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Help with an unhappy 10 year old boy

Nicky19999

Where to start.  Well this is the first time I've ever used a forum so many thanks in advance for any replies or advice.

In a nutshell my husband has a 10 year old boy who stays with us regularly and is very much a member of the family. From the age of around 5 the school have noticed he was different (I didn't meet him until he was 7.5) and tried to engage SENCO but this wasn't welcomed at the time.

He is now 10 years old and is very different to his peers. He has recently been assesed again and the Wechsler IQ test school arranged gave him an IQ of 75 and a processing percentlie of 1. Yes 1. School are now treating him as though he can barely function, and told us we shouldn't expect him to be able to say, follow and instructin to go upstairs and bring something down as it is beyond his capabilities. It isn't. More importantly they drop this bombshell then just leave us distraught and with no further advice. Some of his characteristics are;

  1. Doesn't have a single friend in or out of school - and doesn't seem bothered
  2. Teachers have him on a special reward system at school & keep him in at breaks as he doesn't fit in with the other children, he sees the teachers as his friends
  3. His grades are that of a Y1/Y2 child, yet on Sunday he was explaining about the consequences of invading Russia on the way to the supermarket!
  4. Uses the wrong words/context in every sentance
  5. Asks 10s of times how to do the same thing (make a dilute orange etc)
  6. Doesn't know when to break eye contact
  7. Walks round in circles while talking, can't sit still and watch TV/read
  8. Never gets embarrased
  9. Shows no empathy for others (school were very concerned about this)
  10. Displays limited of humour
  11. Never makes overservations or starts a general conversation.
  12. Has been insulted several people lately (me included) with rude comments about our apperance but it is not done to hurt, he just doesn't know how to carry on
  13.  Fixates on one thing at a time for a few weeks, usually a computer game, or the army and will only talk about this. Even the school tailor his reward chart to his current obsession
  14. Only has one tone and pitch of voice
  15. Is not able to read between the situation for body language and tones of voice e.g (Oh I'm thrilled you made all that mess). He would take that as you were happy
  16. Says inappropriate things as he doens't know what to do socially. When we were shopping for baby things when I was pregnant, the lady in the shop said something to him about his nice coat or something and he just replied "my dad and x aren't married". People then look to us to guage our reaction.

I could go on and on.

His Dad and I know something must be wrong, even if it is only mild. Does anyone else have an opinion please (I know it is only an opinion based on limited facts).

He sounds like a nightmare, but he isn't. He's a lovely boy who just doesn't know how to carry on in life. Consequently he spends all his time being told off, and gets very little praise because his behaviour is often unacceptable for a child without autism. If we can get to the bottom of it we can help him to develop.

Things took a turn for the worse yesterday as he told a teacher that he would harm himself when he's older as he feels unappreciated and nobody likes him.  This knocked us for six.  He has never said anything like this before.  We think it is because he is slowly starting to realise he is different. Last week he refered to a person that visited us (who has asperger)and said that he liked him, becuase he was like him "he didn't know how to talk to people either".

My other questions are how do we take him to the doctor without upsetting him? Should we try and talk to him about him being different or is this the worst thing we could do? We are at a complete loss as to know what to do. Any advice, even to say he doesn't sound like he's on the spectrum would be greatly appreciated. 

  • I've not got any answers I'm afraid as I'm in the same boat really- although the school have been better at organising things like educational psychology and speech and language therapists for him (not that it's got us far- this started in year 1, we are now in Y5).  We see a community paediatrician every 6-9 months but it's always a locums one and have never seen the same one twice so it's pretty pointless really... All they've done is a blood test to test for fragile x syndrome! we've still not had a diagnosis and it's only because I stamped my feet at my last appointment that they're now going to have an MDT meeting about him (which I have been invited to attend). Apparently this is to work towards a diagnosis but it doesn't seem to follow any of the diagnosis or assessment things I have found reading on here so I'm still confused. 

