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Hi! I would like to hear your thoughts.

iamjay

Hi

I'm 23 years old

About 2 years ago i found about aspergers/autism, and started to identify with lot it's

traits. I got the assesment from my GP, but for know, as they said to me, I'm in "The Waiting game", i have to wait for their call or letter, and currently i've been waiting for almost 5 months with no update ( except when i call the referral service, they say that the will update me tommorow, and then they dont, when i call again there has been no progress etc.)

I don't know how to talk to people, only friends i have are people who have started a conversation with me and considered me "friendly", since apparently i am somewhat of a weirdo in an unexplainable way. When someone calls me "weird" and i ask "why do yout think so?" they would just smirk and say "well...you know?" never being able to explain. People ask me how am i, and wether i'm nervous or confused, because i won't sit still, if im standing - i walking around, if i'm sitting i tend to cradle, or just change positions a lot, making everyone think that im being nervous. When i was a kid parents usually told me to calm down all the time, when i was seated, cause i would be swinging my legs rapidly or making something out of objects around me (like, when in  restaurant, i would take napkins and toothpicks and build things etc.). Also i always liked cinema and music, but mostly from 50s - 80s, since i was about 13, i started loosing interest in what was going on now and until this day i can talk about a movies that's decades old, without having anything to say about what's happening now. Lot of times people say that i've already said what i'm saying and that i'm being too obsessive about the subject. 

Now I'm 23 years old, year ago me and my girlfriend, who was the only person i could talk to without being called "weirdo", got seperated, and i haven't been able to talk to anyone since everyone seem so distant from me as i'm am from them.

I'm working as a night porter at a pub/hotel- a job that requires minimal interaction with others, yet when i does, it seems that i'm unable to communicate with customers or co - workers, cause i always look worried and i'm either not looking them in their eyes, or trying to avoid intense staring, which usually makes me loose my thought and turn my speech into mumbling. Or people just keep telling me to "calm down" and I'm either saying something random or not being able to figure out what to say at all.

For more than a year i've been around people that i either live with or work with, not being able to relate to any of them or share my interests, because no one is interested in them. I've become almost inactive and currently seeking a therapist, although among people i know most of them thinks that depression isn't a real condition just weakness, which makes me question myself everyday. I've become plagued by suicidal thoughts almost everyday, which is scary and pretty exausting, since i don't feel comfortable telling it to anyone, since sometimes i don't want to keep on living, but i do want to want to keep on living, if that makes sense.

Sometimes i have to lock myself in a bathroom to avoid anyone seeing my crying and "shaking", because sometimes in presence of other people it seems that walls are closing in on me, i'm loosing my breath they're all talking and im trying to keep my face straight and "bounce" into the conversation. I can either make people laugh with what i'm saying or make them look at me oddly and turn away to continue their conversation. I feel isolated and i've lost all my interests and self esteem. I staring at the wall until i pass out, when i'm asleep often i'm having very vivid nightmares, and when i wake up my head is already so full of thoughts that i can't manage to figure out my next step. I still keep going, but i can't tell my own future and how long will i be able to cope with myself. And it's very humiliating.

To not keep writing any longer.

Has anyone with aspergers ever had similiar feelings or does it sound familiar. 

Im currently just looking for people to relate since i'm still waiting for any update on my appointment and sometimes i can barely cope with myself and not having anyone that i can share my thoughts with.

Hopefully this is readable

Thank you

And thanks for your thoughts on this.

Cheers

  • Thanks for the reply

    I've already done a lot of reading,  so I'm just waiting to get professionals take on this

    Thank you 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi,

    We can't confirm a diagnosis but your experience is fairly normal for someone with undiagnosed Aspergers. With a diagnosis and some assistance however the future can be much brighter. The AQtest score is also not a diagnosis but it is the score that you would get if you had aspergers.

    As longman says, there is lots to read and I think the message is that there are things to learn that will help get you over the anxiety and social problems that you describe.

    I think that you will find lots of stories on the forum that ring bells with your own experience. 

  • Thank you for your thoughts

    Snapping fingers already is one of my methods :)  

    I'm not necessarily concentrating on the negative aspects of everything,  negativity just seem to arise at the end of every thought as a logical conclusion.  If I'm thinking about a train then next thought will be a bout the railway,  people on the train and then me being out of place  on the train,  or being off the train never meeting those people, then why I'm even thinking of a train or people or position in the situation,  since it's only in my head,  then why I don't concentrate on life around me and so on and so on,  and when I snap out of it,  time has passed I've been sitting somewhere,  either alone or with people around me,  just can't seem to live outside my head since my head is always with me. 


