Worry

Hello Yorkshirelass,

Your daughter reminds me a lot of off me. I worry a lot as well, sometimes about my family, about my health, about my ill gran and sometimes I worry but I don't even know what I'm worrying about. I'm not sure if CBT would work for me, I dislike travelling a lot, I always worry about travelling even though I have car sickness medicene. I think what your doing for your daughter is the right thing to do, and I will look in to what you suggested.

But thanks for the suggestion. It was very kind and thoughtful of you. I appreciate it a lot, thanks.

Kindest regards,

Matthew.

P.S "You might be able to help me with my other problems. I have posted on General Chat. Also I mentioned my gran being ill. On September the 20th 2014 I will be doing a walk for Alzthiemer's and as I don't like going out this is big for me. If you could spread the word to your friends and families, could you please see if they might be willing to donate just a little money. My page is on the link below:

https://www.justgiving.com/granny-paulines-memory-walk/

My family, me and my gran would be most grateful if you could spread what I am doing around. Thanks."

Hi Hope.

What you wrote there sounds an awful lot like me. At the very beginning of my Autism 3 or 4 years ago I thought I had every illness under the sun, including Cancer. Since then I have managed to control that department of my worrying "mostly"!

But you are so right. Whenver I get stressed I always have stomach pains or a headache and this leads me to looking illnesses up online and then when I get reading I start to think I am dying or am ill. It's never easy to control your worry's but I try, as do you.

I'll try and set up a reward system for myself Hope. Tomorrow I am off to see my gran who has Alzheimers, currently she is very unwell and is living in a carehome. I'll be travelling there with my dad tomorrow, and believe me I hate travelling, I don't know why but I always fear going out in the car - sadly that is one of my biggest worry's one that I haven't quite got around yet. Sometimes I am able to go out other times I'm not. It's a bit of a pain.

But I will give your reward system a go. Thanks for the amazing idea Hope.

Stay safe and I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks so much for the comment.

Thank you Hope.

Kindest regards,

Matthew.

P.S "would you mind checking out my other posts as well. You might be able to help me a little more?"

Hi Miffo,

I am a worrier myself, and worry about anything and everything. This worry often results in the physical symptoms of anxiety: aches and pains, palpitations,etc;  and I then start to worry about my health, leading to more anxiety, and so I get caught in a vicious circle.

I find that focusing on what is going well can help, but I also reward myself for battling my fears. For example, if I manage to travel, I might reward myself with a favourite cookie or piece of chocolate on my return, or I might buy myself some new clothes or a magazine. When I battle my fears, I focus on the reward awaiting me at home, and it feels so good to overcome one's fears. So try and focus,also, on the internal sense of satisfaction you will get by doing something that seems so daunting. You will experience anxiety and fear, and fear and anxiety are horrible things to experience, but by confronting them you are being very brave. After battling your fears, you must remember to do something you enjoy afterwards!

Well your advice was very good and I'll be using it. What you put together was amazing and I'm sure it's going to help me. And you're right, one day we will get past the worries but until that day comes we've got to try and fight them - and we can do that right here on the community with all of the other helpful members.

Thanks again for the advice Elan. It was very kind of you to upload it to my post like that.

Thanks.

Kindest regards,

Matthew.

You're more than welcome Miffo, I just want to make sure since what I say often gets misunderstood and people get hurt and I definetely do not want to hurt you or make things worse. I hope we can get past the worries one day too 

Note* I wouldn't advise trying to control the worrying itself - that was like a recipe for depression for me

Hi Elan.

Elan your advice is very helpful and I will follow it. Worrying is very dark sometimes and can often be very hard to control. Like you suggested I am going to take your advice one step at a time, and please don't say your advice isn't helpful because trust me - IT IS!

And I'm not sure whether or not if I'm anxious, I guess I'm a bit of both - I worry and sometimes do feel a little anxious. I suppose you and I are very similar, but we'll get past the worry's one day...

Thanks again Elan. Your advice was very helpful, and I appreciate it, really I do. Thanks.

Kindest regards from,

Matthew.

Miffo if the advice is not helpful, leave it, I have no intention of telling you that you are not trying to manage your worries (as evidenced with you starting a topic), or invalidating how overhwelmed you must be or how real your problems are. Just keep talking and pushing forward one step at a time, perhaps what you need is encouragement and understanding.

Note* it might also be worth metioning that anxiety and worry are different things, do you feel anxious?

(I'm a worrier myself surrounded by worriers so you're in good company)

Elan,

Thanks for this very long but very kind comment. I understand what your saying and it isn't easy but I will try and take control of my worries. Sometimes I wonder what could be worrying me so much, at the moment in my household these are stressful times but I do try and control my problems. Perhaps with the help of your comment and this community I might just be able to get on top of all those things that bug me!

