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Want to improve social skills

QuietBloke

Hello

I'm in my forties and think I have at least some Aspergers traits, and would like some advice on dealing with them better. I'm fortunate to be reasonably successful as a computer programmer, but outside work my social life is almost non-existent, and I've never been in a relationship with a woman. I was fairly resigned to this until the death of a parent a couple of years ago, but since then I strongly feel the need to experience life more fully.

I've always had problems making friends, and social situations are confusing for me. I'm worried about doing or saying the wrong thing (and sometimes realise afterwards I have), and as a consequence avoid social situations. I've tried things like travel, language classes and joining a sports club to improve my social skills, which I think has helped a bit, but it's also made me painfully aware of my social oddness. I also worry about the negative impact my behaviour has on those around me. I think on-line dating might be beyond me at present.

I think I might benefit from some kind of professional help. Is my GP the best place to start? I don't necessarily want a formal diagnosis, and I'm a bit concerned that it might jeopardize the security clearance I need for my job. Is private counselling a sensible option? How would I go about finding one in the Bristol area?

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  • I'm forty+ and married but please don't dismiss my comment too quickly as I still have dreadful social problems. I am also trying to socialize as outside the family I have no social friends (and somehow aquaintances at work are left at work).

    I personally love the outdoors and nature. I have found "work parties" ideal as you are amoungst likeminded people but if you need to retreat you simply vanish back into the job at hand or wander off to do a task on your own. The "social" bits are therfore in small managable chunks. The"work" gives you the excuse to be there so you can step over the hurdle of trying of finding an excuse to meet the person.

    The other thing is that this builds companions and friends on equal terms. I would understand if you said that you didn't want a "friend" but was looking for someone who you were special to. My wife is primarily my friend. This is how we met and where the strength lies.

    Going back to the first point though. Finding someone special won't "fix" the social dificulty but you then go into those situations as a team, knowing that theres one person their who (sort of) understands you.

    One last thing. Don't believe yourself about how you appear to others. They see qualities in you that you would never believe possible. They are a much better judge of whether they like you than you are no matter how much you disagree.

    Dunk

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  • I'm forty+ and married but please don't dismiss my comment too quickly as I still have dreadful social problems. I am also trying to socialize as outside the family I have no social friends (and somehow aquaintances at work are left at work).

    I personally love the outdoors and nature. I have found "work parties" ideal as you are amoungst likeminded people but if you need to retreat you simply vanish back into the job at hand or wander off to do a task on your own. The "social" bits are therfore in small managable chunks. The"work" gives you the excuse to be there so you can step over the hurdle of trying of finding an excuse to meet the person.

    The other thing is that this builds companions and friends on equal terms. I would understand if you said that you didn't want a "friend" but was looking for someone who you were special to. My wife is primarily my friend. This is how we met and where the strength lies.

    Going back to the first point though. Finding someone special won't "fix" the social dificulty but you then go into those situations as a team, knowing that theres one person their who (sort of) understands you.

    One last thing. Don't believe yourself about how you appear to others. They see qualities in you that you would never believe possible. They are a much better judge of whether they like you than you are no matter how much you disagree.

    Dunk

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