    At our last parents evening I was handed a piece of paper that my son had written all over saying he wanted to die and that he wished someone would kill him or he'd kill himself etc. he drew lots of pictures of himself dead etc- it broke my heart. He went through a really rough patch of constantly threatening to walk out into the road to kill himself and I found a knife in his room one day. I spoke to the GP about it, but really there wasn't much she could do for me apart from make some other referrals for him regarding wetting the bed etc. so that ended that! He's got a new obsession with our cat at the moment so that's taken his mind off a lot of things and is helping him (but driving us potty but that's another story!). 

    hes had an assessment by the Ed psych that put him in the bottom 5 percentile of something- and since then the school have taken things a lot more seriously. We have a good SENCO at the school who has been fab (but about to go on maternity leave) so that's really helped us- have you got access to the school SENCO to find out about what could be done next? Is he on school action/ school action + or anything like that? Do they currently give him any extra support at all?

  • From what you write, it does look as though he could have an ASC, and therefore I would recommend getting him assessed in order to find out for sure. Even if he does not qualify for an ASC diagnosis, there are enough markers to suggest he has some sort of developmental condition; it is not just a case of being a 'late developer', the usual cop-out line, it seems, from schools.

  • Thank you for your advice.  I think our main worry has been broaching the subject with him without anyone actually confirming that there is a possibility of ASD. I realise now though the official diagnosis could be months/years off.  With every year that's going by his differences are getting more noticable and the gulf between him and his peers is widening.

    His school has really not helped either, they have swung violently each way with their opinion of him.  Their current line is "he's just a later developer than everyone else". That on the back of a conversation where they were informing us that all the other children in the school are aware of his self harm threat and are all keeping an eye on him, looking after him and taking him everywhere etc. Yes, very run of the mill that. Happens to every child. It's all totally heartbreaking now he's starting to come to his own conclusions. Time for us to gently sit down with him I think.

  • IQ and other tests frequently don't work for autistic children as a true measure of their abilities:

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/positively-autism/200805/intelligence-testing-and-autism

    You need to impress that on the school straight away, urgently, as they will be failing to educate him according to his abilities with potentially diastrous results if they don't understand this.

    I would also video him talking at length intelligently about the invasion of Russia or whatever it is, to show them how articulate and intelligent he actually is.  Tell them he shows signs of high-functioning ASC and you intend getting him assessed.

    I would urgently ask the GP to refer you for autism assessment, as there can be a long wait and the process itself can be lengthy too so that is all time he is potentially without the right support.

    Regarding low self-esteem and feelings of self-harm, I think you ought to speak to him about everyone being different, some people don't understand the differences of others and ask him what he would like done to make him feel better, such as social support.

    You could also buy him a book about autism to read (such as this http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/A-Book-About-What-Autism-Can-be-Like-Sue-Adams-Book-/191053734624?pt=Non_Fiction&hash=item2c7bb0a2e0), and say "look, this is about a child who has a difference, would you like to read it?" and he might identify himself in the book and feel great relief at understanding why he is different.  Not knowing is very hard on someone, and can be devastating to a child, he will blame himself without knowing it isn't his fault, and may have been victim to nasty comments from school peers etc. which have made him feel down.

    Even if he seems not to be appreciating it (autistic children can be very flat emotionally) always remember to tell him he is special and loved and capable of amazing things, and that you are proud of him.

    If he gets a diagnosis, there is also this book: http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/My-Autism-Book-Gloria-Dura-Vila-9781849054386-Book-/301082993913?pt=Non_Fiction&hash=item4619f1e4f9

  • Hi again Nicky - I think from your description of him that it's worth asking for an assessment to find out if he is autistic.  There's loads of info via the home pg + the posts about getting a diagnosis so have a look there.  In the meantime, if you think he is autistic you can learn about it on this site so you can help him/understand him.  If he is autistic then you cd apply for support at school - actually I think you cd do it now on the basis of his IQ test.  It can take some time to get an assessment so that's why I suggest you read the info here.  Best wishes.

  • Sorry, forgot to say thanks for the replies 

  • No he hasn't been diagnosed with anything. That's why we have no idea how to handle things. 

  • Hi - is he diagnosed as autistic?

  • By the sounds of it your son already knows he is "different" and doesn't know how to handle this.  

    My advice would be to focus on the positives and say that you want to ensure that he gets the best support possible in school and in order to do that you have to find out what works and what doesn't work for him.  Therefore he needs to see a psychologist who will draw up some recommendations on what works and what doesn't work in school.  The teachers can then use this information to make life at school easier for him.  (something along those lines).  Maybe ask your child what he thinks would work.  Engaging the child in this way a) empowers him and b) gives him some control.    

    I think it is vitally important that your child is part of the process and can see a benefit in participating.   After all it is his life.  

    good luck.