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Want to improve social skills

QuietBloke

Hello

I'm in my forties and think I have at least some Aspergers traits, and would like some advice on dealing with them better. I'm fortunate to be reasonably successful as a computer programmer, but outside work my social life is almost non-existent, and I've never been in a relationship with a woman. I was fairly resigned to this until the death of a parent a couple of years ago, but since then I strongly feel the need to experience life more fully.

I've always had problems making friends, and social situations are confusing for me. I'm worried about doing or saying the wrong thing (and sometimes realise afterwards I have), and as a consequence avoid social situations. I've tried things like travel, language classes and joining a sports club to improve my social skills, which I think has helped a bit, but it's also made me painfully aware of my social oddness. I also worry about the negative impact my behaviour has on those around me. I think on-line dating might be beyond me at present.

I think I might benefit from some kind of professional help. Is my GP the best place to start? I don't necessarily want a formal diagnosis, and I'm a bit concerned that it might jeopardize the security clearance I need for my job. Is private counselling a sensible option? How would I go about finding one in the Bristol area?

Parents

  • You'll be very lucky if your GP is much help. Many people on this site have had great difficulty getting their GP to refer them on for diagnosis, so great is the ignorance of autism amongst GPs - some still think it a childhood condition you grow out of!

    I do think that avoidance of social situations, while a natural reaction, is the wrong thing to do. That said I have huge difficulty anywhere there is background noise, even just others around me chatting.

    I spent years doing the rounds of art classes and local societies.

    Walking groups are useful because you are more likely to talk to thers while rampling along a country lane. Sport is also an important opportunity, just for my part my coordination has never allowed me to enjoy sport.

    What may be more beneficial is something that "plunges you in at the deep end" - such as a debating society or a group that engages in discussion - political, social circuits, environmental issues etc., where you've got to engage. OK so you'll make a lot of gaffs at first, but you might adapt.

    I've found committees, if properly chaired, a godsend, because your cue to speak is formalised and you address "the chair". There are so many committees you can get on to, such as disability groups, local government (look up your council democracy pages), public amenity, transport (eg rail user groups, bus user groups). They will increase your social circle and enhance your confidence.

    I think you've got to get yourself into situations that "drag you kicking and screaming" into the NT world, rather than just dipping your toe in the water and reiterating no no no...way too cold...

    Having broken down some barriers that ought to make you better at finding a partner.

Reply

  • You'll be very lucky if your GP is much help. Many people on this site have had great difficulty getting their GP to refer them on for diagnosis, so great is the ignorance of autism amongst GPs - some still think it a childhood condition you grow out of!

    I do think that avoidance of social situations, while a natural reaction, is the wrong thing to do. That said I have huge difficulty anywhere there is background noise, even just others around me chatting.

    I spent years doing the rounds of art classes and local societies.

    Walking groups are useful because you are more likely to talk to thers while rampling along a country lane. Sport is also an important opportunity, just for my part my coordination has never allowed me to enjoy sport.

    What may be more beneficial is something that "plunges you in at the deep end" - such as a debating society or a group that engages in discussion - political, social circuits, environmental issues etc., where you've got to engage. OK so you'll make a lot of gaffs at first, but you might adapt.

    I've found committees, if properly chaired, a godsend, because your cue to speak is formalised and you address "the chair". There are so many committees you can get on to, such as disability groups, local government (look up your council democracy pages), public amenity, transport (eg rail user groups, bus user groups). They will increase your social circle and enhance your confidence.

    I think you've got to get yourself into situations that "drag you kicking and screaming" into the NT world, rather than just dipping your toe in the water and reiterating no no no...way too cold...

    Having broken down some barriers that ought to make you better at finding a partner.

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