Relationships

I thought for many years that it was the fault of everyone else that I didn't seem to be able to make any romantic connection. It eventually dawned on me that waiting for someone to declare to me that they found me wonderfully attractive was not going to happen, the fault was mine - this was decades before I was diagnosed as autistic. Part of the difficulty was that I did not pick up, or picked up far too late (sometimes years too late), the neurotypical cues that a woman found me attractive. The other, was that I was too frightened of rejection to make any advances myself. As I was operating in an information vacuum and missing any signals, this is understandable. I did some basic research into non-verbal communication, body language and suchlike and decided to be more courageous and risk rejection.

I have never used online dating, I met my wife in a university laboratory, but I think that getting out into the real world is still the best bet. Join clubs and societies where you can meet potential partners. I even went clubbing (a sensory nightmare for me) when getting to know my future wife. I think going out of one's comfort zone is necessary to make any meaningful connection. Most of the potential romantic partners out there are neurotypical and I think that, uncomfortable as it may be, playing by the neurotypical rulebook is necessary for success.

 Hello Peter,

Congratulations on getting your recent diagnosis and thank you for sharing your experiences about dating and relationships.

I don’t know how useful and relevant it will be for your situation, but if you are feeling curious, you might like to read this interesting blog post where autistic author and social media personality Ramona Jones.

Valentines Day with Ramona Jones - she reflects on her recent autism diagnosis, the ‘messy world of relationships’ and her 15-year relationship with her partner, from their meet cute, to their wedding.

I just thought I would share this post, as it might feel humanising and liberating to learn that many others too can feel overwhelmed, navigating the dating field – strange social and sensory minefield with so many unwritten rules and restrictions imposed upon by society. Ramona also aims to broaden many people’s ‘quite narrow views of what dating should look like’ and make it feel less hard and more inclusive for everyone, including neuro-divergent people like us.

I really hope you will learn to love yourself fully, and meet someone special who also fully accepts, understands, and appreciates your truest self.

All the best,

Good_Vibes365 

I don't know what I can say to make things better or to give hope.  I think the whole dating thing is to a certain extent, built on 'chance, luck, and Russian Roulette'

Meeting someone doesn't guarantee the relationship will last.  It doesn't guarantee they'll feel the same as you, and as suggested by others - the more you feel the necessity, the more that can verge on almost desperation, and that tendency to compare oneself with others.  

Prospective partners want different things in people too.  I guess what they want changes over time, and I suppose being in the right place & the right time has a lot to do with meeting the right person. 

I've never been fully convinced that dating apps are ever that right place.   I've way too many concerns with them, not least the impression I get that many seem to use them for less than genuine purposes and don't give an accurate representation of themselves. 

I could tell you about someone I know who has just begun a relationship at the age of 82, and some would happily use such facts as a means to point out that its never too late.  It sounds like a cliche though.  I guess my advice would be to see if there's any real-life dating sites in your area, or clubs you could join to enlarge your social circle, perhaps you could meet someone with a shared interest? 

Dating is tough, and it's easy to get stuck in your head. It's great that you're trying to understand things better. Sometimes, it's more about learning how to communicate and being comfortable with who you are.
Check this post for more advice. It might help you get a clearer idea of what to focus on.

That’s the thing, I don’t start out feeling bothered by these things most of the time and I’m definitely not as lacking in confidence (both generally and in these areas) as I was previously and my diagnosis helped masses with that, I really like myself! But then the foibles of dating apps happens and it digs it up when I try to rationalise why I’m not hearing back or getting matches etc Overall I think I come across positive and assured, I just get a bit tangled sometimes. It’s less “I hate X about myself” and more Why isn’t this working? Is it because of X?” And then the rumination cycle begins.

Also very excited to be turning 30! Don’t see it as a deadline at all but perhaps an unhelpful comparison point.

I am still figuring some stuff out though and that’s why I’m asking. Talking to a therapist would probably be useful, I just don’t really get why this aspect of life has always eluded me.

Online dating is an easy trap to fall into, as we get older it seems harder to meet people, there are fewer natural ways, no school, college or uni. I've done it and did have some succes, but with the apps now it seems easier to write people off, I know others who've had success too, but many others who've not and have had bad experiences. We're all encouraged to have this tick list of desirable traits and those lists get ever more unlikely that a real person will ever meet the expectations.

I'd say be yourself, just be authentically yourself, I think people are more likely to be attracted to authenticity than someone who's pretending to be someone they're not. Even if you end up single, at least you're being authentically single than in a relationship trying to remember who you're supposed to be. In relationships there;s no faking it until you make it, because the real you will come out somewhere along the line. Also ask yoursel would you want to be with someone who felt unable to be themselves?

Peter said:

I end up in a doom loop and getting a complex about potential flaw

If you don't like yourself then it will reflect on how you project yourself and it can be a deeply unattractive thing for neurotypicals in my experience.

I suspect you lack confidence in yourself and this also affects how others see you so if you are looking for help then I would recommend getting a therapist who has lots of experience in working with autists and they can help you explore your flaws and find the self worth that will then improve your projected self image and help you find a partner.

It is a process so won't be done in just a session or two but the advantage is that the therapist can help you with loads of issues relating to your autism other than just relationships.

Don't worry about the "hitting 30" thing - this is largely a self imposed deadline and in my experience can be self defeating as it makes you desperate and make unwise choices.

Pause, sort out your isssues with professional help then start again and I think you will be in a much better place.

I do think I need to have this drilled down into my head more. I definitely don’t try to contort myself into something I’m not anymore! I just haven’t been on a date in years and most of my friends are in committed relationships. Just want to get past the first hurdle 

Don't panic Peter ... Dating Apps are notorious for making people feel like this, Autistic or not. In my view it's CRITICAL to be yourself, and try not to have any expectations (e.g - I need to find a partner in the next 3 months) ... Any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is about how two people get along, and it's not really any more complicated than that 

And as I heard once ... "Why would you expect everyone else to like you, when you don't even like everyone else" !!