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Relationships

Peter

Now that I've been diagnosed, I felt like it would explain why I've had so much difficulty meeting people and holding down a relationship and that I could now work on it. But I'm still not meeting people, if anything it's got worse. I don't think I'm the most unattractive, I think my dating profiles are decent but whenever I try engaging with them again, I end up in a doom loop and getting a complex about potential flaws e.g. "being myself" but maybe other people can see the autism in me somehow. It's really getting me down as I've never had a long-term relationship, I'm nearly 30 and it's making me thing very odd bizarre and intrusive thoughts about myself. I just want to meet someone but my friends can only offer "it'll happen one day". Any solutions? Or shared experiences?

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  • Peter said:
    I end up in a doom loop and getting a complex about potential flaw

    If you don't like yourself then it will reflect on how you project yourself and it can be a deeply unattractive thing for neurotypicals in my experience.

    I suspect you lack confidence in yourself and this also affects how others see you so if you are looking for help then I would recommend getting a therapist who has lots of experience in working with autists and they can help you explore your flaws and find the self worth that will then improve your projected self image and help you find a partner.

    It is a process so won't be done in just a session or two but the advantage is that the therapist can help you with loads of issues relating to your autism other than just relationships.

    Don't worry about the "hitting 30" thing - this is largely a self imposed deadline and in my experience can be self defeating as it makes you desperate and make unwise choices.

    Pause, sort out your isssues with professional help then start again and I think you will be in a much better place.

  • in reply to Iain

    That’s the thing, I don’t start out feeling bothered by these things most of the time and I’m definitely not as lacking in confidence (both generally and in these areas) as I was previously and my diagnosis helped masses with that, I really like myself! But then the foibles of dating apps happens and it digs it up when I try to rationalise why I’m not hearing back or getting matches etc Overall I think I come across positive and assured, I just get a bit tangled sometimes. It’s less “I hate X about myself” and more Why isn’t this working? Is it because of X?” And then the rumination cycle begins.

    Also very excited to be turning 30! Don’t see it as a deadline at all but perhaps an unhelpful comparison point.

    I am still figuring some stuff out though and that’s why I’m asking. Talking to a therapist would probably be useful, I just don’t really get why this aspect of life has always eluded me.

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  • in reply to Iain

    That’s the thing, I don’t start out feeling bothered by these things most of the time and I’m definitely not as lacking in confidence (both generally and in these areas) as I was previously and my diagnosis helped masses with that, I really like myself! But then the foibles of dating apps happens and it digs it up when I try to rationalise why I’m not hearing back or getting matches etc Overall I think I come across positive and assured, I just get a bit tangled sometimes. It’s less “I hate X about myself” and more Why isn’t this working? Is it because of X?” And then the rumination cycle begins.

    Also very excited to be turning 30! Don’t see it as a deadline at all but perhaps an unhelpful comparison point.

    I am still figuring some stuff out though and that’s why I’m asking. Talking to a therapist would probably be useful, I just don’t really get why this aspect of life has always eluded me.

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