Relationships

That’s the thing, I don’t start out feeling bothered by these things most of the time and I’m definitely not as lacking in confidence (both generally and in these areas) as I was previously and my diagnosis helped masses with that, I really like myself! But then the foibles of dating apps happens and it digs it up when I try to rationalise why I’m not hearing back or getting matches etc Overall I think I come across positive and assured, I just get a bit tangled sometimes. It’s less “I hate X about myself” and more Why isn’t this working? Is it because of X?” And then the rumination cycle begins.

Also very excited to be turning 30! Don’t see it as a deadline at all but perhaps an unhelpful comparison point.

I am still figuring some stuff out though and that’s why I’m asking. Talking to a therapist would probably be useful, I just don’t really get why this aspect of life has always eluded me.

Online dating is an easy trap to fall into, as we get older it seems harder to meet people, there are fewer natural ways, no school, college or uni. I've done it and did have some succes, but with the apps now it seems easier to write people off, I know others who've had success too, but many others who've not and have had bad experiences. We're all encouraged to have this tick list of desirable traits and those lists get ever more unlikely that a real person will ever meet the expectations.

I'd say be yourself, just be authentically yourself, I think people are more likely to be attracted to authenticity than someone who's pretending to be someone they're not. Even if you end up single, at least you're being authentically single than in a relationship trying to remember who you're supposed to be. In relationships there;s no faking it until you make it, because the real you will come out somewhere along the line. Also ask yoursel would you want to be with someone who felt unable to be themselves?

Peter said:

I end up in a doom loop and getting a complex about potential flaw

If you don't like yourself then it will reflect on how you project yourself and it can be a deeply unattractive thing for neurotypicals in my experience.

I suspect you lack confidence in yourself and this also affects how others see you so if you are looking for help then I would recommend getting a therapist who has lots of experience in working with autists and they can help you explore your flaws and find the self worth that will then improve your projected self image and help you find a partner.

It is a process so won't be done in just a session or two but the advantage is that the therapist can help you with loads of issues relating to your autism other than just relationships.

Don't worry about the "hitting 30" thing - this is largely a self imposed deadline and in my experience can be self defeating as it makes you desperate and make unwise choices.

Pause, sort out your isssues with professional help then start again and I think you will be in a much better place.

I do think I need to have this drilled down into my head more. I definitely don’t try to contort myself into something I’m not anymore! I just haven’t been on a date in years and most of my friends are in committed relationships. Just want to get past the first hurdle 

Don't panic Peter ... Dating Apps are notorious for making people feel like this, Autistic or not. In my view it's CRITICAL to be yourself, and try not to have any expectations (e.g - I need to find a partner in the next 3 months) ... Any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is about how two people get along, and it's not really any more complicated than that 

And as I heard once ... "Why would you expect everyone else to like you, when you don't even like everyone else" !!