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mickelmus

Hi,

I'm new to this site having been referred by the helpline. Slight fear of chatrooms from memories of aol chat as a teenage but am having a go to overcome here. I guess I have one main question which is;

Should I seek a diagnosis, and should i tell my friends and family.

In the end I will only be able to answer for myself I know, but would appreciate others' experiences if you have been in similar circumstances.

My situation is a little strange, I'm in my late 20s, have a fairly good job, my own home, lots of friends (in theory at least) and have generally considered myself somewhat of an awkward oddball, but generally I get on ok in life.

However my parents recently sat me down (perhaps 15 years too late, but I can't blame them) and told me they thought after much soul searching that i might have aspergers. They pointed out various characteristics /issues which i wont go into as Im a little embarrassed, but also things like the fact that I've never, as a gay man, been able to hold down any sort of relationship.

I have always narcissistically considered myself somewhat different/special, i always struggled to make & keep close friends, always struggle wit the jokes my friends made, I am still terrible at smalltalk etc, but ive always had an excuse for it, I moved schools early, I was the ugliest guy in class et al, so whenever I considered something was more seriously wrong, I always found a way to dismiss it. I was always quite a bright student (until you start to deal with things in abstraction at least) so school never picked up on it either.

When I took the test that came with the pack my parents had requested though, I scored well above the 'line' after which most people who have aspergers sit. It both surprised me and, I'm embarrassed to say, made me feel a little happy - I had something to pin all the issues I'd ever had on - it wasn't my fault. Which then racked me with guilt, I don't want an excuse for my failings and for treating my parents less than perfectly.

But now I'm at a point where I'm not sure where to go next.

I'm pretty sure that having done a lot of reading on the subject that I would get a diagnosis, but I don't know if I should, and if I do, if I should tell people.

My life is ok. I'm a little lonely, and don't have many close friends, but I'm doing alright, I have a lot of people who I class as friend-acquaintances, and I am generally fine on my own.

I'm also rather old to be announcing to friends and family that I have a disability, and I don't really want my friends and extended family to look at me differently, or make excuses for my behavior which sometimes isn't great. Whatever else is going on in my head I know I can be moody, and I should be trying to control that myself and a label won't solve it. But I also don't want to continue to alienate myself, I would like people close to me to understand why I sometimes act in a particular way. There's also work, a public diagnosis may help me in some ways, but may hinder me in others.

I'm basically not sure whether to move on with my life, taking on board that I probably do have aspergers and try and use that knowledge to adapt, whilst keeping it in house, or whether to seek a diagnosis. Anyone out there who's been through this, I'd really appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you for reading x

  • I think the issue is, is it worth putting yourself through an assessment after which you will likely be told that you are not sufficiently impaired due to your current functioning level.  This is the NHS I refer to.  Clinically, you need to be significantly impaired, going by what you have said they may say they don't consider you affected enough.  The NHS officially has to provide support for diagnosed people (even if that support is not there in reality at the moment) so is not going to diagnose anyone they don't consider to have their functioning affected enough.

    Even an ethical private clinician may not diagnose you for the same reason.

    I don't agree with their criteria, as it's a neurological disability and you either have it or you don't, and coping skills vary according to environment throughout your life.

    So perhaps it's best to look at it not from an emotional perspective, but a logical one.  What are the odds you will get a diagnosis; is it worth the stress of waiting and then going through an assessment; how will you cope if they don't diagnose you?  If you think you will be devastated not to have a confirmed reason that explains "you", then perhaps it's better just to know that you have Asperger's in your own mind.