Stealing food

Are you on mirtazapine? I’ve been on it for about 7 months and have put on almost 10kg.

Determined to get off it in January.

Is he on any medications? I know my meds make me hungry… constantly.  Just thought I’d ask. 

Good luck!

Just to say the are co occurring conditions which might be in play as well. Prada Willi was the first to come to mind which a former partners nephew was also dx with as well as autism. 

www.findresources.co.uk/.../autism-spectrum-disorder

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Ah, doesn't know when he's full. This is the opposite of autistic people who don't detect they are hungry. That's me very often.

The problem and answer is the same in both cases. The person needs to understand that interoception, including the on/off hunger switch is not functioning as it should and instead try to work out a healthy, balanced number of calories and vits and eat them in a predictable routine and schedule. 

Might be worth checking out he's not comfort eating for emotional reasons on the top.

But basically, he needs it ramming home to him, his body can't tell him what he does and does not need, so he needs to work that out with his brain instead and stick to it or he'll be ill

Jenny said:

He once said he doesn’t know what “full”feels like. 

This is a hypo-sensitivity to interroception. He needs to understand that if he can't feel full then he has to use other methods to know when to stop eating, or when to eat or not. Not feeling full may not be the same as feeling hungry all the time, have you asked him whether he feels hunger? He might feel hunger which triggers eating, or he might not feel hunger either and eat for other reasons.

It is more difficult if he feels hunger all the time as that is a negative feeling which he would want to make go away, but then if eating doesn't make it go away then he would have to learn to accept it somehow, counselling might help?

Does he actually want to do something about being overweight? Does it actually bother him? Don't assume it does because it bothers you, have a conversation with him about how he feels - if he understands how he feels as he may also have alexithymia and not be able to understand or articulate about his feelings (not the same as not having feelings!) If it doesn't bother him then you might need to discuss with him the health problems of being so overweight.

Without knowing how healthy you are yourself it is difficult to know how this next suggestion might work, but the best way is often to lead by example or tackle a project together. If you are at all overweight yourself, or even if you are not as fit as you would like to be, you could suggest you both work on improving your health together. Stop buying the unhealthy foods and instead buy healthy foods, work out meal plans together and maybe even try to get him to cook with you. Start going for gentle walks together which gradually get longer and faster  - exercise needs to be built up or it hurts and can cause injury as well as being very offputting! Find some videos on youtube or TV catch up, or podcasts, books, blogs, there is so much material out there, (though some is more helpful than others) and watch/listen/read it together. If he feels it is the two of you working together it could bring you closer, whereas if he feels it is you imposing it on him then he will feel criticised and got at. If you are super healthy then maybe bring someone else in as the partner who can work with him, if he has a sibling, or another relative, or a friend.

You do also need to be careful if you do manage to get him on board with this not to go too far as there is a danger with food of it becoming an eating disorder.

From personal experience I can say it is much easier to lose weight by a combination of diet and exercise - diet alone is extremely difficult! Today's lifestyles are far too sedentary and advertising is a terrible bad influence.

Jenny said:

He once said he doesn’t know what “full”feels like. 
so hard to know whether it’s a teen boy or autism. 

Differences in interoception are quite common in autistic people. That is why he doesn't know what 'full' feels like.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autism-eating states:

"In particular, interoception enables the recognition of hunger and satiety, the awareness of which is often reported to be impaired in autistic people.  "

He needs help to understand portion control and healthy eating. Blaming and shaming is not going to be helpful.

could that be some medical condition if he doesnt ever feel full?
maybe his stomach needs checking out if the signal to indicate hes full isnt working.

Yes Rai - I agree. No shaming, no accusations, just working together to work out a positive way forward for all. Lots of communication, lots of unconditional love, lots of empathy and understanding is required. You love your son - a vital part of all relationships is to treat each other with respect. It goes both ways. 

Stop buying these foods and putting them in your cupboards for a while.  Say that YOU have decided to cut down....don't personalise it to him.

This is the sensible first step?

I used to do this as a child and I was punished for it. Fine there were reasons that probably don't apply to your situation but I still remember the punishments and being told I was greedy and selfish and it has impacted me throughout my life. 

