Autistic parents, how do you know if you will cope with a second child?

A suspected autistic mom here. I'm happy that I found out about my neurodivergence on time, before my husband and me decided to make our family bigger. Now I know, that I wouldn't be able to cope with more than one child thst we have (soon 4). I relate to your experience a lot. Everyone is different,  so it's hard to advice.  Important factors are - are there family members being able and eager to help looking after the children? Do you have enough space at home to be able to just isolate yourself when needed? 

I personally feel sick when I only recall the first months after the birth, I felt like I was not in my body, but in some wrong body instead. I also think that I wouldn't be able to divide my attention between two children. My husband and daughter talking together cause some sort of nausea or brain shaking sensation, so I have to leave, otherwise Iend up banging my head off of a wall. So for me one child is a maximum, but there are autistic parents,  who have more children. 

I am an autistic father and have two children, born three and a half years apart. My first child was diagnosed as an ADHDer in her early 20s, my younger child was diagnosed autistic at 19, the day after I was myself. My wife is ostensibly neurotypical - though we both have our doubts about that. When our second child was born, it naturally developed that I tended to look after the elder child more in order to give my wife more time with the baby. I think that, in general, a second child is easier to cope with as the first child has given you lots of experience. The startling thing is how different in temperament two offspring can be right from being newborn. Finances tend to stretch; when we had our second, my wife stopped working, so we were living on my income alone, but we managed quite well. Problems apprehended beforehand tend to become negligible, or at least less, in reality

I'm not sure I have the most supportive thing to respond here, but as some others have pointed out, maybe you're partially looking for a negative response in some ways. I suppose what I'm saying is that your worries are indeed valid. Whilst no-one else can ever make the decision for you, every family is very different and like you say, you will never know how you're going to find things until you're past the point of no return. I'd say that a key thing would be to have more in-depth dicsussions with your husband beforehand to ensure that he understands the potential risks and your concerns and to ensure that he would be in a position to support you all in whatever way you may need.
I came here just to share my experience in that I hvae 2 children (son currently aged 3 and daughter currently aged 1)
Whilst I have known myself since teenage years that I was autistic, it was only after the birth of my second child that anyone else really flagged it. For me, my diagnosis was triggered by the psychiatrist I was seeing as a new parent to my second child.
What you have described in your original post regarding your fear that a second child may be too much for you, is exactly what I have experienced, however I didn't put the consideration in beforehand.
I have now very much ended up in the situation of having 2 absolutely wonderful children, but I do find myself regretting that decision, as I feel that it has taken me to the point of really struggling on a day-to-day basis after having been able to manage my autistic traits the majority of the time until now.
As such, I have now ended up with additional mental health challenges.
My husband very much has to take the brunt of things in terms of supporting us as a family of 4, working full-time as well as most of the housework too.

The other thing that I will add, is that I am now also noticing a significant difference between my son and daughter and have just had a conversation with his nursery about potential ASD traits in him too. I don't know if I struggle more with him because of his age, or because of this. Someone else's comment made me consider the fact that you currently have a daughter. It's well-known that autism affects girls and boys in different ways, and for some reason at the moment, I'm feeling more confident for supporting my daughter growing up as a (potentially but not yet suspected) autistic girl, than I am for supporting my son growing up as a (suspected) autistic boy. Partly, I think this comes down to personal experience and knowing how my autism has impacted my life for so long, without really knowing what that's going to feel like for him growing up with autism as a male. Obviously you cannot predict or choose the gender of another child so it may be worth considering that they wouldn't necessarily be as manageable as your first child even if they were alone, in addition to the fact that you'll have an extra person to consider with everything.

