still, if im standing - i walking around, if i'm sitting i tend to cradle, or just change positions a lot, making everyone think that im being nervous. When i was a kid parents usually told me to calm down all the time, when i was seated, cause i would be swinging my legs rapidly or making something out of objects around me (like, when in  restaurant, i would take napkins and toothpicks and build things etc.). Also i always liked cinema and music, but mostly from 50s - 80s, since i was about 13, i started loosing interest in what was going on now and until this day i can talk about a movies that's decades old, without having anything to say about what's happening now. Lot of times people say that i've already said what i'm saying and that i'm being too obsessive about the subject. 

Now I'm 23 years old, year ago me and my girlfriend, who was the only person i could talk to without being called "weirdo", got seperated, and i haven't been able to talk to anyone since everyone seem so distant from me as i'm am from them.

I'm working as a night porter at a pub/hotel- a job that requires minimal interaction with others, yet when i does, it seems that i'm unable to communicate with customers or co - workers, cause i always look worried and i'm either not looking them in their eyes, or trying to avoid intense staring, which usually makes me loose my thought and turn my speech into mumbling. Or people just keep telling me to "calm down" and I'm either saying something random or not being able to figure out what to say at all.

For more than a year i've been around people that i either live with or work with, not being able to relate to any of them or share my interests, because no one is interested in them. I've become almost inactive and currently seeking a therapist, although among people i know most of them thinks that depression isn't a real condition just weakness, which makes me question myself everyday. I've become plagued by suicidal thoughts almost everyday, which is scary and pretty exausting, since i don't feel comfortable telling it to anyone, since sometimes i don't want to keep on living, but i do want to want to keep on living, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i have to lock myself in a bathroom to avoid anyone seeing my crying and "shaking", because sometimes in presence of other people it seems that walls are closing in on me, i'm loosing my breath they're all talking and im trying to keep my face straight and "bounce" into the conversation. I can either make people laugh with what i'm saying or make them look at me oddly and turn away to continue their conversation. I feel isolated and i've lost all my interests and self esteem. I staring at the wall until i pass out, when i'm asleep often i'm having very vivid nightmares, and when i wake up my head is already so full of thoughts that i can't manage to figure out my next step. I still keep going, but i can't tell my own future and how long will i be able to cope with myself. And it's very humiliating.

To not keep writing any longer.

Has anyone with aspergers ever had similiar feelings or does it sound familiar. 

Im currently just looking for people to relate since i'm still waiting for any update on my appointment and sometimes i can barely cope with myself and not having anyone that i can share my thoughts with.

Hopefully this is readable

Thank you

And thanks for your thoughts on this.

Cheers

Parents

  • Thank you for your thoughts

    Snapping fingers already is one of my methods :)  

    I'm not necessarily concentrating on the negative aspects of everything,  negativity just seem to arise at the end of every thought as a logical conclusion.  If I'm thinking about a train then next thought will be a bout the railway,  people on the train and then me being out of place  on the train,  or being off the train never meeting those people, then why I'm even thinking of a train or people or position in the situation,  since it's only in my head,  then why I don't concentrate on life around me and so on and so on,  and when I snap out of it,  time has passed I've been sitting somewhere,  either alone or with people around me,  just can't seem to live outside my head since my head is always with me. 


    Already ordered one of the books you recommended,  thanks for the recommendations. 

    I've already done every online test I could find,  scored high on every of them (40 on the aqtest) ,  still,  as it's said,  they're not enough for diagnosis. So it's still pretty confusing to me. 

    I Know that I'm only 23, yet I've never really been able to be "outside"  of my head And "I don't know"  have been the most common answer to questions about what I'm willing to do with my life or how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling sad or happy. Both of my parents and grandparents found their way in life early on,  got educated,  settled down,  and I seem to be the only who's just existing somewhere without knowing my purpose,  uneducated and not social or determined about my future.   I don't want to get the diagnosis just to be labeled or just to have something.  It's just when I first found about autism/aspergers,  it described a lot of things I wasn't able to describe about myself. 

    I'll definately read those books you suggested and thank you for your reply :)  

    Cheers

Reply

  • Thank you for your thoughts

    Snapping fingers already is one of my methods :)  

    I'm not necessarily concentrating on the negative aspects of everything,  negativity just seem to arise at the end of every thought as a logical conclusion.  If I'm thinking about a train then next thought will be a bout the railway,  people on the train and then me being out of place  on the train,  or being off the train never meeting those people, then why I'm even thinking of a train or people or position in the situation,  since it's only in my head,  then why I don't concentrate on life around me and so on and so on,  and when I snap out of it,  time has passed I've been sitting somewhere,  either alone or with people around me,  just can't seem to live outside my head since my head is always with me. 


    Already ordered one of the books you recommended,  thanks for the recommendations. 

    I've already done every online test I could find,  scored high on every of them (40 on the aqtest) ,  still,  as it's said,  they're not enough for diagnosis. So it's still pretty confusing to me. 

    I Know that I'm only 23, yet I've never really been able to be "outside"  of my head And "I don't know"  have been the most common answer to questions about what I'm willing to do with my life or how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling sad or happy. Both of my parents and grandparents found their way in life early on,  got educated,  settled down,  and I seem to be the only who's just existing somewhere without knowing my purpose,  uneducated and not social or determined about my future.   I don't want to get the diagnosis just to be labeled or just to have something.  It's just when I first found about autism/aspergers,  it described a lot of things I wasn't able to describe about myself. 

    I'll definately read those books you suggested and thank you for your reply :)  

    Cheers

Children
No Data