Feeling different?

I don’t have such diagnosis, but suspicion. Not only mine, also my therapist. I’m just myself like I always was, learning about autism helps me understand, how I changed during my life, and why, why I’m always so different, I could never name it. Now I feel scared of both- possibly getting an autism diagnosis, and also not getting it. Being here in this forum means a huge lot to me, even if I’m not very active at least recently. It gives me sense of belonging and I finally found people who I share similar experience with and I feel understood. Also compensates to some extent my lack of friends. The label is not so important to me, my identity etc, but the sense of belonging somewhere- is. So for this reason I would like to have the confirmation of what I’m suspecting. On other hand I fear that having such diagnosis could create me more trouble in life (I’m already done dealing with problems), mainly because of how autism is being perceived by society. I try to guess sometimes, how I would have felt if I ever get the diagnosis, but I can’t imagine it. The first time I read about autism, I was shocked how much these traits describe me. I had such a strong mix of emotions, that I reacted very strong. I needed a high pressure shower to calm down. Then I decided I just had a delusion and closed that topic. One month later to realize that there is quite much to unpack. 

I don’t have such diagnosis, but suspicion. Not only mine, also my therapist. I’m just myself like I always was, learning about autism helps me understand, how I changed during my life, and why, why I’m always so different, I could never name it. Now I feel scared of both- possibly getting an autism diagnosis, and also not getting it. Being here in this forum means a huge lot to me, even if I’m not very active at least recently. It gives me sense of belonging and I finally found people who I share similar experience with and I feel understood. Also compensates to some extent my lack of friends. The label is not so important to me, my identity etc, but the sense of belonging somewhere- is. So for this reason I would like to have the confirmation of what I’m suspecting. On other hand I fear that having such diagnosis could create me more trouble in life (I’m already done dealing with problems), mainly because of how autism is being perceived by society. I try to guess sometimes, how I would have felt if I ever get the diagnosis, but I can’t imagine it. The first time I read about autism, I was shocked how much these traits describe me. I had such a strong mix of emotions, that I reacted very strong. I needed a high pressure shower to calm down. Then I decided I just had a delusion and closed that topic. One month later to realize that there is quite much to unpack. 

It saddens me how autism is perceived by some, like those who believe it needs to be cured. If people tried to understand it more I’m sure people’s perception of it would improve dramatically. The good news is IF you ever do decide on a diagnosis it’s entirely up to you who you share this with. Only my immediate family know I’m autistic (diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome), I don’t feel comfortable telling absolutely everybody about it as I know they wouldn’t understand.

Have you tried doing any of the online tests? Though it’s not an official diagnosis it might make you feel slightly better about it if you see what the results most likely would be. Thought I would mention this as my sister is autistic and when she was in two minds about the diagnosis she did some of the official online tests and it helped reassure her. She still isn’t officially diagnosed but she’s a lot happier since she did this.