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Sick and tired of being sick and tired

GD

40, diagnosed at 37, dead end job, verbally abusive living situation, no help from the NHS and the government in terms of therapy for my diagnosis. No help from the council in terms of housing, the only thing keeping me going is my faith, For all intensive purposes I gave up on life 20 years ago. And yeah I have had some amazing experiences like travelling to America by myself, my weekly karaoke sessions, which have often been me on my own, and I get sick of going out on my own.

I had my ray ban sunglasses stolen on Thursday, its not about the sunglasses. I am careless, but it knocks you big time. And I was already feeling depressed as hell. I know I am not alone but I feel like I am the only person experiencing this.

People have said lets meet for a drink or message me or whatever, but they havn't the first idea about autism and neurodivergences, let alone mental health. I can't keep doing this. When will it end.

I am on the waiting list for counselling again, but its not targeted. The NHS only offer meds, to numb you so you don't become a problem to them anymore. I only work part time and would love to go on holiday again, for longer, but yeah, 2 days in Bournemouth is probably the most I will have this year. I don't really earn enough to save. Thankfully I don't have to pay rent, I countribute to household expenses when I can.

I don't even find pleasure in the things I enjoyed anymore, rarely. Honestly, so tired. Yet so thankful. I know things could be a lot worse but I don't feel too guilty for feeling like this 

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  • So yeah. Nothing has changed, and I have had insomnia for the last 3 or so months. But I am starting sleeping tablets. I had to move into my old bedroom due to bed bugs, which hopefully will get treted on Wednesday.. I have got a job interview on Wednesday for an office job, never had one in this sector before. I hope they send the teams link soon. Today has been specifically bad with intrusive thoughts I had a nap and feel better, well I think i Just passed out after work. So whether I sleep later or not i dunno. Earlier start tomorrow so up at 5:30. Also I am broke. I spend most nights in the pub either salone, with friends or doing karaoke. I know I don't have to drink but where is the fun in that. Between work and home I am trapped, so I need an escape. Something more healthy than beer, whiskey or bourbon cigars and vaping because in the long term they will catch up with me, also with the stomach problems. I am working tirelessly to change my situation. There is no support for me. I got yeeted like Jey Uso off the housing register because i am not a priority. Twice I have had this now happened before when tthe last building closed down. So I am not a single mother or something, and because I live in a house, I am not declared homeless, which is a route I can go down but why would I go from living with a verbally abusive father, to some home full of homeless and drunks/druggies with no guarantee of placement anywhere. I am already struggling emotionally just to get changed, get dressed, put my face on etc. 20 years man when will it end. i try to stay positive I still have my Christian faith but ive been distant due to previous Church drama, some very uncomfortable situations and the Church not dedicating their time to listening to people with poor mental health/neurodivergencies, and trying to fix everything spiritually. Even if I came into money I am not accountable at the moment. Sigh

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  • So yeah. Nothing has changed, and I have had insomnia for the last 3 or so months. But I am starting sleeping tablets. I had to move into my old bedroom due to bed bugs, which hopefully will get treted on Wednesday.. I have got a job interview on Wednesday for an office job, never had one in this sector before. I hope they send the teams link soon. Today has been specifically bad with intrusive thoughts I had a nap and feel better, well I think i Just passed out after work. So whether I sleep later or not i dunno. Earlier start tomorrow so up at 5:30. Also I am broke. I spend most nights in the pub either salone, with friends or doing karaoke. I know I don't have to drink but where is the fun in that. Between work and home I am trapped, so I need an escape. Something more healthy than beer, whiskey or bourbon cigars and vaping because in the long term they will catch up with me, also with the stomach problems. I am working tirelessly to change my situation. There is no support for me. I got yeeted like Jey Uso off the housing register because i am not a priority. Twice I have had this now happened before when tthe last building closed down. So I am not a single mother or something, and because I live in a house, I am not declared homeless, which is a route I can go down but why would I go from living with a verbally abusive father, to some home full of homeless and drunks/druggies with no guarantee of placement anywhere. I am already struggling emotionally just to get changed, get dressed, put my face on etc. 20 years man when will it end. i try to stay positive I still have my Christian faith but ive been distant due to previous Church drama, some very uncomfortable situations and the Church not dedicating their time to listening to people with poor mental health/neurodivergencies, and trying to fix everything spiritually. Even if I came into money I am not accountable at the moment. Sigh

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