The age gap question is something that lots of other Mums ask me about because of my children being quite close together. There are many pros and cons to every age gap and I don't believe that there's ever a perfect age gap. You may well find that as your daughter is already slightly older, things are more manageable than they have been for me, as both of my children are very much still dependent on me and haven't yet fully reached a stage of independence. Hence, one of my most common difficulties and overwhelm can stem simply from the need to toilet/nappy-change at a public place, or simply getting them into/out of the car. Where am I putting the other child whilst toileting/changing each of them, where do my children go when I need to go to the toilet whilst we're out? Who do I get out of the car first? Who do I put into the car first? Whichever option I go for always leaves the other child unrestrained for a short time. I still haven't worked out which option is best(or indeed if there is a best option) and change my mind depending on the situation, but it's one of the little things that crops up such a lot that causes a great sense of overthinking and overwhelm to me.

I really appreciate all your insights, thank you. I don't think I'm looking for someone to talk me out of it, but rather I'm trying to figure out how to "know" if I'm ready for another child and whether my anxiety is pushing me towards a decision that I might later regret. I never really felt ready when we tried for our first, so I worry that I'm just being my usual anxious self and I would actually be very happy with another. However, my gut tells me, at this point in time, I don't want things to change.

Piki86 said:

my husband is keen on a second, I have to at least think about it.

It will you who has to do all the heavy lifting around raising the child and you are the one who is going to suffer through your autistic traits, possibly to the point of meltdown where you are unable to function for an unknown period of time.

As autism is genetic then your next child could have severe autistic traits and require a lot of support - and you would be the one having to do this I imagine.

Piki86 said:

I just worry about taking too long to think about it, it's then too late and we regret it.

From how you write I get the feeling you are looking for someone to talk you out of it, but I could be wrong (and I'm male so I don't know if my opinions are relevant here anyway.

I would say don't do anything out of fear, including fear of missing out. Trust your gut feeling and if that says you are not sure then don't commit.

Don't let other peoples wants influence you too - you point out your husband wants another but he won't have to pay the price with his body and mental health in the way you do. I imagine his family want more kids too and being around them can feel like you are being pressured into it.

Think long and hard about what you want and not about other peoples wants. Speak with a therapist if you can and get your own throughts and desires straight before making any decisions. You need to look out for yourself first, and as a consequence so you can look after your existing child before bringing more chaos and stress into your life.

Only my thoughts and opinions of course. 

I'm 37m with 27 Month old daughter, i personally could not handle a second, it's difficult but very rewarding but i do dedicate a lot of time to programming, working with AI, but my reason is maybe not the same as yours ( I'm not in a good enough money situation to afford another child ), but if i was, where i could afford help i would have another. ( something a lot of rich people who say we're in massively population decline because people are not having enough babies, but most rich people are unable to see realty for what it is/live in there delusional world, if people can't afford to have babies they won't have babies or needing to both work full times 40 - 60 hours a week jobs and not have the time to have babies ) - either have no time! ( but just enough for bills ) which is worse for the babies upbringing meaning they will struggle in life, or not enough money that you can keep a head over the roof with having more babies.

Piki86 said:

So I just wanted to see if any other autistic mums, or autistic parents, had the same concern, and how they found it having that second child.

You might find it helpful to visit Autistic Parents UK and ask for advice there. Their resources include peer support via both Facebook and Discord, facilitated groups, and one-on-one support:

"Autistic Parents UK CIO was founded in 2020 by Autistic parents seeking connection and support, born from a deep understanding of the unique challenges Autistic individuals face while navigating parenthood.

We are the only national, Autistic-led charity offering essential support services, resources, education and a thriving community for Autistic parents."

Autistic Parents UK

It's my husband who's keen. We recently moved house to be closer to his family, we are now 10 minutes away from his mum and from his brother (and wife and kids). We were completely isolated for the first 4 years of our daughter's life, being so far from everyone and having as a result zero support other than a couple of days at a time when we were seeing family. So yes, it would be different this time around as his mum is suuuuuuuper keen to help. But it doesn't change the fact that I can right now type this while my daughter is having her breakfast before school, and if I had a second child, I would probably be running around and not have these 5 minutes. If it was just up to me, I would stay at one. But as my husband is keen on a second, I have to at least think about it. But he would never force me. I just worry about taking too long to think about it, it's then too late and we regret it.

