I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember and no meds have ever worked. I'm seriously beginning to wonder whether I have a form of autism or am just one of life's weirdos.
I am generally fine(ish) speaking to one or two people, but even then struggle to make conversation as I find I ask questions but get none asked back. However, put me in any kind of group setting and I feel like a caged bird, desperate to escape. I will always be the one left standing alone in a corner.
If I offer an opinion or suggestion people either ignore me (and later offer the same suggestion themselves) or look at me as if I'm speaking a foreign language. I never seem to have the same thoughts or views as other people, I find it very hard to think of ideas to contribute and it's as if my brain just doesn't function like theirs. I prefer to do everything by myself and don't want or need others.
People claim to struggle with things that I find easy and vice versa. My IQ was tested at 134, so I'm not a stupid person, but I've always been described as "odd" and "independent". I am not remotely close to any of my family and have always found it nearly impossible to express love or affection. I seem to have little in common with the human race in general.
I think I'm always very polite and go out of my way not to offend people, but am told I can be abrupt or rude. I tell the truth always and people seem to dislike that. I get very annoyed if someone moves what's mine and irritated as hell by poor spelling or things not being done properly (pedantic). I have a poor sense of smell and am not receptive to touch but I don't think I have an obsession with numbers or patterns.
Other than two people I write to occasionally I have absolutely no friends and while those I work with are pleasant enough they've never suggested doing anything outside of work. I absolutely hate speaking on the phone and think of myself as a writer, not a talker. I am very much a "details" person.
I did a test on the Psych Central website and got a score of 38, which indicated autism, but at the age of 42 I can't determine whether life's just made me into a total weirdo or if there is really something other than depression at the heart of it. I feel that if I go to the doctor he'll dismiss how I feel because people don't like me telling them a different opinion.
Does any of this sound like I could be autistic or resonate with anyone else?
