Published on 12, July, 2020
40, diagnosed at 37, dead end job, verbally abusive living situation, no help from the NHS and the government in terms of therapy for my diagnosis. No help from the council in terms of housing, the only thing keeping me going is my faith, For all intensive purposes I gave up on life 20 years ago. And yeah I have had some amazing experiences like travelling to America by myself, my weekly karaoke sessions, which have often been me on my own, and I get sick of going out on my own.
I had my ray ban sunglasses stolen on Thursday, its not about the sunglasses. I am careless, but it knocks you big time. And I was already feeling depressed as hell. I know I am not alone but I feel like I am the only person experiencing this.
People have said lets meet for a drink or message me or whatever, but they havn't the first idea about autism and neurodivergences, let alone mental health. I can't keep doing this. When will it end.
I am on the waiting list for counselling again, but its not targeted. The NHS only offer meds, to numb you so you don't become a problem to them anymore. I only work part time and would love to go on holiday again, for longer, but yeah, 2 days in Bournemouth is probably the most I will have this year. I don't really earn enough to save. Thankfully I don't have to pay rent, I countribute to household expenses when I can.
I don't even find pleasure in the things I enjoyed anymore, rarely. Honestly, so tired. Yet so thankful. I know things could be a lot worse but I don't feel too guilty for feeling like this
I found something with Scope, which might be able to help me find work. But the appointment has been rescheduled, and it was on teams, I deal better face to face.
I attended a men's group on Tuesday with the provider I am on the waiting list with for counselling, and it was good, as many of us had father issues and could relate to each other.
I am also in touch with a wellness space, who might be able to guide me emotionally to a better place, but I have done this type of thing before before and honestly I don't want to waste anyone's time, it's the same with the counselling. As I have to pay I am not sure how effective it will be given my past experience.
I hope some kind of life coaching becomes available which is funded, someone who deals with autistic/possibly ADHD in which I have an assessment next week, (annoying it is at 9 am and I have to travel, so I have to wake up 4am for work on Monday and ill be shattered) but maybe a diagnosis (or not) will help bring some clarity.
I think your post maybe from before my time, but it is good to see people check back in to say how it is going. I've applied for an "access to work" grant because I need autistic friendly coaching. They said that I'd hear back within... ... wait for it... 26 weeks! And that will just be for some assessment or other! Still, at least the ball is rolling.