I was never the kind of woman who knew she wanted kids. I can't remember how I got to the conclusion that I was happy to go for it. I am very happy with how things are, I like our little unit, I like that we can focus on our daughter when she's home. But my husband would quite like a second child. Not because he wants to do the first 4 years again, which are tough because the child pretty much always needs attention, but for when the kids are a bit bigger, and when they are grown up. We both have a sibling and love it, and I agree it's such a special relationship. But where he is willing to tough it out for another 4 years until the second child goes to school, I'm not so sure. I know what he means, and in the grand scheme of things, 4 years isn't a long time. But for right now it's a veeeeery long time. I just don't know how I would know that I'm happy to go for it, since I never really knew with the first one.

EDIT: this is really between you and your husband to work out but I think it's going to come down to how supportive he is if you are struggling. Even things like what time does he need to leave for work in the morning as well even if he is good at handling the school run, will he actually be there to help? The below isn't meant to put you off its just my personal experience

My personal experience is that I really wanted my first child, it was my main goal in life and I have not thought about having a second child whatsoever. Pregnancy wasn't too bad but the birth was and the midwives advised me that I would need extra monitoring in future pregnancies even before the added fact that my age now starts with a 4! I also found the newborn phase so incredibly difficult I'm not sure I'd be able to get my morning hating 8 year old to school whilst taking care of a newborn. My husband is autistic and like you he'd get overwhelmed by the preschool stage and he actually used to leave the house if child was being too loud/too much etc. he also needs help with keeping on top of household chores etc as well.  I also think it is valid for you to cherish your downtime  whilst kids are at school. Being alone in the house for a few hours on my weekday off, even if I am doing chores etc is what gets me through the rest of the week. I'm sure there are others who have multiple kids and found it ok but this is my experience. We are definitely a "one and done" family which I think allows us to tend to my daughters needs better (she is waiting for autism assessment) on a funny note my Mum always used to say how good I was as a baby/child but the sentence would end with "and then I had your brother" I definitely could not cope if I had another one anywhere close to how naughty my brother was!

My personal experience is that I really wanted my first child, it was my main goal in life and I have not thought about having a second child whatsoever. Pregnancy wasn't too bad but the birth was and the midwives advised me that I would need extra monitoring in future pregnancies even before the added fact that my age now starts with a 4! I also found the newborn phase so incredibly difficult I'm not sure I'd be able to get my morning hating 8 year old to school whilst taking care of a newborn. My husband is autistic and like you he'd get overwhelmed by the preschool stage and he actually used to leave the house if child was being too loud/too much etc. I also think it is valid for you to cherish your downtime whilst kids are at school. Being alone in the house for a few hours on my weekday off, even if I am doing chores etc is what gets me through the rest of the week. I'm sure there are others who have multiple kids and found it ok but this is my experience. We are definitely a "one and done" family which I think allows us to tend to my daughters needs better (she is waiting for autism assessment) on a funny note my Mum always used to say how good I was as a baby/child but the sentence would end with "and then I had your brother" I definitely could not cope if I had another one anywhere close to how naughty my brother was!

Piki86 said:

we are thinking about whether or not to have a second child

I think you already answered your own question:

Piki86 said:

 as an autistic mum I fairly regularly get overwhelmed

You will add a big overhead by having a second child and what little time you have now will soon dissapear.

I realise the first child is going to start school soon so that will free up a little time, but do you think you could re-do the last 4.5 years with a second baby/child plus deal with all the ongoing support of the current child?

What happens when you meltdown and cannot cope? The chances of this rise sharply when another child is added to your workload.

Where are the pressures to have the second child coming from? Is it that you really want it, that ourside parties are telling you the clock is running out or are there familiy pressures to have more kids / grandkids?

Unless it is you who really wants it I would advise standing up for yourself as you are the one who has to carry the pregnancy, go through the trauma of childbirth and then raise the child when you could start to reclaim a life for yourself when the current child starts school.

Just a few thoughts.