    Already ordered one of the books you recommended,  thanks for the recommendations. 

    I've already done every online test I could find,  scored high on every of them (40 on the aqtest) ,  still,  as it's said,  they're not enough for diagnosis. So it's still pretty confusing to me. 

    I Know that I'm only 23, yet I've never really been able to be "outside"  of my head And "I don't know"  have been the most common answer to questions about what I'm willing to do with my life or how I'm feeling or why I'm feeling sad or happy. Both of my parents and grandparents found their way in life early on,  got educated,  settled down,  and I seem to be the only who's just existing somewhere without knowing my purpose,  uneducated and not social or determined about my future.   I don't want to get the diagnosis just to be labeled or just to have something.  It's just when I first found about autism/aspergers,  it described a lot of things I wasn't able to describe about myself. 

    I'll definately read those books you suggested and thank you for your reply :)  

    Cheers

  • Incidentally, I didn't use the phrase "calm down" in all of the above, and I'm not saying it here.

    It is unlikely with all that's going through your head you would be able to calm down.

    Re-reading your posting though I realised I needed to mention it. 'Calm down' is one of those useless phrases like "cheer up" and "it may never happen" and "its not the end of the world" and worse things happen etc etc.

    It's one of those platitudes people come out with. For one thing it implies you were agitated or alarmed to start with - and probably their use of the phrase is because they find you unsettling, not because you actually need to calm down.

    "Cheer up" is my favourite. Like if you're feeling down you want someone suggesting you look like you need cheering up. Thanks mate.....

    I'm definitely not suggesting calm down.What I am suggesting is try to get your head round it - if you know what I mean....

  • You seem to be analysing things a great deal - not surprising from what you say, but if I may venture to suggest, is not helping you sort things out.

    People on the spectrum tend to worry a lot, not that that is exclusive or definitive. But if you are not getting the opportunity for social interchange, you don't have the options many people have to discuss life experiences and get a perspective over time.

    Spiralling anxiety, negative thoughts, exploring every possible outcome is something that fuels itself. If you can try to break out of it - I'm not at all suggesting it is easy - just try to stop thinking negatively. You'll probably just manage to break the flow of thought for a few minutes before it starts again, but just doing it often enough will help in time. Something simple like snapping your finger (ie flick of forefinger against thumb) or flicking your ear lobe hard enough to feel it, just cuts the train of thought.

    Try to write things down as much as possible. Carry a small notebook and write down what's bothering you so it is not in your head all the time, and you know it is written down somewhere.

    It does take a long time to get a diagnosis, and it varies from one local authority to another. So be prepared for it to take a long time.

    You can explore the possibility yourself. There is something termed the AQ test, which you should be able to access searching the NAS website. It can give you some idea of whether and to what degree you fit an autism/asperger profile. You can also get a book - perhaps from the library or buy one - that explains autism/aspergers, and explore whether any of it fits in with your experiences. It varies a lot between individuals, so no one person is alike in their experiences of it, and you might find most descriptions well adrift of your own experiences but you still match some of the pattern.

    There are biographies. John  Elder Robison's "Look me in the Eye - my life with Aspergers" is a good one from an American perspective, fairly positive and up beat. For a UK life try Marc Fleisher "Making Sense of the Unfeasible" Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2003.

    Bear in mind there are other conditions that might account for your difficulties. The diagnosis uses something called the Triad of Impairments (see NAS Website - About Autism - What is Autism  & What is Aspergers), which looks for indicators that aren't duplicated in other conditions - the AQ test I mention above tests for the Triad of Impairments. But things like eye contact, social isolation, sensory discomfort are confusable with other conditions and are not part of the triad. Another condition that does overlap a lot is Dyspraxia, which is mainly about coordination but has social impacts.

    Finally remind yourself, at 23 you haven't been around a long time yet. If that sounds funny or patronising, it is not my intention, but time seems more pressing when young. The older you get this wears off a lot. What I'm saying is that the pressure and anxiety has plenty of time to resolve itself, and things don't need to be as immediate as they might seem now. It may be hard for you to take in what is good advice - give it time, don't rush, don't panic.

    Good luck.