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Neurotypical trying to support my fiance through autism assessment

Jaybird86

Hi All 

Hoping you can help me. I'm neurotypical and my fiance who is in his 30s has decided to seek an autism referral. The longer we have been together the more I feel he has dropped his masking and I can see he is neurodivergent. He has struggled more since letting me in as finding it harder to mask in the outside world. I have encouraged him to just be himself stuff the people who don't like that but he is feeling overwhelmed with his emotions. He will often let everything build up and hideaway until he reaches a point he has to vent to me about everything. If there is anything I could do to help him before he is overwhelmed let me know.

We completed masses of questionnaires as part of his autism assessment and are currently waiting for the face to face part. The questionnaires revealed a lot more struggles than I was aware of and made him open up about childhood trauma and he has admitted he currently feels depressed. I have encouraged him to chat to his gp about his antidepressant, go back to Andy's man's club as he found them useful in the past and asked if there is anything I can do. I know this referral is only going to feel harder as it goes on. So I'm asking for information on what happens next as part of the assessment to help prepare him, is there any support groups for adults going through assessment and is there any support groups for families of adults as I know we can't do this alone and will need support along the way.

Really appreciate any help anyone can offer as this is all new to me.

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Yes I used this a lot to prepare him prior to going to the gp to start the referral. I guess it's the bit in the middle I'm not sure about.

  • in reply to Jalapeno

    Yeah I am trying to encourage him to speak to his gp. I think the depression is side effects of finding the world difficult to navigate so it's about finding the right support.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thanks so much for responding. What you have said is kinda what I've expected and discussed with him a bit. It's good to hear it from someone else. I am expecting he will pull away a bit to process everything and I am prepared to give him more space than usual as like you say I think it's the viewing his life through a different lense that's affecting him and I know that takes time.

  • yes he will need to speak to GP and separate the depression from the ASD assessment

    I suffer like many autistics with Anxiety but not with depression - so can't advise on that, but do know that needs addressing asap.

    For Autism Support look for local support groups in your area - use the NAS directory https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory but know that support is varied depending on where you live.  Some support groups cover all ages including late diagnosed.

    I start my NHS support next week - taken around 6 months, following self referral to Talking Therapies - but I'm not sure its really targeted for Autism - so I'm largely be dealing with my anxiety / social anxiety with are more really consequences of my autism.

    I have had private Therapy too - which was paid by my health insurance.

    See what he can get via the NHS and local support groups first would be my advice, unless you have the funds to go private.

  • What you, I and most people sort of hope for is that you'll be diagnosed and somehow it will make things better. You build it up in your mind, it is a lot of effort, you are forced to focus on lots of negative things, you go through the meeting(s), worry if you were too good or bad, if you gave a good account if yourself, wait for the result, then suddenly there it is, and bye. You think what, I'm lost, help. There is no magic wand. You are pleased to have some validation, but then realise you're mostly on your own.

    You now know for sure and you have a report. The report should list some support things, like maybe some therapy. If you are doing it through the NHS this may be limited and require waiting. There is, of course, no cure, it is not a disease, there is nothing to cure. Only secondary effects like depression can be treated. The autism bit is up to you.

    The key thing is accepting it. Imposter syndrome is there. It takes a few months to start to really believe it. After all you gave spent decades trying to hide it.

    What you do is change your attitude.

    You have permission to be kinder to yourself, you don't need to push so hard, you can start to find ways to reduce stress. This is a big thing.

    Reducing stress should help with the depression.

    Even before the diagnosis you can start making accomodations.

    Watch some YouTube channels, start getting ideas. But mostly the realisation you are not weird or alone starts to help.

    But the mental effort, finding yourself, etc. is hard.

    You examine all your past through a new lens. If you screwed things up you feel grief and loss.

    He may well need time alone. As in days or weeks, not just an hour here or there.

    The best thing is talking, like on here.

  • Hi Jaybird86,

    I am glad you have found our community here.

    Sorry to hear you and your fiance are finding his referral for Autism assessment a stressful experience (it can sometimes feel a daunting undertaking).

    I wondered if you had the opportunity to look through these assessment guidance topics.  They are grouped together into broadly 3 phases (Before diagnosis, Assessment and diagnosis, After diagnosis):

    www.autism.org.uk/.../diagnosis