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Recently diagnosed and spiraling

MidMoT

I was diagnosed 2 days ago. At first, I was relieved to have answers about my struggles. Then I was mortified. I feel so much guilt and sorrow looking back on the way I treated people. I always thought I was helping people, but in reality I was rude, and too direct. I held people, and myself to unrealistic expectations. I had no idea that people felt and thought differently than me. I have had so many struggles with relationships, and the only person that tolerated me is my wife. I know I have hurt her. It was all unintentional, and now I have so much shame, and pain thinking how I have hurt everyone I love. I have “masked” for so long that I feel like I don’t know myself. I am really struggling, and I am having a hard time putting everything into perspective.

Parents

  • Welcome aboard!

    There's not much I can say that others haven't already.

    It will take time to sink in and adjust to you're new found perspective. Don't dwell too much on the past.

    It's normal to go through a period of grieving for what you know you can't be, time spent regretting the things you may think you've done wrong etc.

    You will not have been anywhere near as bad as you think, talk to your wife about things, that'll help a lot.

    It will improve, every day forward is a day being aware of yourself and that can be very scary, but you'll soon find a new normal. 

    Masking is a weird one, some things you need to mask, same as everyone does in life, but when you're autistic it's a must at times to survive in society. It can feel fraudulent, but  don't get too focused on that. Masking uses a lot of energy, so be mindful of that too, you don't want to end up burnt out.  Be yourself when you feel you can and mask a bit when you feel you have to. It's fine.

    Take you time and be sure to look after yourself, don't beat yourself up too much.

Reply

  • Welcome aboard!

    There's not much I can say that others haven't already.

    It will take time to sink in and adjust to you're new found perspective. Don't dwell too much on the past.

    It's normal to go through a period of grieving for what you know you can't be, time spent regretting the things you may think you've done wrong etc.

    You will not have been anywhere near as bad as you think, talk to your wife about things, that'll help a lot.

    It will improve, every day forward is a day being aware of yourself and that can be very scary, but you'll soon find a new normal. 

    Masking is a weird one, some things you need to mask, same as everyone does in life, but when you're autistic it's a must at times to survive in society. It can feel fraudulent, but  don't get too focused on that. Masking uses a lot of energy, so be mindful of that too, you don't want to end up burnt out.  Be yourself when you feel you can and mask a bit when you feel you have to. It's fine.

    Take you time and be sure to look after yourself, don't beat yourself up too much.

Children