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Autistic parents, how do you know if you will cope with a second child?

Piki86

So my husband and I have a 4.5 year old. She is wonderful, but as an autistic mum I fairly regularly get overwhelmed. Being called Mama 5 million times in 5 minutes, or her not listening, me not having a second to breathe when she's home, the constant mess in the house, or both my husband and her trying to talk to me at the same time... Whatever it is that's completely normal and age appropriate behaviour can send me over the edge. I'm fine most of the time, but getting overwhelmed can happen very quickly. There is also the never ending mental load, which isn't in itself specific to being autistic, but I think being autistic makes the mental load even more stressful.

Anyway we are thinking about whether or not to have a second child, and as I'm approaching 40, the clock really is ticking. It's a now or never kind of thing, which in itself isn't helpful when trying to make that big of a decision. My main concern is whether I will be able to manage a 4th person in our family, from a mental perspective. I feel like I won't know unless I try, but if I try and it's too much for me, well, there's not much I can do about it then. So I just wanted to see if any other autistic mums, or autistic parents, had the same concern, and how they found it having that second child. I feel like there is already a lot going on, our daughter is now going to school so there are periods when I can "reset" and I'm not super keen on losing that "free time" (although I usually spend most of it working or tidying up), but I worry that I wouldn't have the mental space for another child. Obviously over thinking and worrying about the worst is what I do haha so it might very well be fine, but it is scary.

Any advice or experience you could share?

Parents

  • I am an autistic father and have two children, born three and a half years apart. My first child was diagnosed as an ADHDer in her early 20s, my younger child was diagnosed autistic at 19, the day after I was myself. My wife is ostensibly neurotypical - though we both have our doubts about that. When our second child was born, it naturally developed that I tended to look after the elder child more in order to give my wife more time with the baby. I think that, in general, a second child is easier to cope with as the first child has given you lots of experience. The startling thing is how different in temperament two offspring can be right from being newborn. Finances tend to stretch; when we had our second, my wife stopped working, so we were living on my income alone, but we managed quite well. Problems apprehended beforehand tend to become negligible, or at least less, in reality

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  • I am an autistic father and have two children, born three and a half years apart. My first child was diagnosed as an ADHDer in her early 20s, my younger child was diagnosed autistic at 19, the day after I was myself. My wife is ostensibly neurotypical - though we both have our doubts about that. When our second child was born, it naturally developed that I tended to look after the elder child more in order to give my wife more time with the baby. I think that, in general, a second child is easier to cope with as the first child has given you lots of experience. The startling thing is how different in temperament two offspring can be right from being newborn. Finances tend to stretch; when we had our second, my wife stopped working, so we were living on my income alone, but we managed quite well. Problems apprehended beforehand tend to become negligible, or at least less, in reality

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