• Replies 18 replies
  • Subscribers 28 subscribers
  • Views 636 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

End of life cancer diagnosis for elderly parent

Casyellow

Hello, I'm new and this is my first post. I'm 43 and was diagnosed as autistic 3 months ago. I've not told my extended family yet as they are not fully onboard with neuro divergent brains as a concept. My dad has been diagnosed with end of life cancer. My sister in law set up a group chat to update the family. I live 6 hours away from my extended family. I have been told to stop asking questions on the group chat as it is upsetting people. I tried to ring Macmillan but can't get through. I wondered if anyone had a similar experience and how you navigate it all? I'm not very emotional and want the facts but I also want to support my dad mentally as he is now processing he is end of life. But I keep saying the wrong things. I feel like I need a list of rules! Thanks 

Parents

  • There are no rules, for this sort of situation.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is lacking the experience (in my opinion.)

    There are, however, some basic principles that I think are sound.  The most important of these (in my opinion) can be summarised thus;

    "It is a 'group experience' with the dying person's interests trumping all others, so for God's sake, don't allow one's own interests take centre stage."

    I commend you for not unleashing your A-word on the group, at this time.  I think that is compassionate of you.  I think others in your group perhaps don't have the bandwidth to extend you compassion and understanding at this time.  That is a pity, but I trust you probably can muster the stre gth you need.

    I wish you well at this tricky time.....I've been there.

    Tomorrow is another day.

    With kindest regards

    Number.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Thank you, there is some very logical helpful advice there. I don't think I was prepared for some people's reactions - not just about my dad's prognosis, but the reactions to my behaviour and questions. Your words, and everyone who has replied here, have been really helpful in navigating this situation. I was questioning my behaviour and shutting down a bit. I'm feeling less like I've done something wrong!

  • in reply to Casyellow

    Dear Casyyellow.....I thank you for your response.  That is deeply appreciated.

    I am a VERY guarded soul, and choose to share VERY little here....but I do (always) feel a compulsion to help my fellow travellers through life, when/if/when I can.......most especially us autistic types!!

    Based on your response, I think I can offer just one more morsel of advice to you......."Everything, in good time, my good friend."  Bide your time.  Right now, it should and MUST be about a) your dad......then b) "the group experience"......then c)....when things have come to pass, you can [VERY CAREFULLY] explore what comes next.

    Your response is GREATLY appreciated.  Thank you......I am grateful for reassurance.

    Number.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    That's some lovely advice, I do love hearing about his stories as a child and the history he has lived through, he has had a lot of life experience over time! And it will be good to chat about something other than the other questions he's getting like, what are you eating, how are you feeling? It will be good for him too hopefully.

Reply
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    That's some lovely advice, I do love hearing about his stories as a child and the history he has lived through, he has had a lot of life experience over time! And it will be good to chat about something other than the other questions he's getting like, what are you eating, how are you feeling? It will be good for him too hopefully.

Children
No Data