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What could be wrong with me?

Laddo

Firstly, I'm just going to say that I don't think that this is an alternative to seeing a doctor or psychiatrist. I just want some advice.

Along with Asperger's and ADHD, I have suffered from depression and anxiety since early childhood. Now I am beginning to think there is even more going on in my head. I have very frequent mood swings where a very good mood could be totally ruined at the slightest thing. In fact, my mood only seems to get really low following a really high point. The past three years in a row, I have gone through a crippling period of extreme anxiety, social phobia and depression around April which will last until June or July. During these episodes, I try to reach out to all those closest to me for help but it never feels enough to me and I begin to lash out at them. I always regret it afterwards - it's like I become a different person when I melt down. Most of the time the advice is no more than 'Things will get better' etc which is pretty useless advice but I know they are just trying to help. I will also be chronically unmotivated with tiny bouts (usually when I'm trying to sleep) of feeling very motivated.

So many different diagnoses seem to fit what I'm going through - sometimes I think I might be bipolar, sometimes borderline, sometimes PTSD with repressed memories - but whenever I express these concerns with a doctor, I ALWAYS get the usual 'Oh, I'm sure you're just depressed. Let's put you on some anti-depressants and see if they work. Don't be too alarmed if they make you want to kill yourself'. I never get referred for counselling. As well as this, when I'm going through an episode of social phobia, the last thing I want to do is have to keep making endless appointments with my GP just to be put on another type of anti-depressant. I hate doctor's surgeries, can't stand sitting in the waiting room. It always feels like the other patients are staring, which then makes my social anxiety worse and by the time I get to actually see the doctor (usually at least 15 minutes later than my appointment time which makes me even more nervous) I am in full fight-or-flight mode and want to get out of there as soon as possible, which in turn leads me to completely forget most of what I wanted to say to my doctor. It's an endless cycle and it's really bringing me down. Five years ago I was pretty happy. Now I'm just a mess of emotion.

Any suggestions as to what could be wrong with me, then? Any tips to be taken more seriously by the doctor?

Parents

  • Certain times of year are bad if you are socially isolated, such as through being on the autistic spectrum. Christmas is one, because it is get together time, loaded with commercial festive cheer, and tends to make you feel left outside.

    Spring is another bad time. It is partly the warm up after winter, with leaves on the trees and flowers and colour, but that is also a social stimulus, particularly thoughts of forming relationships. Hormonal/sexual stimuli rocket in spring, possibly because cold wet weather makes people less so inclined. So the rebirth at Spring sets NTs off.

    So I'm not at all surprised you have a low from April to July. I suspect bipolar would have more frequent peaks and troughs.

    I'm very lucky - I only get lows for a few weeks, which is a timescale I can "see to the other side of", and find activities to try to alleviate the impact, like treating myself more often. But I can imagine it is much harder if you have depressions lasting months.

    The GP situation as regards autism and people suffering from depression is dire. I cannot conceive that GPs think their behaviour is professional. Some of them to my mind or borderline criminal. Certainly professionally negligent and irresponsible.

    I think meltdown propensity can be alleviated by removing resolvable stress sources. I do regular clear outs. Some things that get me down are resolvable if I get down to doing something about it, or seek advice. That way I can reduce the "pile up" effect when things are getting bad.

    This post traumatic stress thing may be very valid. What happened to me as a child, teenager and in early adulthood continued as very burdensome and constantly resurfacing "baggage" into my fifties, and only really cleared up after diagnosis. But unfortunately health professionals show little understanding of this, and I cannot see NAS "getting its finger out" on so many aspects of adult autism.

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  • Certain times of year are bad if you are socially isolated, such as through being on the autistic spectrum. Christmas is one, because it is get together time, loaded with commercial festive cheer, and tends to make you feel left outside.

    Spring is another bad time. It is partly the warm up after winter, with leaves on the trees and flowers and colour, but that is also a social stimulus, particularly thoughts of forming relationships. Hormonal/sexual stimuli rocket in spring, possibly because cold wet weather makes people less so inclined. So the rebirth at Spring sets NTs off.

    So I'm not at all surprised you have a low from April to July. I suspect bipolar would have more frequent peaks and troughs.

    I'm very lucky - I only get lows for a few weeks, which is a timescale I can "see to the other side of", and find activities to try to alleviate the impact, like treating myself more often. But I can imagine it is much harder if you have depressions lasting months.

    The GP situation as regards autism and people suffering from depression is dire. I cannot conceive that GPs think their behaviour is professional. Some of them to my mind or borderline criminal. Certainly professionally negligent and irresponsible.

    I think meltdown propensity can be alleviated by removing resolvable stress sources. I do regular clear outs. Some things that get me down are resolvable if I get down to doing something about it, or seek advice. That way I can reduce the "pile up" effect when things are getting bad.

    This post traumatic stress thing may be very valid. What happened to me as a child, teenager and in early adulthood continued as very burdensome and constantly resurfacing "baggage" into my fifties, and only really cleared up after diagnosis. But unfortunately health professionals show little understanding of this, and I cannot see NAS "getting its finger out" on so many aspects of adult autism.

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