My thoughts (how I would have liked it to be handled) are that you sit down and ask your son why he does it. This will probably lead to you both being able to come to an agreement on a way forward. Ask him how you can help him in this area of life and explain how he can help you. It is important that it doesn't become a contentious issue as it will stay with him. 

It's a behaviour that he does for a reason, it could be that he's hungry or it could be that he's stressed and needs the feeling of the food he is using to cope. Talking to him is really the only way this can be solved. I would also recommend that the word 'stealing' isn't used because of the negative connotations associated with it. He is likely to take it to heart and this could have the effect of creating more stress and exacerbating the situation. 

I hope this helps you both.

Maybe just stop keeping things like chocolate, cake and sweets in the house.  If they're not there, he can't eat them. 

Sounds like me at that age. I suspect in my case the smoking helped keep the weight gain from happening...

My parents turned a blind eye unless I took too much. But as people above have alluded, I felt I had to steal until I learned how to get my own independent income through first a paper round (rubbish work, and rubbish rewards) then fixing electronics stuff (much better rewards, & the work was interesting & built me a solid relatiionship with the local second hand dealer). 

Great advice as usual JuniperFromGallifrey

I found the term ‘steals’ troubling too. This is your child in his own home. I was concerned that you said he ‘confessed and was v upset about it’. ‘Confessed’?! Your child is not committing a crime! Being a hungry teenager and liking sweet foods is not a crime - it’s very normal! Please don’t shame your son for this - you could cause real harm to him that might be long lasting if you make a huge deal about this. Instead try to work together. If he is very overweight then maybe - with a the right, supportive and kind approach - you can work out some more healthy eating strategies together. Putting locks on cupboards will only create tension and distress in your household - and create an association between food and guilt in your son’s mind. That’s really damaging. 
My son also loves unhealthy food, he loves sweet foods and is not a fan of vegetables. Many autistic people have issues around food - it’s not unusual. It’s important that as parents we are supportive and not judgemental. All the food in my house is there for any of us when we need or want it - I would never dream of ‘policing’ the food in our house. 

My son is now 25. If I bought it, he would eat it, so I just bought things I wanted him to find and eat. This is the only solution I'm afraid.

I want to gently suggest, children (no matter the age) don't steal food from their parents. The nature of parent to child doesn't involve this aspect, if it does there's something drastically wrong and this doesn't sound like the case. Food and shelter shouldn't be something they feel desperate for. After all, we have taught them their entire lives to depend on us, so it creates confusion to treat them like criminals even in small ways when we want them to feel safe around us and to feel 'at home'. All younglings look to their parents and essentially our job is to nourish them - soul and body and help them learn how to fend for themselves. My grandmother knew my father would just peel though the cabinets while she was cooking looking for snacks. So before she made dinner she'd leave a whole table with nuts and cut up veg/fruit lying about. It didn't spoil his dinner, it kept him out of her hair. I have done the same for my son when he's working and forgetting to eat. Cut up veg is apparently far more attractive and easy to manage. Try leaving things like this about with nut butter or easily edible healthy things. While a little sugar and salt is good for hydration, maybe stop having sweets in the house?

Hi dawn. 
He never stops eating to be honest. He would eat multiple meals a day if i let him. He once said he doesn’t know what “full”feels like. 
so hard to know whether it’s a teen boy or autism. 
it’s the receipt and addiction to it that concerns me I guess, plus he is Massively overweight. Just don’t know what to do with him. 
he took a giant bag of mini eggs from the shelf this morning without me knowing and had eaten them all, plus a wispa. He denied it at first then confessed and got v upset about it. 

My son isn't autistic an cleared the house of every sweet and treat in the interval between school closure and my arrival home from work in his teens. I'd scream blue murder about the unholy mess of crisp packets and ice cream tubs to clear out of his room later, lol. To an extent kind of normal teen lad behaviour.

What does your son say about it? Does he also eat a healthy dinner?

Might be an average teen phase. Might be an autie sensory foodie thing. The former isn't much to worry about, the latter might be.