sorry if in wrong section - does anyone else feel this way?

I often have the same thoughts. On one level the Asperger diagnosis fits 100%, but I have improved quite a lot over the years and can appear 'neurotypical' to such an extent that I fool myself!. I don't speak in the classic monotone, have mastered basic gestures, and I do have an interest in other people and like to ask them plenty of questions. I also have the ability to be tactful and refrain from saying what I really think to people when out in public - with my family, though, I am not so tactful!. But all of this has been learnt and stems from a basic need to fit in and be accepted, and it does not all come naturally to me; although my empathy and genuine ability to care has developed enormously over the years.

The other side of the coin, though, is that I am still very self-focused and egocentric in the way I have to be in control of social situations. I can renounce that control for a while, and try and refrain from directing the social conversation too much when I am in certain situations, but I do find it hard to maintain concentration. My mind invariably turns inward, meaning that I have to employ a lot of effort just to stay socially tuned, and this is tiring after a while. Because I have to consciously direct myself and therefore get tired, I am all too aware of the potential for social lapses, and so I am always on edge. The exception to this is when I am with people I feel really comfortable with, such as my key worker and parents, particularly the latter. I can talk about my interests at length, direct the conversation by asking lots of detail based questions, and am not so conscious about hiding my Asperger's.

Because I have developed so much, I do sometimes feel as though I have my foot in both camps, and this can be a good thing. I am very against tribalism and the Asperger's aganst Neurotypical mentality that some with people with AS have. But I am also aware of my difference, and this can make me feel exluded and 'other', which can be alienating.

I often have the same thoughts. On one level the Asperger diagnosis fits 100%, but I have improved quite a lot over the years and can appear 'neurotypical' to such an extent that I fool myself!. I don't speak in the classic monotone, have mastered basic gestures, and I do have an interest in other people and like to ask them plenty of questions. I also have the ability to be tactful and refrain from saying what I really think to people when out in public - with my family, though, I am not so tactful!. But all of this has been learnt and stems from a basic need to fit in and be accepted, and it does not all come naturally to me; although my empathy and genuine ability to care has developed enormously over the years.

The other side of the coin, though, is that I am still very self-focused and egocentric in the way I have to be in control of social situations. I can renounce that control for a while, and try and refrain from directing the social conversation too much when I am in certain situations, but I do find it hard to maintain concentration. My mind invariably turns inward, meaning that I have to employ a lot of effort just to stay socially tuned, and this is tiring after a while. Because I have to consciously direct myself and therefore get tired, I am all too aware of the potential for social lapses, and so I am always on edge. The exception to this is when I am with people I feel really comfortable with, such as my key worker and parents, particularly the latter. I can talk about my interests at length, direct the conversation by asking lots of detail based questions, and am not so conscious about hiding my Asperger's.

Because I have developed so much, I do sometimes feel as though I have my foot in both camps, and this can be a good thing. I am very against tribalism and the Asperger's aganst Neurotypical mentality that some with people with AS have. But I am also aware of my difference, and this can make me feel exluded and 'other', which can be alienating.