Hi,
I'm new to this site having been referred by the helpline. Slight fear of chatrooms from memories of aol chat as a teenage but am having a go to overcome here. I guess I have one main question which is;
Should I seek a diagnosis, and should i tell my friends and family.
In the end I will only be able to answer for myself I know, but would appreciate others' experiences if you have been in similar circumstances.
My situation is a little strange, I'm in my late 20s, have a fairly good job, my own home, lots of friends (in theory at least) and have generally considered myself somewhat of an awkward oddball, but generally I get on ok in life.
However my parents recently sat me down (perhaps 15 years too late, but I can't blame them) and told me they thought after much soul searching that i might have aspergers. They pointed out various characteristics /issues which i wont go into as Im a little embarrassed, but also things like the fact that I've never, as a gay man, been able to hold down any sort of relationship.
I have always narcissistically considered myself somewhat different/special, i always struggled to make & keep close friends, always struggle wit the jokes my friends made, I am still terrible at smalltalk etc, but ive always had an excuse for it, I moved schools early, I was the ugliest guy in class et al, so whenever I considered something was more seriously wrong, I always found a way to dismiss it. I was always quite a bright student (until you start to deal with things in abstraction at least) so school never picked up on it either.
When I took the test that came with the pack my parents had requested though, I scored well above the 'line' after which most people who have aspergers sit. It both surprised me and, I'm embarrassed to say, made me feel a little happy - I had something to pin all the issues I'd ever had on - it wasn't my fault. Which then racked me with guilt, I don't want an excuse for my failings and for treating my parents less than perfectly.
But now I'm at a point where I'm not sure where to go next.
I'm pretty sure that having done a lot of reading on the subject that I would get a diagnosis, but I don't know if I should, and if I do, if I should tell people.
My life is ok. I'm a little lonely, and don't have many close friends, but I'm doing alright, I have a lot of people who I class as friend-acquaintances, and I am generally fine on my own.
I'm also rather old to be announcing to friends and family that I have a disability, and I don't really want my friends and extended family to look at me differently, or make excuses for my behavior which sometimes isn't great. Whatever else is going on in my head I know I can be moody, and I should be trying to control that myself and a label won't solve it. But I also don't want to continue to alienate myself, I would like people close to me to understand why I sometimes act in a particular way. There's also work, a public diagnosis may help me in some ways, but may hinder me in others.
I'm basically not sure whether to move on with my life, taking on board that I probably do have aspergers and try and use that knowledge to adapt, whilst keeping it in house, or whether to seek a diagnosis. Anyone out there who's been through this, I'd really appreciate your thoughts.
Thank you for reading x