I know you said not to, but, thank you Elan. This advice is greatly accepted, thanks.

Kind regards,

Matthew.

Hi Miffo, really wishing you the best, I'm reading your comments and trying not to reply in anyway that will hurt you, I'm no expert on worrying. I feel like reco's advise is very insightful though.

These are just my thoughts, I imagine you may have thought/tried many of them yourself but I share for good measure, it's pretty overwhelming so I wouldn't try applying all of it at once, in fact just having a read over and a think over should be enough. No thank you's please, just let me know if any of it ends up being of any use to you at all and all the best.

Specific 

It might be hard work but maybe try to define your worries as specifcally as possible? For instance what is it about your mum and her bad knee that worries you? Are you concerned about losing her care? Are you worried that her care needs might increase and you won't be able to manage them? Are you fearful of how things might change because of the bad knee? Does seeing her in phsyical pain make you cringe? Or more generally is it an emotional thing--does seeing others in pain overwhelm you? Do you dislike the doctors? I find just defining the worry clearly can greatly reduce it's power over you since less of it is operating in the dark. What you're doing now is helping with this, often just talking to people can help make the foggy more clear and defined, so keep up the good work.

Try to take more control

Also defining exactly what worries you about a situation can help spur you on to act, if the concern is about care then finding out more about the condition and how you can offer support might help, if it's more of an emotional thing learning about your tolerances and intolerances and how to manage them might help, if it's the doctors--finding a way to communicate with them would be the next step. This can make you feel good because you're active, even if the steps are very small ones, one step at a time you feel like you're dealing with a situation and being more grown up about it. At the same time you'll hopefully learn what is within and what is not within your control, you can learn fron sources including your parents how to support them with their health needs (as much as is within your power of course), but at the end of the day your parents health is their responsibility, you can not control everything--especilly when it comes to people.

What do you want

Now you know more clearly what you don't want and what to do about it, what DO you want (both pratically and in your heart)? In terms of taking actions, this is the better thing to focus on. I'd go as far as to say that if you did nothing suggested here except one thing, do this. Figure out what things or what it is you truly want and keep them/it in mind whenever you act, it'll teach you about yourself so you can be more self-accepting and so less vulnerable to attack from your worries and it can be a source of determination when it feels like your worries may out do you. Knowing this can also help you let go when you realise that what you want is not possible at all or given the circumstances.

Misdirection 

Finally recognise the difference between worries and problems. Well done that you've identified that worrying IS a problem. But sometimes a worry doesn't need to be addressed in the first place, sometimes worries can distract us from what the actual problem is and what the solution is or what matters. To pick an example that should hopefully illustrate all the points I have said, I had a friend who constantly worried about her family, their health, the house, their behaviour, the conflicts (they were not unfounded worries--not by a long shot) she could specifcally tell you everything that was wrong, practically she wanted a stable family home, (however in her heart she wanted the family she never had a child), she decided she would take control and tackle every worry from her families health to the house to well everything -- many various different ways over the years (however these are people we are dealing with and you cannot control/change them/people simply by the force of your effort and will), once she realised this she was able to let go, in the end she understood that she would never have the family she missed out on as a child and that the actual problem her worries were disguising was that she was both a /big/ part of the family drama but was too afraid to leave them to live her life on her own. Finally seeing the actual problem she moved in with a friend (which solved the problem--she was out of the family home but still lived close by and she wasn't alone) and so far the two have created enough hearth and home to fill a cheesy family movie (not eaxctly the stable family home she missed out on but the closest she's ever got) the space has also allowed for a lot lot lot more peace to develop within the family. Those worries cost her and her family years.

So to summarise, sometimes worries don't need to be addressed, sometimes they're not yours, sometimes they disguse other things, sometimes they just sort themselves out, while I recommend figuring out more specifically what worries you so you will be less controlled by it and more able to take control, also remember that you can't control everything and you would be better off focusing on the things you do want and taking the actons no matter how small to get you there.

Very long post, only hope it makes sense. Again all the best.

Hey!

Thanks for the reply. It's very kind and thoughtful, I will do as you said. Thanks for both the reply and the advice.

Thank you.

Regards,

Matthew.

Have you tried discussing your mum's problems with her knee with her as her problem rather than as your problem? As an aspie it is easy to think of how it impacts you but I expect that she would appreciate it if you were able to ask how she is coping with it from her point of view. I struggle with this sort of thing but if you can get over the hurdle of broaching the subject then you might find that you can both feel better about things.

Azalea,

Thanks for your fast reply. Some of what you said reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. I am very grateful for your reply and would like to thank you very much. I'll try writing down some of my worry's like you did and if I have any that concern me then I will post here again.

Thanks again Azalea. I am very grateful.

Kind regards,

Matthew.