Published on 12, July, 2020
40, diagnosed at 37, dead end job, verbally abusive living situation, no help from the NHS and the government in terms of therapy for my diagnosis. No help from the council in terms of housing, the only thing keeping me going is my faith, For all intensive purposes I gave up on life 20 years ago. And yeah I have had some amazing experiences like travelling to America by myself, my weekly karaoke sessions, which have often been me on my own, and I get sick of going out on my own.
I had my ray ban sunglasses stolen on Thursday, its not about the sunglasses. I am careless, but it knocks you big time. And I was already feeling depressed as hell. I know I am not alone but I feel like I am the only person experiencing this.
People have said lets meet for a drink or message me or whatever, but they havn't the first idea about autism and neurodivergences, let alone mental health. I can't keep doing this. When will it end.
I am on the waiting list for counselling again, but its not targeted. The NHS only offer meds, to numb you so you don't become a problem to them anymore. I only work part time and would love to go on holiday again, for longer, but yeah, 2 days in Bournemouth is probably the most I will have this year. I don't really earn enough to save. Thankfully I don't have to pay rent, I countribute to household expenses when I can.
I don't even find pleasure in the things I enjoyed anymore, rarely. Honestly, so tired. Yet so thankful. I know things could be a lot worse but I don't feel too guilty for feeling like this
Nothing has changed for me. I am just sinking further and further into depression. I am developing bad relationships with things which are not healthy, and even though I know I can stop or cut down, my life is just so open and empty. So much of the last 2 or so years of my life have been filled sitting in a pub garden with a beer, whisky and cigar. It is something I have found enjoyment in. But as I got older my body isn't liking any of this stuff anymore.
The only way I can fill these voids is to find other things to do with my time. Which means I have to put more effort into changing my life, which I just don't have the strength to do anymore.
I wish I had a social worker I could talk to to see if there is anything practically they could help with or even signpost, but its been useless. Every organization I have been signposted to are not able to help, because getting to the point of what I actually need help with is challenging.
Its simple enough for me. I need to get out of my living situation. I work part time, and working more hours here is not an option, for many reasons. I am already struggling part time here having to keep a brave face on for mystery shopper and staff/customers.
I need help to find out what kind of job would be more suitable, maybe figure out a way to try and make something out of my creative stuff (which I did bring up, but for some reason it doesn't seem to have reached anybody'
I am just so tired of talking about it. I recently got signposted to the listening place, which was useless because they don't or can't offer me what I need. They signposted me to a website which was dead.
Over the weekend I went to a party, I only wanted to have a double whisky or 2, but someone decided to fill my glass up. I said to myself well I am not going to drink it all, just drink slowly. I woke up a few hours later on my friends bed. And safe to say I didn't feel to good. I hate feeling I wish I never woke up. But honestly, sometimes I don't care anymore.
I am still on the waiting list for counselling, but again, more talking. And listening. Doesn't go anywhere for me. With the council and GP its always I pour out, and get asked 'so how can we help you' or 'so how do you think we can help you'. Being an adult it almost seems like I am not a priority anymore. SO many services for younger people, if I was diagnosed 18-25 maybe I would have some clue of what I want to do with my life.
I have 19 days holiday left, and no money to do anything. I would love to go back to the states again next year, but yeah, I know my would be better used elsewhere, but where that is. I am not really interested in going anywhere else, especially on my own. Like if somebody asked me to come to Spain with them, yeah why not! But all my friends are married with kids, so its not like I have anyone to go anywhere with.
And today is just miserable outside. At least if it was sunny I would feel a bit more perky.